I finally had the chance to see my therapist for a session. I felt that I had been doing well but he immediately picked up on some back sliding on my part.
I am literally always apologizing, "why are you doing that?" he asked.
True, I have been giving away my power to others, always seeking their approval or permission to even exist. Shrinking into myself instead of being confident in who I am and what I have achieved. "You have the support of all the people that really matter, family, children, work".
"Why are you so worried about everyone else?"
I do not need their permission or approval to be April to be transsexual. I have worked hard and fought to make it to the brink of going full time. I can be confident in who I am. I do not owe an apology for who I am to the rest of the world.
I had forgotten an important lesson from when I had started therapy, to move forward in transition focusing on love and on the positive. That I will be a happier, better and stronger person than I ever was.
Unfortunately I failed my first test. Two blocks away, after the session, I pulled up to a traffic light, a slammed Honda rolled to a stop next to me, the young guy in the passengers seat leans over and says, "Is that a Mark IV" I nod my head silently.
See I was kind of in between genders, girl, jeans black t shirt, bra and heart necklace, but no make up, hair a mess from riding around with the sunroof open. Also I had not shaved as I have an electrolysis session the next day. "J" says she cannot see anything but I feel the hairs are visible.
Then he says, its a 72 right? I manage a weak yes. "Sick wheels!" I smile and nod some more. It seems like an eternity for the light to go green. They do not laugh or point. In guy mode I would have immediately engaged him in conversation and we would still be there yakking about old cars.
Next time I will do better.
The Ronettes because I love this song and Bettie Page because even though it was not her reality she seemed to exude such personality and strength in every photo.
Hugs,
April
