I would not say that I have conquered my depression, rather with support from my family, some progress on my journey and therapy I have fought it to a cold war standstill.
Unfortunately little things can still set me off and the black dogs slip their chains.
Sunday was an extended family gathering, over lunch the topic of the Thai airline that recruited and hired transsexual flight attendants came up. What we see as a small but welcome sign of acceptance in the wider world
was greeted with skepticism, ridicule and confusion.
I find it hard to describe how hurt and angry I felt. I wanted to deliver a stern lecture regarding the difference between transvestite and transsexual. I wanted to make a case for equal rights and tell them about the often life or death struggle anyone trans must go through.
Of course I instead stayed silent, a well intentioned defence would only raise questions I was not yet prepared to answer. Like a tropical storm front my face clouded over and I lapsed into silence for the rest of the gathering. I caught that knowing look from "J", the one that says I know but shake it off and put on a brave face. Unlike her I am terrible at hiding my emotions….a womanly trait I have yet to master?
I guess what hurt was that this person/people will know all about me soon enough, perhaps before the year is out. I don't want to be the punch line in anyone's joke. I should be more charitable and put it all down as an idle comment born of ignorance and instead look forward to ambassadorial role to come.
On the plus side I got to walk my daughter to school this morning and played a spirited game of tag before the bell rang.
Hugs,
April
"I should be more charitable and put it all down as an idle comment born of ignorance and instead look forward to ambassadorial role to come."
ReplyDeleteYou are right with that one sister! I've had similar experiences in the past and recently. I react as you reacted. But if I can, I try to insert a note of understanding and respect for the "T" or "Ts" involved - within reason.
We are not turning our backs on anyone, but we can't turn our and our families' lives upside down at each headline or joke. Our pronouncements, examples, conquerings and thrivings will be our "comeback" and likely the changing of minds.
Win the War, Not Every Battle. I think someeone said that late at night at a recording session at Sun Studios in Memphis. Probably Johnny Cash, but I'd like to think Elvis did.
I admire and respect the way you are moving forward and taking charge of your life. Making the recent decisions you have made had to be incredibly gut-wrenching. I know I would lose lots of sleep over them. Hope "J" will be strapping on her seat belt, putting on her helmet and winning the Las Vegas Grand Prix with you. : )
How is writing coming along?
Best,
Karin
Perhaps this occasion can be used to a positive benefit on the day when you do reveal all and play that ambassadorial role. Letting people know how I feel and have felt and asking for their empathy will certainly be a large part of my discussion with loved ones when that time comes.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, it hurts so much; it feels like lying to remain quiet. I am happy to hear you take pleasure in other moments to help ground you.
Halle
xox
Reading your blog inspired me to write on my own blog for the first time in a long time. Thank you!
ReplyDelete- Karin ("I'm Just A Girl (I Think)" blog) or www.imjustagirlithink.blogspot.com
At points like this I rely on my huge and bristly scruffy bloke exterior as I inject a note of reasoned defence into the debate. Stealth doesn't get any stealthier.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone!
ReplyDeleteKarin double plus super bonus points for referencing Elvis and Sun Records!!! You are clearly a woman of great taste and culture.
Good advice too Halle.
Like Jenny my guy appearance and reputation as a right wing multi vehicle owning gear head should keep me free from scrutiny.
Hugs,
April