The drive in to work this morning was challenging, not snow but fog. At first the fog made the surrounding snow covered countryside look ghost like and immaterial then it swallowed it entirely.
The route I take passes through a construction zone with a number of “S”curves, which are hard enough to navigate in a 19 ft long car in the daytime let alone with only a few feet of visibility.
The strangely peaceful work days between Christmas and New Years are coming to an end and Monday will hit like a ton of bricks. January looks like it will be a busy month.
The long weekend, end of year get togethers and other commitments will likely mean that I will not get out as this week. Trying to keep focused on the job search should keep me from going completely squirrely.
Claire responded to one of my Ramones posts recommending the documentary End of the Century. Its great, stayed up way to late watching it. You can find the whole thing on You Tube, here is part 1:
You have to love Johnny, punk rock Republican. Anyone who says they were for Nixon in 1960 at age ten is just too cool.
The work days between Christmas and New Year are quiet in the office. Nevertheless I usually set myself up with too many things on my morning to do list.
One thing I have been trying to do today is overcome my fear. The nature of my job has meant that I have had to become comfortable speaking in public and asking other companies for huge amounts of money. I am more reticent selling myself but as a new job is a priority I have to bite the bullet and make those follow up calls.
Other fears I am trying to face down, time for a return trip to the salon, hopefully it will go a little better than the last time. Number two get ears pierced, I am determined to do this even though it makes little sense...what will people say? I think I need some concrete evidence I am moving forward. A little push to get the car back on the right road….
Slept through another alarm, this cold or flu, whatever it is, is making me very groggy come morning. Nothing java can’t cure.
“J” reminded me that I should have added the word expensive in front of “nice gold necklace”. I thought that would have been a given.
Back at work this Tuesday, the office is quiet and the commute hassle free as most people (retail) excepted seem to be off on holiday still.
I had a nice quiet Christmas spent close to home, the children were soundly spoiled between us and grand parents. Wife “J” bought me a very nice gold necklace and a jewelry box.
Far too cold for any car work, checked tire pressures and fixed a burned out tail light bulb, which was all the cold my fingers could take.
Any holiday depression was confined to Sunday. I had spent all Christmas day as April so a return to male mode on the Monday put me in the doldrums. It is such a psychological high to be oneself that any return to the false armor of maleness becomes an unbearable low.
Still 2011 beckons with the promise of hope and change (hmmm might make a good campaign slogan). Before 2010 is consigned to the dustbin of history all of us who enjoy the hard won gifts of democracy should be thankful for the accident of our birth. No, not that we were born the wrong gender but that we have the freedom to do something about it.
Chinese poem: “Waiting for you to come” I waited for you the other day, But you did not come. Knowing that you would not come, I only hoped that you would come. Until now, you still haven’t come, Yet I am still hoping that you could come. Eventually, you will come, And I will always wait for you to come. (1989.12)
Christmas eve, I hope everyone has someone to share the season with.
The roads and stores were crazy here yesterday so apart from early morning grocery shopping we stayed close to home. It is so nice to have even a few days away from the work to spend with the family.
I was actually looking forward to going to church this evening but the oldest child is sick so I am staying home while "J" takes the younger ones.
Why car photos, well I washed the accumulated road salt and grime from the Chrysler Town & Country Limited (my wife says I am pompous when I call it that). See it is possible to wash a car at home is sub zero weather!
Also started and ran the Lincoln Mark IV after letting the block heater warm the oil for an hour or two. I like the picture looks like the car is so big you can see the curvature of the earth.
Took the Toronado (not washed yet) out to buy ginger ale for the oldest's upset stomach and had a nice chat with a man from Ohio about Oldsmobiles and vintage cars in general. Said he hadn't seen a 78 XS in decades.
Still some gifts to wrap and A Christmas Carol (Alastair Sims version) or It's A Wonderful Life to watch. I cry at the end of both of them even without hormones.
Here is Elvis singing Here Comes Santa Claus, check out the cool photos Elvis and Priscilla in a snowy Memphis.
I want a Chuck Berry Record and a picture of Elvis too….. well that is a given isn’t it.
Can’t believe I had not heard this one before, George Thorogood delivers a great holiday stormer that will have you dancing around the room. Has a great Dave Edmunds sound. Set the way back machine to 1981 to MTV’s first year Christmas party.
Extra special added bonus, pink 59 Cadillac at the beginning of the video (Santa’s sleigh ?) and just who is that playing old Saint Nick, is it Johnny Lee Hooker or Bo Diddley?!?
Feel free to comment on the fashions and the shortness of the dresses Santa’s helpers are wearing.
I still have some shopping to do, yikes!
Really messed up yesterday, I thought my wife had the day off so I quietly got up made coffee, took out the trash and was on my way as quiet as a mouse. I get a phone message later that day, she had to work that day and had to drive the children to my mothers….whoops.
Luckily by then she could see the humorous side since she still managed to drop off the kids and get to work close to on time. She had told me the night before but I was so tired from coughing all night with this cold going around that I was a total zombie. Don’t know how I made it to work, I think the car just remembers the way there.
Another resume out yesterday and another queued up, perhaps North Central Positronics is hiring…
Dear constant readers, hope your Christmas preparations are all in order and if not you better get busy. Those of you, who don’t celebrate the season, count yourselves lucky….just kidding…somewhat. I am hopelessly behind even more than usual but I am blaming work.
Sorry didn’t post yesterday as we were filming late into the evening. I was hoping for a bit of a break today but another urgent assignment got to drop everything and do that. Cannot even take any time off as planned since we have an early January deadline to meet.
Thank goodness for my wife as she has picked up the slack and infused the house with Christmas decorations and spirit.
My current job is a roadblock to my transition. The only option is to make the time to find another position. I am working hard to make that happen and have already sent off some resumes but finding the time is difficult. I need to do more to realize my destiny.
I attended two Christmas open houses last week, both were very pleasant affairs, I had a real bad day at work Friday so the first event was somewhat over shadowed by my experience earlier that day.
I am a lot less shy than I used to be but at one point found myself both literally and figuratively sitting alone between the men and the women. I certainly know which side I wish to be on, however in my present state I seem to be neither one nor the other.
The second get together, apart from a brief discussion about the merits of snow tires found me hanging out on the female side of the room. I was more comfortable there but had to feign either shock or ignorance when it came to certain topics.
Hugs,
April
I have no idea if this 1988 song by Joe Strummer has anything to do with being Trans despite the word being in the title. The track from the movie Permanent Record has obscure Dylanesque lyrics and a great beat.
The horror comic cover was borrowed from the Rev. Frost site, if you like the kind of music I tend to post check him out and be sure to download his latest Christmas Mix:
Dr. Spiegel, one of basically four experts in facial feminization surgery was giving a lecture in Toronto. I had a consultation with him in Atlanta at the Southern Comfort Conference in 2009. I came away very impressed and was determined that if I were to have surgery it would be with him.
I welcomed the opportunity to hear him speak again and it would be a chance to push my own envelope and make another trip to the big city as April, oh and in daylight too!
The lecture was scheduled for 11:00 am and my meeting with Dr. Spiegel was at 1:15 pm. The drive into Toronto can be unpredictable as to traffic and weather so I wanted to leave around nine in order to make it downtown and park without being too pressed for time.
The household was in general chaos as the children had dance and swimming classes that morning and my wife would have to take them herself, always a stressful job.
Wanting to look as natural as possible I choose a favorite pair of jeans, black top with lace trim and a black sweater. I did my make up and nails and was ready to go by quarter past nine.
Not having come out to my neighbors yet some stealth was necessary in leaving my little slice of suburbia. A heavy male bomber jacket, runners and dark glasses made me fairly indistinguishable from my workaday male self.
The roads were clear and I made it into Toronto in good time and found convenient underground parking close to 519 Church where the lecture would be held. Once the Toronado was dry docked I was able to switch over to boots, female coat and of course a wig. I have been letting my natural hair grow and had a little trouble of getting the wig to sit right.
I had some difficulty finding the place but made it with enough time to touch up my face. I can’t say I was really happy with my look at first, just couldn’t seem to get the hair right. Perhaps I was just feeling too self conscious.
When I go out I am usually very nervous for the first 45 minutes or so, Saturday was no exception. As I waited for the lecture to begin I began to get more and more agitated, I felt I looked too much like a guy, comparing myself unfavorably with the other attendees, the majority of whom I guessed were full time.
Once the lecture began I relaxed considerably and even laughed at some of Doctor Spiegel’s jokes. It was all very interesting and I learned a lot. While I was waiting for my consultation I started chatting with two other girls.
They were quite complimentary regarding my outfit and appearance, doing wonders for my self confidence. Later we went for coffee, it was quite normal and at the same time sublime. Just three women out on the town and having a chat, a wonderful experience.
I began to feel that all was not black and that I could do this (transition) after all, and do it successfully.
Dr. Spiegel remembered me from Atlanta and we reviewed the procedures he recommended to feminize my face. I wish I could have the surgery tomorrow. No it is not cheap and a beloved car or two will have to be sold. I love my cars but I know what is more important in this situation.
I journeyed home with a lighter heart and was able to spend the rest of the day with my family as myself. Another wonderful experience.
I was exhausted by days end, the stresses of leaving the house and getting into the city had drained me but I went to bed that evening as happy as I have been in a long long time.
Hugs,
April
So how can I work in an Elvis video??? Well he did play one in the movie Change of Habit. No cracks about his knowledge of pharmacology and type casting....
Once the words have left your lips there is no taking them back, I want to be a woman, I want to transition. Some might insist that it is I am a woman and I must transition.
In 1519, Capitan Hernando Cortes set fire to his fleet, or so they say, giving his army no way to escape, victory would be their only savior. It worked he defeated the Aztec Empire and Spain made South America hers.
There is no going back, our ships are burnt upon the shore and I wish for us all to dance in the sight of their flames.
Travelling into the big city tomorrow as April! As they say getting there is half the fun…
I am lucky that those closest to me read this blog, my mother for one. She suggested I feature Edith Piaf’s signature tune, Non, je ne regrette rien, "No,I regret nothing". I know a bit of a dramatic choice but is a beautiful song and when played at the end of her bio pic La Vie En Rose, it will leave you in tears.
I was vaguely familiar with the tune and Piaf’s tough but amazing life story but I did not know that this tune was adopted by the Foreign Legion. It was sung as the leaders of the failed 1961 Algerian coup surrendered themselves to prison and disgrace. Oh how wonderfully French.
Please listen not as the soundtrack to a defiant last stand (but a great choice) but more as a declaration of strength and hope for the future.
Some synchronicity as I have been dreaming of the South of France, an ideal warm and peaceful escape from the stresses of work and the chill of winter....just let me take my Corvette please.
The last week has been a difficult one with my depression resurfacing with all the ill temper of the recent winter weather those of us in the New World have endured. Dealing with these demons while at work was particularly challenging. In my mind I had a number of stories prepared for why I looked so distraught. Luckily my office is relatively private and no one barged in yesterday.
I am sure my depression was evident in my posts, sorry for being such a downer, I am sure I sound like a whiney bitch. I was asked what is stopping me?
Good question, technically nothing except it would be my last day at work. My current position and thus the financial security of my family and myself would be sacrificed. If I were alone in the world I really would not care and would let the chips fall where they may.
The way forward should be clear, find another position. The difficulty and hard work associated with finding a new job and questions of do I tell when should I tell seemed to have paralyzed me into indecision.
A good friend reminded me that my destiny is womanhood and that I must work hard to grasp my goal, to allow myself to give up would be to condemn myself to the abyss.
Clearly I cannot maintain the status quo and must make the new job my utmost priority forsaking everything else. As Woody Harrelson said in Zombieland, “time to nut up or shut up”….perhaps an ironic choice in inspirational speeches but it was a cool movie…anybody got a Twinkie?
When I find a new song I like I usually play it constantly, so dig this undiscovered gem (to me at least) of the Tall Boys tribute to The Island of Lost Souls, great rolling, twangy groove:
When I was younger the sound of the Tall Boys, Final Kick emanating from my old tube stereo was a signal I was in a bad mood, understatement more like when I was really really angry. When it felt like the blood was burning in my veins.
Something about this tune, perhaps the best psychobilly 45 ever, that both gave voice to and burnt out my rage. The male me was always angry and perhaps only happy when giving voice to that anger….I hate being this way.
I am listening to that song today.
Why?
Frustration with my life in waiting, fueled by jealousy of others who are free to move forward has overwhelmed me. No I am not proud of my emotions and much of that anger gets turned inwards.
I alternately, just want to set the world on fire or crawl into a deep dark hole.
Stole that line from the classic Darlene Love song, Christmas (baby please come home). Helped put up the tree yesterday, dug out all the Christmas CDs including the amazing Phil Spector Christmas album, it even snowed creating a winter wonderland outside, but the Spirit of Christmas Present remains a stranger to me.
Darlene’s soulful plea is a honest note for those not feeling the whole Marshmallow World vibe.
Part of the problem is work, very busy laboring on a television project that is due in early January. Filmed this weekend and things went well, still one more shoot day to organize.
As part of the filming, put lots of miles on my old Toronado. She drove all over the place even across the border to Buffalo and back with nary a complaint.
Not bad for a thirty plus year old car but I do feel I was pushing my luck. Despite her mass and FWD a patch of black ice this morning almost ended things badly for the both of us.
Crossing an international border in this age of full body scanners, nothing says prepare for a cavity search like driving a big black vintage car in the middle of winter. Eye brows were raised and I believe I escaped x-rays and probes but the slightest margin.
I was a little put out that work prevented me from attending a big Christmas get together of girlfriends on Saturday. I did manage to get out for coffee with Marissa last night. It had snowed quite heavily but I was determined that April was not to be relegated to the closet for another week.
A little slippery as the plows and salt trucks had not passed by yet but good practice for the Monday morning commute.
I had a great chat with Marissa and felt a little better about things.
In the spirit of Scrooge I bring you one of the best Christmas songs ever and a wish that like Ebenezer we can shed the chains that bind our hearts.
This morning my wife was rushing to get ready, hair makeup etc. She raised an eyebrow and with some friendly sarcasm said, I know you wish you had to do this each morning.
Well yes, but I do not doubt it can be a complete pain in the ass when you are running late and the children have to get to school. Getting ready as a guy is generally a lot faster but don’t try and tell me ironing a shirt, polishing shoes and shaving takes five minutes.
I do know how long it takes to get ready to leave the house (even longer in my case) but it would be a small sacrifice and then I could complain about it too.
Work is so busy GID naturally takes a back seat but it is certainly no cure.
“When the angel of death comes looking for me, when the angels sing, I hope I was everything I was supposed to be”
I unexpectedly came across this photo of my younger self. Taken two decades ago at least (I feel faint) at a car show with like minded rockabilly friends. I think this was during my university days just before I did my MBA.
Did I know then, yes but it was as if through a glass darkly.
I was a little hesitant to show this but I have posted a guy picture before. I must say that my hair was outstanding, I still have the motorcycle jacket and it fits. I had dyed my hair blond (not very well), I thought it would make me look more like Billy Fury.
It was a very odd sensation seeing this photo. I am really not sure what to make of my emotions, have I killed him, lost him, what would I say to my younger self? Transition now! Hang in there it will be ok? Just check out now! Don't do this to your future wife! I am at a loss for words.
I was happy to get out Sunday and thought I looked ok but the few photos MJ shot made me look awful. I think I looked rather gaunt and haggard. I blame the lack of sleep and being stressed out at work. I can safely say that I now fully appreciate the concept of beauty sleep.
Bad news is that my current work load will not abate until sometime next week and there is no one but me to get the job done. Hopefully Sunday afternoon I will be able to take a breather. Until then every day and night is consumed by writing. It is a truism that we live in a downsized and razor thin world.
Writing to some comes easily (Stephen King comes to mind, someone please get him an editor) but apart from some rare instances it is like pulling teeth for me. The completion of an article, script or proposal leaves me exhausted and mentally drained.
So raise a cup of joe and wish me Godspeed.
Here is Glenn Glenn with One Cup of Coffee (And A Cigarette):
Ok not the best picture from last night but the only one with a festive background. Coffee with MJ at our regular hangout. No I am not really on the phone with the Jolly Old Elf. Priority call from girlfriend Natasha detailing her shoe shopping spree in NY City.
I went to wife’s office Christmas party the other night. It was a formal affair so I was in a suit. We had a friend baby sitting so I agreed to go home early to relieve her. She would stay for the dancing and socializing getting a ride home with a co-worker.
I am usually quite uncomfortable at these setting so I didn't mind, the dinner was nice and I had a fun conversation with the woman next to me about cars (surprise!). When the dancing started wife kindly engaged me in conversation about some of the outfits various wives and co-workers were wearing.
I was doing ok with the GID until I had a look out at the dance floor, I felt such an intense loss (a loss for something I had never known), I wanted to be out there as April.
I found the intensity of the emotion surprising and it left me very upset. Once I had the children to bed there were some tears.
Super busy at work but got some writing done Saturday, I could have stayed in and done more Sunday but I knew getting out would help me be more productive in the long run.
Here is Dave Edmunds with a very cool New Years Eve live version of Chuck's Run Run Rudolf, perhaps my favourite Christmas song (the go go girls doing the swim was a nice touch):
Work is crazy and I will likely not be able to get out as April for a week or two because of filming and a script I have to write. I will not be a happy camper (actually my idea of camping is a really nice hotel) and will end up wound tighter than a cheap watch.
Feeling totally stressed and time was is short supply yesterday. I started to draft a post but didn’t make it…sorry. I am always gratified that people read my blog and even take the time to post a response.
It was with some surprise that my post from Wed. had four comments. It was so nice to hear from all of you and it made a huge difference in my day. The lovely, supportive and encouraging words helped clear some of the grey clouds from my sky.
Yesterday was my fifth or six laser appointments, I actually really look forward to the sessions despite the minor discomfort as it is concrete proof I am making some progress on my road to womanhood. (Look I worked in the blog’s title….so subtle).
The morning commute can be an opportunity for some quiet contemplation, if you ignore the resonance from the Toronado’s stainless steel dual exhaust. It struck me that I also enjoy the sessions as it is almost exclusively a female environment and I am accepted without question. They know the reason why I am having laser hair removal and have been very kind, praising the photos I have shared and even visiting this blog.
I am told I have had good results and the time between sessions has been extended to coax out any dormant hairs that can then be eliminated with extreme prejudice.
I am still wrestling with a schedule that it too full for the hours provided. A late night combined with one of the children crawling into bed and then kicking me at odd intervals until the alarm sounded has made for an exhausting morning.
I seriously contemplated calling in sick and working from home as I feared crashing the car into a ditch or worse injuring a fellow motorist. But as there is no rest for the wicked I fueled up with coffee and aimed the hood of the big black car due north. Made it but by the afternoon will need a recharge at Starbucks.
Hugs,
April
I will leave you with Elvis signing We're Coming In Loaded from the movie Girls, Girls, Girls. I love Elvis movies not because they are bad or the music uninspired but because they always contain hidden gems that reinforce my belief that he was the coolest cat on the planet. I mean could anyone else make commercial fishing sound so good or look so good doing it.
I believe that is Red West on guitar, I met his brother Sonny a few years ago, both were members of the Memphis Mafia. That is Elvis' entourage for the uninitiated, but more about that next week.
I think the approaching winter weather here in the southern part of our glorious Dominion (sounds regal doesn’t it?) has played havoc with my emotional state. In fact I think weather is having an effect on the whole family.
All grey and rainy with skeletal trees scratching at cold marble skies. It is not the climate for someone who has an addiction to old cars.
Crazy emotional this week, angry, sad, down, crying. Not sure if it is hormones, work, weather or the stress of Christmas. I am such a mess if anyone shows me any kindness I just want to cry and tell them everything. I know I have to remain positive and work hard for what I want but sometimes it is so overwhelming.
All the transsexual/transgender in fighting on various blogs has me doubting myself, which I had thought I had put well and truly behind me.
Our Christmas lights are up and look pretty but I have not caught the holiday spirit yet.
Looks like Mother Nature was having a bad day and accidently delivered our weather to Europe. Sorry but feel free to hang on to it for a while.
Now I am sure you tune in for my musical picks as much as my brilliant commentary and as usual I don’t disappoint. Here is a psychobilly version of Devil in Disguise (kind of a Trans tune if you think about it):
Hugs,
April
PS. photo is of a Series II Excalibur, my choice for the ultimate winter car so long as the fur coat and hat come standard.
