In Dreams

Normally I don’t put much store in dreams and besides I am usually too exhausted to dream much at all. The other night I had a remarkably real (hyper realistic?) dream where I was in a job interview. I know other people’s dreams can be boring so I will try and keep it brief.

I sat across from the female interviewer separated by a desk in a modern open plan office environment. I was not dressed as April but as “him” in a conservative suit and tie. The interview was going very well and I remember thinking that this seemed like a great place to work. It was only then that I gazed down at my feet, no shoes! And OMG lavender painted toe nails. I looked up and the interviewer was looking down at my feet as well. I felt myself simultaneously pale and go red with embarrassment.

We looked up at the same time and as our eyes met she gave me a conspiratorial wink then said, “The boss is a bit old fashioned but you shouldn’t have any problem as April”.
It seemed I got the job. On waking I was rather disappointed it was all a dream.

Obviously wish fulfillment, as the one thing standing in my way is a job I can transition at. The universe and I better conspire to make this dream a reality.

Hugs,

April

The Shadow Knows

As I mentioned yesterday I did make it out on the weekend but it was a close thing. No I am not talking about my emotional breakdown; I almost cancelled as I was not happy with the way I looked.

I have been undergoing laser hair removal on my face since the spring and I believe I just had my fifth appointment. I paid in advance for six treatments and as many follow up sessions as it takes to get rid of all black hairs. Funded through the sale of some car parts and articles I wrote. There are some white ones too but the less said about those the better.

About two months ago I was able to get away with just foundation, no Dermablend, just like a real woman. However some dormant hairs came through and it was back to the heavy makeup to hide any shadow. During the latest session last Thursday they set the phasers to kill and though I applaud the take no prisoners approach all those dead hairs simply lay on the surface and don’t fall out for about two weeks.

On the Saturday a close shave still left me looking like Richard Nixon and even Dermablend seemed to do little to hide the dreaded shadow. I know it is a temporary thing but it plays havoc with my self confidence. I continued to get dressed and though happy with my outfit I was really torn about going out.

Wife and children gave thumbs up to the sweater dress and boots (it is getting cold here) but my irrepressible middle child said I need a shave. I could have died.

If I hadn’t promised to meet Marissa I think I would have stayed home. Yesterday and today’s photo is from Saturday. If you think I am going to show you the ones I think you can see a shadow in you are gravely mistaken. Such is the vanity of the transgendered.

I don’t think I looked too bad and I did enjoy my time out. But I am not venturing out in public again until the latest lasered crop fall out and my face is clearer. This weekend? Next weekend?

Hugs,

April

19th Nervous Breakdown

Saturday always goes by in a blur, children’s activities, shopping, chores inside and outside the house. Extra work last weekend as it was Halloween and pumpkins had to be carved. Nothing like having your arm deep in pumpkin guts to get in the spirit of things….maybe its good for the skin. I carved three in record time. Not a bad showing this season, if I say so myself.

I admit I was disappointed about not getting out for Halloween as April. I had a last minute invite to a costume party but circumstances meant I could not attend.

The plan Saturday evening was to see my friend Marissa for coffee. The hours ticked by but I hadn’t had a chance to get ready or even pick out an outfit. No one could decide on what they wanted for dinner and everyone seemed out of sorts. Perhaps it was the changing weather but tempers flared and my wife and I argued.

I fell apart; I retreated to the bedroom and sobbed, a full breakdown. Overwhelmed with frustration and despair.

It is hard to recapture the intensity of the emotions; in fact it seems rather silly now. In reality I have much to be thankful for. My wife came in and was very supportive recognizing the stress I am under and the frustration of not living as who I am. She encouraged me to get ready and go out, which after dinner I did.

Apologies for being AWOL, on location filming yesterday and filming on set again today, two interviews.

To all those reading south of the border, no not Mexico, south of our border, yes in the USA get out and vote…let the Force guide you.

Oh yeah one more thing I have a cold, not the full blown Captain Trips but I do feel like one of the walking dead right now.

Once again the Rolling Stones…

More Notes From Suburbia

Halloween is only days away and the children were allowed to wear their costumes to school. My wife delivered the princess and the Hogwarts student I drove the vampire in the Mark IV. It was heart warming, they were so excited, it was great to see children just happy being children. I pity the teachers though I am sure no work will get done today.

I am a little put out as I don’t get to dress up. I thought about taking the children trick or treating in a female costume (Morticia Addams perhaps) but we discussed it and my wife didn’t think it was a good idea. The neighbors will eventually know about me and she didn’t want them to think it was all a game.

The ironic thing is that for the first time in my life I am invited to a costume party. An excuse to dress up! Do you know how long the old me was waiting for just such an opportunity! But will have to pass for the same reason given above.

I don’t even know if I will get out this weekend and on this our tribes most important holiday.

Grease under my nails again as I spent an hour last night working on the vacuum operated light doors on the 76 Lincoln Mark IV. I think I finally found the leaking vacuum hose that was causing a terrible hissing noise when the lights were on. Sounded like a displeased cat trapped somewhere under the cavernous hood (bonnet to you British readers).

Bad news is that a brake line ruptured. The Mark has four wheel disk brakes with normally excellent stopping power. Have to get to my mechanic at lunch to have repaired….I can’t do everything you know.

Enough bitching, I am extremely blessed with great children, an understanding wife and some seriously cool parents. I hope you read the posts “Thanks Mom” and “Telling Dad”. The statistical probability of having two supportive parents makes me want to run out and by a lottery ticket. My heart is so much lighter having told them and in turn their acceptance of me….April.

Hugs

PS. Halloween themed pictures are works by Shag, (a favorite artist of mine) commemorating the 40th anniversary of Disney’s Haunted Mansion, which also happens to be my favorite Disney ride.

http://www.shag.com/

Thanks Mom

I have been blogging for a little while now and although my mom knew she had not read it. She does know about me.

She had recently bought a lap top and is busy discovering the internet in earnest. So I took a chance and emailed her the link to my blog.

The other day at work I received a reply, with trepidation I read it then began to cry.

I hope she does not mind but here is part of the message:

"I cannot imagine how much turmoil you must have been in, and still are, but giving voice, however one does it, is so important … I struggled along with your anger and frustration in one blog and wished I could have helped, so have cried and empathized along with you, as well as admiring the photos. I would be proud to introduce you as my daughter".

I will treasure these words forever.

Thanks Mom

Hugs,

April

Beauty in the Eye of the Beholder

Please don’t expect any deep thoughts today, just an excuse to post some recent pictures.

I didn’t mention I also made it out for coffee on Sunday with Natasha. Too bad we were both so tired that we had to limit our chat to just under an hour. Another black outfit and no I was never a Goth. Actually I don’t know if Goths existed when I was a teenager, punks yes.

I don’t know if I am becoming more confident or just don’t care. No one in the coffee shop seemed to stare at us or pay us any undue attention. That is all any of us want just to be another woman free to live her life.

Finally installed the new carb on the 72 Mark IV, just in time for her to go into storage. It looked so beautiful it was almost a shame to bolt it on…almost. See girls can appreciate mechanical perfection too.

That under hood shot represents 920 combined cubic inches. Still waiting for my thank you note from OPEC.

The 76 Mark IV is being its usual maddening self, lots of minor glitches but always ready to do battle on the morning commute. I really need a new “old” shaft style radio. I replaced the original unit with a cheap cassette deck I had squirreled away years ago for my late lamented 70 Riviera GS. The cassette allows me to play the iPod but the FM reception is very poor and sometimes you just want to listen to the news.

Don’t get me started on fuel consumption, single digit, I need to give her a tune up this weekend which I am sure will improve performance and economy.

On the open road portion of my morning journey with the cruise control on it is heaven.

Hugs,

April

Confessions of a Night Hawk

Being tired is not pretty.

I have always been a night hawk; even if I don’t have anything to do I will end up staying up late. The late late late show kind of late.

Of course having children means that if you want to do anything be it paper work, exercise or trying to find out why the climate control system of your vintage seventies luxury car only blows hot air…the hours of darkness are your only option.

For years I have gotten by on three to four hours sleep. The idea that other mortals slept eight or more seemed completely alien me.

Time for a change, I am making a conscious effort to organize my time better, get more done and to paradoxically try to get to bed earlier. Age or perhaps the effect of the hormones is making burning the candle at both ends an increasingly difficult task.

In the meantime there is always Starbucks and music to fuel the sleep deprived mind. Speaking of which here is a faster live version of the Clash’s “Should I Stay or Should I Go”.

PS. Watch closely and you will see a car just like mine!



Hugs,

April