“When the angel of death comes looking for me, when the angels sing, I hope I was everything I was supposed to be”
I unexpectedly came across this photo of my younger self. Taken two decades ago at least (I feel faint) at a car show with like minded rockabilly friends. I think this was during my university days just before I did my MBA.
Did I know then, yes but it was as if through a glass darkly.
I was a little hesitant to show this but I have posted a guy picture before. I must say that my hair was outstanding, I still have the motorcycle jacket and it fits. I had dyed my hair blond (not very well), I thought it would make me look more like Billy Fury.
It was a very odd sensation seeing this photo. I am really not sure what to make of my emotions, have I killed him, lost him, what would I say to my younger self? Transition now! Hang in there it will be ok? Just check out now! Don't do this to your future wife! I am at a loss for words.
I was happy to get out Sunday and thought I looked ok but the few photos MJ shot made me look awful. I think I looked rather gaunt and haggard. I blame the lack of sleep and being stressed out at work. I can safely say that I now fully appreciate the concept of beauty sleep.
Bad news is that my current work load will not abate until sometime next week and there is no one but me to get the job done. Hopefully Sunday afternoon I will be able to take a breather. Until then every day and night is consumed by writing. It is a truism that we live in a downsized and razor thin world.
Writing to some comes easily (Stephen King comes to mind, someone please get him an editor) but apart from some rare instances it is like pulling teeth for me. The completion of an article, script or proposal leaves me exhausted and mentally drained.
So raise a cup of joe and wish me Godspeed.
Here is Glenn Glenn with One Cup of Coffee (And A Cigarette):
Ok not the best picture from last night but the only one with a festive background. Coffee with MJ at our regular hangout. No I am not really on the phone with the Jolly Old Elf. Priority call from girlfriend Natasha detailing her shoe shopping spree in NY City.
I went to wife’s office Christmas party the other night. It was a formal affair so I was in a suit. We had a friend baby sitting so I agreed to go home early to relieve her. She would stay for the dancing and socializing getting a ride home with a co-worker.
I am usually quite uncomfortable at these setting so I didn't mind, the dinner was nice and I had a fun conversation with the woman next to me about cars (surprise!). When the dancing started wife kindly engaged me in conversation about some of the outfits various wives and co-workers were wearing.
I was doing ok with the GID until I had a look out at the dance floor, I felt such an intense loss (a loss for something I had never known), I wanted to be out there as April.
I found the intensity of the emotion surprising and it left me very upset. Once I had the children to bed there were some tears.
Super busy at work but got some writing done Saturday, I could have stayed in and done more Sunday but I knew getting out would help me be more productive in the long run.
Here is Dave Edmunds with a very cool New Years Eve live version of Chuck's Run Run Rudolf, perhaps my favourite Christmas song (the go go girls doing the swim was a nice touch):
Work is crazy and I will likely not be able to get out as April for a week or two because of filming and a script I have to write. I will not be a happy camper (actually my idea of camping is a really nice hotel) and will end up wound tighter than a cheap watch.
Feeling totally stressed and time was is short supply yesterday. I started to draft a post but didn’t make it…sorry. I am always gratified that people read my blog and even take the time to post a response.
It was with some surprise that my post from Wed. had four comments. It was so nice to hear from all of you and it made a huge difference in my day. The lovely, supportive and encouraging words helped clear some of the grey clouds from my sky.
Yesterday was my fifth or six laser appointments, I actually really look forward to the sessions despite the minor discomfort as it is concrete proof I am making some progress on my road to womanhood. (Look I worked in the blog’s title….so subtle).
The morning commute can be an opportunity for some quiet contemplation, if you ignore the resonance from the Toronado’s stainless steel dual exhaust. It struck me that I also enjoy the sessions as it is almost exclusively a female environment and I am accepted without question. They know the reason why I am having laser hair removal and have been very kind, praising the photos I have shared and even visiting this blog.
I am told I have had good results and the time between sessions has been extended to coax out any dormant hairs that can then be eliminated with extreme prejudice.
I am still wrestling with a schedule that it too full for the hours provided. A late night combined with one of the children crawling into bed and then kicking me at odd intervals until the alarm sounded has made for an exhausting morning.
I seriously contemplated calling in sick and working from home as I feared crashing the car into a ditch or worse injuring a fellow motorist. But as there is no rest for the wicked I fueled up with coffee and aimed the hood of the big black car due north. Made it but by the afternoon will need a recharge at Starbucks.
Hugs,
April
I will leave you with Elvis signing We're Coming In Loaded from the movie Girls, Girls, Girls. I love Elvis movies not because they are bad or the music uninspired but because they always contain hidden gems that reinforce my belief that he was the coolest cat on the planet. I mean could anyone else make commercial fishing sound so good or look so good doing it.
I believe that is Red West on guitar, I met his brother Sonny a few years ago, both were members of the Memphis Mafia. That is Elvis' entourage for the uninitiated, but more about that next week.
I think the approaching winter weather here in the southern part of our glorious Dominion (sounds regal doesn’t it?) has played havoc with my emotional state. In fact I think weather is having an effect on the whole family.
All grey and rainy with skeletal trees scratching at cold marble skies. It is not the climate for someone who has an addiction to old cars.
Crazy emotional this week, angry, sad, down, crying. Not sure if it is hormones, work, weather or the stress of Christmas. I am such a mess if anyone shows me any kindness I just want to cry and tell them everything. I know I have to remain positive and work hard for what I want but sometimes it is so overwhelming.
All the transsexual/transgender in fighting on various blogs has me doubting myself, which I had thought I had put well and truly behind me.
Our Christmas lights are up and look pretty but I have not caught the holiday spirit yet.
Looks like Mother Nature was having a bad day and accidently delivered our weather to Europe. Sorry but feel free to hang on to it for a while.
Now I am sure you tune in for my musical picks as much as my brilliant commentary and as usual I don’t disappoint. Here is a psychobilly version of Devil in Disguise (kind of a Trans tune if you think about it):
Hugs,
April
PS. photo is of a Series II Excalibur, my choice for the ultimate winter car so long as the fur coat and hat come standard.
Into the city today for a meeting in full male drag, suit, tie, cashmere overcoat (which I forgot I had). Even my big chunky Russian watch, keeps terrible time but looks cool. Usually I am not so sartorial day to day as our office environment is casual, black jeans, black shirt, black jacket, seeing a pattern here…I like black. First time client meeting so suit required.
Being in a suit is both familiar (takes me back to my banking days) and somewhat alien. The reflection in the mirror was not the image in my head.
Friends have said they can see some changes in my face as the hormones begin to have an effect. I perceived that something was off about my presentation (hair too long, nails too long?) but I doubt I raised any suspicions.
A CD/TS/TG meme is the Matrix red pill, blue pill question. If you could take a pill to make it all go away would you. Too late for me I already swallowed mine but the answer today would be different from what it was two years ago.
Jeez where to start, there should really be canon of blues songs about the trials and tribulations of trying to survive as a middle class family.
Reviewing my finances on line is really the wrong way to begin a Monday morning. If I keep my foot out of the accelerator I just might have enough gas money to get me to my next pay check.
Had to work last night which adds insult to injury as it costs me to drive in on the weekend. Presentation tomorrow have to wear a suit….guy suit….boooooo
I had a whole lot of other topics to bitch about today but economics has rather taken the wind out of my sails. I need a pep talk; Jessie Jackson’s 1988 presidential slogan keeps popping up in my mind… “Keep hope alive!!” Funny thing is I am a Republican or as much of one as someone living in our Dominion can be.
Hope is so important; it is what makes us get up every morning, to take another breath and to believe we can make the impossible, possible. Depression is like anti-matter, it is the absence of hope. So I keep trying to Keep Hope Alive!
I was able to go out Saturday night, met up with girlfriends Ashley and Marissa and her adult son John. We had a great time at Boston Pizza, it felt very natural and I was not spooked by the crowd. I still don’t make as much eye contact as I do in guy mode but I hold my head up and go where I want to go. Just three women talking about movies, fashion, politics etc….wonderful.
So what did I wear, sweater, pencil skirt, boots, black of course with a gold chain belt.
I honor of my general air of being bummed here is Social Distortion and “Bad Luck”, title sound like a downer but it is a real rave up:
