Tears and Frozen Toes

Another blur of a weekend. And up early this morning to have the Electra flat bedded to the garage for her safety check.

So cold waiting for CAA to show up I didn't think my poor toes would ever be warm again.

We had my friend and therapist Bill over for dinner on Saturday night. Didn't make him talk shop but by the end of the evening that is what happened. Turned into a couples session before we knew it.

"J" had a lot to say and though it was not hurtful or mean spirited, it was hard to hear. I am very glad she could expresses her self to me, she so often holds in her emotions in check to protect everyone else's feelings. She is supportive and understands why I need to transition but of course is upset too. It is hard to realize that she is loosing a husband and perhaps never had one to begin with.

There were a lot of tears from the both of us but I feel our relationship is stronger for it. I am still somewhat emotionally and physically exhausted as she no doubt is too.

The intense preoccupation with career matters and old cars temporarily banished the severity of my GID, whenever this happens the seeds of doubt plant themselves in my mind. I become afraid I cannot do this and that sometimes a little voice (like the cartoon devil on ones shoulder) says you don't have to transition, if you were only stronger, if you were a better person, you could fight this.

I KNOW that these doubts are WRONG, those who know me, realize these thoughts are wrong and self destructive. On Saturday night "J" and Bill helped me rediscover my confidence.

On Sunday I was able to take my renewed confidence and go out for a quick coffee with Marissa. I walked with my head up and looked people in the eye. Jeans, purple to and very little makeup. I am in that sweet spot between laser sessions where all the dead hairs come out and no shadow! I felt so great, so like my self that I didn't want to go to bed when I got home, the inner and outer were in harmony. To look in the mirror and to see who you want to be was exhilarating. I never wanted to stop being the woman I am inside.

I was uncomfortable with the word woman before, it seem loaded with so much hidden meaning, a title that no matter what surgery I had I could never lay claim to. Something has changed I think it is who I am, who I will be.

I feel like I am at the helm of an old sailing ship, there is a storm on the horizon, time to tackle it head on.

Hugs,

April

I have not listened to my old Shakin' Stevens albums for ages, found this one I have never heard before, think I like even more that Ricky's: