Better than Red Bull

After a bit of a dry spell I was able to get out on Saturday evening. Natasha, Ashley and I went into the big city where there are venues that cater to a more cosmopolitan crowd. Not exactly my cup of tea and certainly not my kind of music. However, when in Rome…

I was able to inflict my choice of music on the girls in the car as I was the designated driver. We took my wife’s Chrysler Town & Country as it has the room and is easier to park and far more inconspicuous than a vintage Lincoln Mark IV.

I was very happy to be out as April and despite a late night I was so fully of energy the next day I didn’t feel tired at all. Raked leaves, washed cars, cleaned the gutters and other assorted tasks and chores. Now if going full time gives me that sort of boost every day I will be unstoppable.

These were my two favorite pictures, black sweater dress, black tights and two inch heels, left the four inch heels in the car.

Hugs,

April

Like Riding a Bike

I find that when I have not gone out for a couple of weeks (only two in this case) my confidence takes a real beating. I start to worry if I can possibly pass, can I put together an outfit that looks good? I almost want the outing to be cancelled, I worry and get all stressed out. I stop feeling like a woman and start feeling like an awkward guy again.

Right now it is a lot of work to go out. Make up, nails, shaving, carefully choosing an outfit beforehand. Also having young children means I cannot simply head out the door anytime I want. All outings have to be planned like a military operation and like as not I end up running late.

When I have gone out and I am happy with my presentation I feel like I can conquer the world in heels and that I am more than ready to go full time. I am bursting with happiness and confidence. The next time will be even easier…just like riding a bike.

Why did I include the above image, well I just love her smile, the model and the Cadillac Eldorado. I have one, the Eldorado silly. Such an imposing grill but friendly, almost like she is smiling at you.

Hugs,

April

Cars & Girls

I was never self conscious about my choice of car before but as April I have had the odd twinge of reluctance to be seen behind the wheels of some of my cars.

First of all they are all unique and I could be possibly outing myself to be seen en femme in any of them. Even on this blog I am wary to mention exactly what year car I am currently obsessing over as an errant Google search could quickly lead back to my male persona. So no photos or discussion of the Caddy or Stutz until I am out!

I have most frequently used my Corvette or Oldsmobile Toronado as C3 Corvettes are a common sight in the summer and the Toronado although quite rare seems to have a stealth quality about that rivals a Klingon warbird.

If I was truly paranoid I would stick to the late model Chrysler Town & Country minivan that is the primary family transport.

The Lincoln Continentals are great cars and I have even driven the 72 to an LGBT event (it made for quite an entrance) but the 76 gives me pause. Not because it is unreliable or too unique (it is dropped and riding on 20s) but because it is in desperate need of paint….basically she is looking a bit too ghetto for my taste. As a guy I was not too self conscious about her appearance, it gave the Mark a rat rod mystique and alerted other car fans this was a work in process and I did the work.

Not the message I wanted to send as April, I found myself at the gas station recently admiring a pretty grey and silver 79 Cadillac Seville. A perfect April car I caught myself saying or maybe a nice Jaguar XJS convertible might be a good choice…

For a car “guy” who prided “himself” on being an iconoclast and driving whatever “he” thought cool this was heresy. I am still far from confident as my female self and anything out of the ordinary or not typically feminine is something I try to avoid, like pulling up to Payless Shoes in a lowrider.

I know that I love cars whatever my gender and I have no intention of abandoning that part of myself when I transition. The intensity of that affair may diminish somewhat but I could no more deny that part of myself as I could go back into the closest so to speak.

Somewhere in here is a lesson about being true to oneself also I need to spruce up the Mark IV so it is mall ready. Did you know her metallic jade green almost matches my favorite MAC eye shadow?

Hugs

April

I Can’t F..king Take This S..t Anymore

The first thought that popped into my mind as I felt tears well up in my eyes. You would think something terrible happened. Actually nothing of the sort, simply that I was unable to go out last night.

It is not the going out part it is the ability to present fully as April. To be myself, to be who I long to be all the time. My much-anticipated end of the week reward, coffee with one or two girlfriends was cancelled.

A minor inconvenience to be sure but it had an emotional impact out of all proportion. I was very upset and angry at the same time. Not angry with anyone in particular but with the situation, with my inability to transition now!

I have played out this scenario too many times. I needed to tell someone why I felt this way and to take ownership of the anger and sadness. I wanted to yell that I was fed up with living 99% of my life as male when I am not one. I could no longer take my life as April doled out in tiny pieces.

Angry that I had worked hard all week and all weekend, that I deserved this! Was two or three hours as myself too much to ask the frakkin' universe? The emotional turmoil was a quick trip back into depression, a destination I had successfully avoided for a few weeks.

After a long sulk, I cooled down a bit, watched the season finale of Mad Men, and then went for a walk in the still autumn air. I like walking at night, so quiet though one does have to keep an eye out for skunks.

I used my walk to seek some reflection; the severity of my reaction should not have come as a surprise. The opportunity to go out serves to release the pressure of gender dysphoria. I find that even a brief sojourn as April has a beneficial effect that can last for days.

I wish I could say that this incident was a catalyst for immediate change, that I would go full time; unfortunately my job gets in the way. What to do, go back to being a guy…impossible. I know I cannot keep living as male nor can I exist in this in between state for much longer. The best I can do is to use this to spur me on to make my transition a reality.

Thanks for reading.

Hugs,

April

Hidden History

As a historian at heart or just a history geek, it was my undergrad degree after all; I am always looking for the background of things. The history of the cars I drive, the places I visit. Even in relatively young North America there is a wealth of fascinating history all around us laying just under the surface of everyday life.

Prior to the internet age being Trans generally meant a life in isolation. Just as the net has allowed us to discover each other and to find out we are not alone it is also bringing to light the history of our “tribe”.

I never fail to be amazed by those women and men who have had the courage and determination to transition in the past. It is damn hard now; I can hardly imagine the strength it took to be themselves in the fifties, sixties, seventies, even eighties.

Growing up I would scour every library I came across to learn more about my “condition”. There was such a dearth of material, a book here or there like scraps from some forgotten civilization. The lack of information mirrored my own life, a hidden history, which I dared not share with anyone.

I have talked about Roberta Cowell and April Ashley in the past and recommend you read their autobiographies.

http://www.changelingaspects.com/Life%20Stories/RobertaCowell/Roberta%20Cowell%20Story.pdf

http://www.antijen.org/Aprilv1/

I am most indebted to Elizabeth at Notes From the T Side for telling her story and for bring Harry Benjamin’s seminal work The Transsexual Phenomenon to a wider audience. Here are the links:

http://ben-girl-notesfromthetside.blogspot.com/

http://www.transgenderzone.com/downloads/ttphenom.pdf

Reading Harry’s book it is amazing to see both how much has changed and how little. Now there are understanding doctors and therapists, surgery is available across the continent and we no longer fear arrest and prosecution. However, the case histories mentioned shows that the heartbreak and joy are still the same.

Hugs,

April

Lookin’ for Trouble

No nothing is wrong; it is just that I promised I would post a link to Amanda Lear’s first single a cover of Elvis’ Trouble from the 1958 movie King Creole. Amanda’s version is “sung” in French, hence the title of her 1976 début single, La Bagarre.

Having fun driving the 2011 Mustang with the new 5.0 mill, on the way into work caught the sixties punk classics I Fought the Law by the Bobby Fuller Four and Dirty Robber by the Wailers. That has got to the closest I will get to experiencing what it would be like to purchase a new muscle car back in the day.

Very rainy couple of days here so thank goodness for the Mustang’s traction control, otherwise with all that power anything other than dry tarmac would really mean trouble.

Crazy morning making five lunches, then spouse and I herding everyone out the door, sometimes it feels that I have had a full day by the time I get to work. I am sure she does too.

Worked a little on the Mark IV in the rain, concerned about the custom four core rad I installed a number of years ago. Some of the delicate copper cooling fins had corroded, did a quick test this morning and looked ok but I will have to keep my eye on the coolant level. The big rad was necessary to keep the modified 460 V8 cool, despite a hood the size of an aircraft carrier there is not much room…its all taken up by engine.

Just in case you think you have stumbled on a car repair blog, a few Trans thoughts. I feel that there has been another subtle shift towards the feminine over the last week or two. Being April even when not presenting as such seems more natural, my thoughts and desires are as a woman. However, it is a tenuous thread, if I think too much about it that wonderful feeling of being her evaporates. I remain as impatient as ever to feel that way all the time.

Hugs,

April

Sleep Deprivation, Mustangs and a Must Read

Another wasted evening, I had plans to exercise, work on cars and finish the draft of an article for publication. I am sure other parents of young children can appreciate. After a relatively productive day at work I made it home for dinner (I was running late). By the time dishes were done, children readied for bed I was starting to crash. Mid way through the seven year olds bedtime story I started to mumble incoherently about contracts and blocking charts.

Once their lights were out I laid down (just for minute mind you) next thing I know I awoke with at start at midnight. I still had a disk to drop off! Hopped in the new 2011 Mustang GT (on loan…I am not made of money) to run my errand.

Nothing like 412 hp to wake you up! A CD of obscure soul and rockabilly added to the experience. You could get into so much trouble in this car and it is a good deal for the amount of performance under your heel(s).

Recharged slightly I decided to check e-mail and look up the stats on my blog…instead of doing something useful.

I took the opportunity of revisiting Elizabeth’s blog. I had a look earlier had had not been sure what to make of her story, reading from the beginning really opened my eyes. I know she must have more readers than me but I have to highly recommend (GO NOW) and read Notes from the T Side, an unassuming title but a riveting account of early transition not just in age but in era.

I am quite in awe of her and reading her amazing story does not make me regret my inability to transition earlier but fills me with hope for the future.

http://ben-girl-notesfromthetside.blogspot.com/

Two more photos from my weekend outing. Dorothy Parker said, “Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses." But I think ok in this one at least.

Hugs,

April

PS. To feel better I got up early this morning and did some work on the Mark IV’s washer system. Ford put the washer pump motor in the reservoir, it cracks washer fluid shorts out the motor…a little April re-engineering is in order.