No I don’t mean being Trans, I am at peace with who I am and what I have to do to be myself.
By wrong I mean why am I not doing the things I need to do to make my female dreams a reality.
First and foremost I need a new job as I cannot transition where I am. True I am very busy in my current position, family responsibilities and cars but I have not made the time to search out that new job.
Am I afraid no one will want me?
Afraid I will end up in another job I cannot transition in and therefore right back to where I started?
Am I using my current position as a security blanket? The familiar status quo where I feel safe and more importantly “HE” feels safe. If “HE” keeps working there April will have to remain in the shadows and “HE” remains in control.
I need to finish the restoration on one of my collector cars, its sale would help pay for FSS and SRS. Am I afraid to finish and then sell as the car defines who I am as a man?
Putting off its completion as it helps him keep April in no man’s land.
Afraid that a new job and the funds for surgery will mean the end of my comfortable suburban family life and my safe and unquestioned existence as a man.
Wow, that is enough questions for now.
Hugs,
April
By wrong I mean why am I not doing the things I need to do to make my female dreams a reality.
First and foremost I need a new job as I cannot transition where I am. True I am very busy in my current position, family responsibilities and cars but I have not made the time to search out that new job.
Am I afraid no one will want me?
Afraid I will end up in another job I cannot transition in and therefore right back to where I started?
Am I using my current position as a security blanket? The familiar status quo where I feel safe and more importantly “HE” feels safe. If “HE” keeps working there April will have to remain in the shadows and “HE” remains in control.
I need to finish the restoration on one of my collector cars, its sale would help pay for FSS and SRS. Am I afraid to finish and then sell as the car defines who I am as a man?
Putting off its completion as it helps him keep April in no man’s land.
Afraid that a new job and the funds for surgery will mean the end of my comfortable suburban family life and my safe and unquestioned existence as a man.
Wow, that is enough questions for now.
Hugs,
April
Ya, what are you worried about? You should be like me, carefree and :O whaaat??
ReplyDeleteFear has kept you alive and well for a long time. Just because you are getting those ducks in a row, do not imagine that your capacity for reason and doubt will suddenly go away.
Think everything through, and like any good overhaul, plan and check it three times so you can run the procedure once, when you are ready.
Nobody is going to think less of you.
Hugs
I know exactly how you feel, April. I mean, we came out and admitted to ourselves that we were trans, right? That was fearless enough for one lifetime. But then we have to start thinking about actually disrupting a life we have carefully built for ourselves and rebuild it from scratch to some extent? I know it freaks me out a lot. I want it very much, but the idea of name changing and career changing and, well, gender changing...it overwhelms me. But I've already done so much and traveled so far down this road. I know it's slow going, but I'll get there eventually. Don't beat yourself up for not being there now. It will come in its time.
ReplyDeletexoxo Gin
Great blog, April. I have been wondering the same thing a lot lately. As I work from home, trying to complete a project to sell, but I procrastinate and let myself get unfocused quite frequently. I think we all do this, probably more so as we get older as the stakes are higher. I wrote a somewhat similar thought towards the end of a blog I wrote last week: http://imjustagirlithink.blogspot.com/2010_09_01_archive.html. (Sorry for the self-serving plug, but self-sabotage is something I am trying to work through on my own. No $$ for therapy yet, as I'm using it for E*).
ReplyDeleteBack to your blog, Halle and Gin have it right. Planning and going it slow are the best ways for handling all this. Plus, we are "earning" our womanhood, not taking it for granted like I see a lot of women do sometimes. Being a man, forget it. Being a woman, oh we can hope, dream, and slowly make it our happy new reality if that is what we wish. : )
Best,
Karin
BTW, where did you find that really cool artwork for your banner?
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for your comments, Karin the banner image is from the 1960 Cadillac brochure. I love her expression so cooly elegant and patrician...just like the car.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
April