A New Found Confidence

I am not quite sure where it came from. All of a sudden fear has fallen away and I am ready to tell the world that I am Trans that I want to be a woman. A year ago and even a month or two ago I would only admit that to myself. Saying that out loud to another person would have been unimaginable. Other girls talk about ones bell ringing, this is similar, like a switch has been thrown and I am now ready to take that next big step.

Don't get me wrong I am still a nervous wreck when I go out as April to somewhere new. My friends and I often frequent a local coffee shop. The staff know us and I feel totally comfortable meeting their for a little girl talk. Put me in a mall for the first time and I will be a basket case for the first forty five minutes or so. Then I can shop till I drop.

The confidence is that I am becoming April more and more even when I do not clearly present as female. I feel her presence even when I am at work in guy mode. And I welcome her "hostile" takeover. My therapist described her as ruthless but in a good way. Perhaps she is finally tired of hiding. I wrote to one friend saying that once I have told my children, almost everyone I care about will know and to paraphrase Nelson, the rest can be damned.

More importantly I am no longer filled with an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame. Those terrible twin emotions that drive Trans people to despair and their darkest thoughts. It is a confidence that I finally believe that I can do it, that I can successfully transition. I have hope again. I can now imagine the unimaginable...telling people and transition itself has become "maginable" . My SO talked about telling her parents, her sister and brother, about neighbors finding out and I found that I could take it that I wanted them to know, that I was excited and happy to let them know who I am. It is a step closer to becoming who I want to be.

Therapy has allowed me to better accept myself and now I can share April with those I love and eventually the world. Becoming April is not a bad thing it is not shameful or a cause for guilt it is a JOYOUS thing, it is a transformation full of LOVE and HOPE.

It is this weekend we plan to tell the children. I am scared; I do not want to hurt them. I have though a lot about what I will say and how to say it but most importantly I need to let them feel that joy and the love and hope that is in my heart. I will be a better person and a better parent.

Ok, I hope this didn't come across as too Pollyannaish, I have no misconceptions about the difficulties on the road ahead, but I have tank full of hope and a pretty good idea where I am going. ...now where is that on ramp?

An indulgence, spare me a thought this weekend and if inclined say a prayer for my family.

Hugs,

April

Greetings From No Man's Land

Clever first post title no?

This first post does not represent the start of my journey, that has been on going for about two years when I first came out to my SO. I came out as a cross dresser after experiencing a terrible bout of depression and thoughts of suicide.

When I told her she asked me, “do you want to be a woman”, No I emphatically replied, I am not one of those people. After the words left my mouth I knew I had lied, I had no intention of deceiving her but I still could not admit what I truly desired to even myself.

Within less than six months I knew I wanted to transition. I had started going out dressed with supportive friends. I hated to change back to my male self. I would stay out late as I dared I would wear nightgowns every time I could. Appointments were made to see a gender clinic and plans to attend SCC in Atlanta were made. All the male underwear disappeared from my draw. Female clothes started to take over my side of the closet. After a while and despite my weak denials to the contrary she stated, “if you didn't have to go to work you would be April all the time!” Yes I admitted. Finally the truth was out and I could admit it to her and myself, I wanted to become a woman, the woman I ALWAYS wanted to be, the woman I should have been from the beginning.

I will transition.

It has taken a long time but I was able to find a supportive doctor and am now on hormones. I am seeing a therapist to help with depression and all the emotions surrounding transition.

My mother knows, my brother knows, one of my wife’s best friends is in on the secret. But nothing has really changed yet. I am still a middle aged man for all intents and purposes. I look a little thinner, my hair is a little longer and I won't wear tight t-shirts anymore but I still work at the same company, still enjoy my male hobbies. To the outside world we are a model nuclear family with slightly over the 2.5 children. But the man I was is disappearing; he continues to fight back but to no avail. I am in No Man’s Land.

The relationship with my spouse has changed, we are still together but more like girlfriend/co-parents/an amicably divorced pair still living together? I am eternally grateful to her as she has been supportive despite her personal world being turned upside down. I don’t know if I would be so forgiving or understanding if the shoe was on the other foot. She sees me being Trans as not a selfish life style choice but the I was from birth, something I cannot help. She truly does want me to be happy.

At some point in the transition process separation will be inevitable. As much as I would be more than happy to remain together she would rather have a man and a husband than a best friend. She has not tried to 'fix" me so I cannot possibly try and convince her a Sapphic relationship would be best for us. Still it takes some time to get used to the idea that one day we will not be a couple, we have only been together forever and have never been with anyone else. When that day comes it will be a sad one.

It is not all doom and gloom she still manages to tease me about both of us looking for the same kind of man in her next and my first husband. That I had better keep practicing my cooking so that I will make a good wife. Or perhaps you and “so and so” would make a good couple.

No Man's Land is also meant to symbolize a kind of empty space between the two genders, things could go either way with only a slight push and nothing is written in stone. The next big step is coming up telling the children and in turn my wife’s parents and immediate family. From there, there will be no turning back.

I am ready to leave No Man's Land and start on the road to womanhood with my foot to the floor...lets hope the road is actually a freeway.

Hugs,

April

PS. Like the header illustration, it is from the 1960 Cadillac brochure. I love her expression.