I finally had the chance to see my therapist for a session. I felt that I had been doing well but he immediately picked up on some back sliding on my part.
I am literally always apologizing, "why are you doing that?" he asked.
True, I have been giving away my power to others, always seeking their approval or permission to even exist. Shrinking into myself instead of being confident in who I am and what I have achieved. "You have the support of all the people that really matter, family, children, work".
"Why are you so worried about everyone else?"
I do not need their permission or approval to be April to be transsexual. I have worked hard and fought to make it to the brink of going full time. I can be confident in who I am. I do not owe an apology for who I am to the rest of the world.
I had forgotten an important lesson from when I had started therapy, to move forward in transition focusing on love and on the positive. That I will be a happier, better and stronger person than I ever was.
Unfortunately I failed my first test. Two blocks away, after the session, I pulled up to a traffic light, a slammed Honda rolled to a stop next to me, the young guy in the passengers seat leans over and says, "Is that a Mark IV" I nod my head silently.
See I was kind of in between genders, girl, jeans black t shirt, bra and heart necklace, but no make up, hair a mess from riding around with the sunroof open. Also I had not shaved as I have an electrolysis session the next day. "J" says she cannot see anything but I feel the hairs are visible.
Then he says, its a 72 right? I manage a weak yes. "Sick wheels!" I smile and nod some more. It seems like an eternity for the light to go green. They do not laugh or point. In guy mode I would have immediately engaged him in conversation and we would still be there yakking about old cars.
Next time I will do better.
The Ronettes because I love this song and Bettie Page because even though it was not her reality she seemed to exude such personality and strength in every photo.
Hugs,
April
I can relate, I find it harder to communicate normally as a male than I do as a female. I lose my confidence. What if I get over chatty and my voice goes higher? What if my hand gestures make me look female? So I kinda grunt and concentrate too hard on passing as a man. :D
ReplyDeleteApril,
ReplyDeleteThis is one guy in a friggin' Honda! C'mon. This isn't a failure, this is a reminder that yes, you have to work a little harder to maintain your confidence. You are kicking a$$ more than you think. Baby steps, one at a time. You aren't going to build up your feminine confidenct all in one shot. It will be done one day, one interaction, one decision at a time. Let it come to you. Don't force it, but don't back away either. You are a strong, independent, smart and beautiful woman. You are. Be confident in that for yourself first, then the rest of the world will notice. : )
BTW, here is a clip I like to watch for inspiration at times. Hope you like it and take some inspiration from it also.
Best, Karin (IJAGIT)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cPd9gEzGMo
Hi April,
ReplyDeleteYeah - what they said. :c)
I get the whole "test" thing. It's always felt to me as if parental approval was contingent on acing the latest in a never-ending series of tests - and God help you if you slipped once. I finally realized I was playing a game I couldn't win. So I stopped playing. It wasn't/isn't easy, but it beat the alternative.
So, hang in there! As someone who's just starting out, I can tell you you're an inspiration. :c) You're doing great, girl. Just remind yourself every day.
In the meantime, check out Calvin and Hobbes's take on the whole self-esteem thing:
http://hoffstrizz.typepad.com/.a/6a0128773aba66970c013480ea0d34970c-800wi
Sigh. I miss Bill Watterson... :c)
== Kelly
April - you have come such a long way. I read much of your worries about your boss and look how that turned out. You have so much on your side and all those little steps add up to great strides.
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourslef up - there will be other days when you will feel confident and the conversation will flow. Eventually those days will be everyday and you will be living your life as you wish.
I read your previous post about contentment just before this one - that's how your life will be. Focus on that.
Still think you look great by the way !
Becca