The first thought that popped into my mind as I felt tears well up in my eyes. You would think something terrible happened. Actually nothing of the sort, simply that I was unable to go out last night.
It is not the going out part it is the ability to present fully as April. To be myself, to be who I long to be all the time. My much-anticipated end of the week reward, coffee with one or two girlfriends was cancelled.
A minor inconvenience to be sure but it had an emotional impact out of all proportion. I was very upset and angry at the same time. Not angry with anyone in particular but with the situation, with my inability to transition now!
I have played out this scenario too many times. I needed to tell someone why I felt this way and to take ownership of the anger and sadness. I wanted to yell that I was fed up with living 99% of my life as male when I am not one. I could no longer take my life as April doled out in tiny pieces.
Angry that I had worked hard all week and all weekend, that I deserved this! Was two or three hours as myself too much to ask the frakkin' universe? The emotional turmoil was a quick trip back into depression, a destination I had successfully avoided for a few weeks.
After a long sulk, I cooled down a bit, watched the season finale of Mad Men, and then went for a walk in the still autumn air. I like walking at night, so quiet though one does have to keep an eye out for skunks.
I used my walk to seek some reflection; the severity of my reaction should not have come as a surprise. The opportunity to go out serves to release the pressure of gender dysphoria. I find that even a brief sojourn as April has a beneficial effect that can last for days.
I wish I could say that this incident was a catalyst for immediate change, that I would go full time; unfortunately my job gets in the way. What to do, go back to being a guy…impossible. I know I cannot keep living as male nor can I exist in this in between state for much longer. The best I can do is to use this to spur me on to make my transition a reality.
Thanks for reading.
Hugs,
April
