Christmas eve, I hope everyone has someone to share the season with.
The roads and stores were crazy here yesterday so apart from early morning grocery shopping we stayed close to home. It is so nice to have even a few days away from the work to spend with the family.
I was actually looking forward to going to church this evening but the oldest child is sick so I am staying home while "J" takes the younger ones.
Why car photos, well I washed the accumulated road salt and grime from the Chrysler Town & Country Limited (my wife says I am pompous when I call it that). See it is possible to wash a car at home is sub zero weather!
Also started and ran the Lincoln Mark IV after letting the block heater warm the oil for an hour or two. I like the picture looks like the car is so big you can see the curvature of the earth.
Took the Toronado (not washed yet) out to buy ginger ale for the oldest's upset stomach and had a nice chat with a man from Ohio about Oldsmobiles and vintage cars in general. Said he hadn't seen a 78 XS in decades.
Still some gifts to wrap and A Christmas Carol (Alastair Sims version) or It's A Wonderful Life to watch. I cry at the end of both of them even without hormones.
Here is Elvis singing Here Comes Santa Claus, check out the cool photos Elvis and Priscilla in a snowy Memphis.
I want a Chuck Berry Record and a picture of Elvis too….. well that is a given isn’t it.
Can’t believe I had not heard this one before, George Thorogood delivers a great holiday stormer that will have you dancing around the room. Has a great Dave Edmunds sound. Set the way back machine to 1981 to MTV’s first year Christmas party.
Extra special added bonus, pink 59 Cadillac at the beginning of the video (Santa’s sleigh ?) and just who is that playing old Saint Nick, is it Johnny Lee Hooker or Bo Diddley?!?
Feel free to comment on the fashions and the shortness of the dresses Santa’s helpers are wearing.
I still have some shopping to do, yikes!
Really messed up yesterday, I thought my wife had the day off so I quietly got up made coffee, took out the trash and was on my way as quiet as a mouse. I get a phone message later that day, she had to work that day and had to drive the children to my mothers….whoops.
Luckily by then she could see the humorous side since she still managed to drop off the kids and get to work close to on time. She had told me the night before but I was so tired from coughing all night with this cold going around that I was a total zombie. Don’t know how I made it to work, I think the car just remembers the way there.
Another resume out yesterday and another queued up, perhaps North Central Positronics is hiring…
Dear constant readers, hope your Christmas preparations are all in order and if not you better get busy. Those of you, who don’t celebrate the season, count yourselves lucky….just kidding…somewhat. I am hopelessly behind even more than usual but I am blaming work.
Sorry didn’t post yesterday as we were filming late into the evening. I was hoping for a bit of a break today but another urgent assignment got to drop everything and do that. Cannot even take any time off as planned since we have an early January deadline to meet.
Thank goodness for my wife as she has picked up the slack and infused the house with Christmas decorations and spirit.
My current job is a roadblock to my transition. The only option is to make the time to find another position. I am working hard to make that happen and have already sent off some resumes but finding the time is difficult. I need to do more to realize my destiny.
I attended two Christmas open houses last week, both were very pleasant affairs, I had a real bad day at work Friday so the first event was somewhat over shadowed by my experience earlier that day.
I am a lot less shy than I used to be but at one point found myself both literally and figuratively sitting alone between the men and the women. I certainly know which side I wish to be on, however in my present state I seem to be neither one nor the other.
The second get together, apart from a brief discussion about the merits of snow tires found me hanging out on the female side of the room. I was more comfortable there but had to feign either shock or ignorance when it came to certain topics.
Hugs,
April
I have no idea if this 1988 song by Joe Strummer has anything to do with being Trans despite the word being in the title. The track from the movie Permanent Record has obscure Dylanesque lyrics and a great beat.
The horror comic cover was borrowed from the Rev. Frost site, if you like the kind of music I tend to post check him out and be sure to download his latest Christmas Mix:
Dr. Spiegel, one of basically four experts in facial feminization surgery was giving a lecture in Toronto. I had a consultation with him in Atlanta at the Southern Comfort Conference in 2009. I came away very impressed and was determined that if I were to have surgery it would be with him.
I welcomed the opportunity to hear him speak again and it would be a chance to push my own envelope and make another trip to the big city as April, oh and in daylight too!
The lecture was scheduled for 11:00 am and my meeting with Dr. Spiegel was at 1:15 pm. The drive into Toronto can be unpredictable as to traffic and weather so I wanted to leave around nine in order to make it downtown and park without being too pressed for time.
The household was in general chaos as the children had dance and swimming classes that morning and my wife would have to take them herself, always a stressful job.
Wanting to look as natural as possible I choose a favorite pair of jeans, black top with lace trim and a black sweater. I did my make up and nails and was ready to go by quarter past nine.
Not having come out to my neighbors yet some stealth was necessary in leaving my little slice of suburbia. A heavy male bomber jacket, runners and dark glasses made me fairly indistinguishable from my workaday male self.
The roads were clear and I made it into Toronto in good time and found convenient underground parking close to 519 Church where the lecture would be held. Once the Toronado was dry docked I was able to switch over to boots, female coat and of course a wig. I have been letting my natural hair grow and had a little trouble of getting the wig to sit right.
I had some difficulty finding the place but made it with enough time to touch up my face. I can’t say I was really happy with my look at first, just couldn’t seem to get the hair right. Perhaps I was just feeling too self conscious.
When I go out I am usually very nervous for the first 45 minutes or so, Saturday was no exception. As I waited for the lecture to begin I began to get more and more agitated, I felt I looked too much like a guy, comparing myself unfavorably with the other attendees, the majority of whom I guessed were full time.
Once the lecture began I relaxed considerably and even laughed at some of Doctor Spiegel’s jokes. It was all very interesting and I learned a lot. While I was waiting for my consultation I started chatting with two other girls.
They were quite complimentary regarding my outfit and appearance, doing wonders for my self confidence. Later we went for coffee, it was quite normal and at the same time sublime. Just three women out on the town and having a chat, a wonderful experience.
I began to feel that all was not black and that I could do this (transition) after all, and do it successfully.
Dr. Spiegel remembered me from Atlanta and we reviewed the procedures he recommended to feminize my face. I wish I could have the surgery tomorrow. No it is not cheap and a beloved car or two will have to be sold. I love my cars but I know what is more important in this situation.
I journeyed home with a lighter heart and was able to spend the rest of the day with my family as myself. Another wonderful experience.
I was exhausted by days end, the stresses of leaving the house and getting into the city had drained me but I went to bed that evening as happy as I have been in a long long time.
Hugs,
April
So how can I work in an Elvis video??? Well he did play one in the movie Change of Habit. No cracks about his knowledge of pharmacology and type casting....
Once the words have left your lips there is no taking them back, I want to be a woman, I want to transition. Some might insist that it is I am a woman and I must transition.
In 1519, Capitan Hernando Cortes set fire to his fleet, or so they say, giving his army no way to escape, victory would be their only savior. It worked he defeated the Aztec Empire and Spain made South America hers.
There is no going back, our ships are burnt upon the shore and I wish for us all to dance in the sight of their flames.
Travelling into the big city tomorrow as April! As they say getting there is half the fun…
I am lucky that those closest to me read this blog, my mother for one. She suggested I feature Edith Piaf’s signature tune, Non, je ne regrette rien, "No,I regret nothing". I know a bit of a dramatic choice but is a beautiful song and when played at the end of her bio pic La Vie En Rose, it will leave you in tears.
I was vaguely familiar with the tune and Piaf’s tough but amazing life story but I did not know that this tune was adopted by the Foreign Legion. It was sung as the leaders of the failed 1961 Algerian coup surrendered themselves to prison and disgrace. Oh how wonderfully French.
Please listen not as the soundtrack to a defiant last stand (but a great choice) but more as a declaration of strength and hope for the future.
Some synchronicity as I have been dreaming of the South of France, an ideal warm and peaceful escape from the stresses of work and the chill of winter....just let me take my Corvette please.
The last week has been a difficult one with my depression resurfacing with all the ill temper of the recent winter weather those of us in the New World have endured. Dealing with these demons while at work was particularly challenging. In my mind I had a number of stories prepared for why I looked so distraught. Luckily my office is relatively private and no one barged in yesterday.
I am sure my depression was evident in my posts, sorry for being such a downer, I am sure I sound like a whiney bitch. I was asked what is stopping me?
Good question, technically nothing except it would be my last day at work. My current position and thus the financial security of my family and myself would be sacrificed. If I were alone in the world I really would not care and would let the chips fall where they may.
The way forward should be clear, find another position. The difficulty and hard work associated with finding a new job and questions of do I tell when should I tell seemed to have paralyzed me into indecision.
A good friend reminded me that my destiny is womanhood and that I must work hard to grasp my goal, to allow myself to give up would be to condemn myself to the abyss.
Clearly I cannot maintain the status quo and must make the new job my utmost priority forsaking everything else. As Woody Harrelson said in Zombieland, “time to nut up or shut up”….perhaps an ironic choice in inspirational speeches but it was a cool movie…anybody got a Twinkie?
When I find a new song I like I usually play it constantly, so dig this undiscovered gem (to me at least) of the Tall Boys tribute to The Island of Lost Souls, great rolling, twangy groove:
