I feel more than a little churlish bitching about my life when there are such bigger problems in the world. My mother is dealing with her mothers passing, "J's" father is not well (we had a scare yesterday) and my brother is in Tokyo sharing an island with a score of unstable nuclear reactors.
I found myself becoming very depressed this week over more than personal loss, the damn dysphoria picked just the wrong time to stage a come back. For the last couple of weeks I have felt myself on a knife edge teetering between hope and despair.
Shopping with "J" and the girls at Winners seemed to bring it on full force. Although I had time to look around myself I was in despised male mode and not comfortable browsing. In fact I found myself becoming more and more depressed, the proximity of the feminine world and my inability to fully join it added to my misery. Sometimes I want to weep with frustration...
It has been some time since I have been shopping in either boy or girl mode and I felt rusty.
Funny enough I am sure I spotted one of my own at the store, she looked great and even I was unsure but height (sigh) and the fact she was wearing a skirt and heels was the tell when all the GG's in the store were in jeans or pants of some sort. Actually I am here to praise her as I am sure she passed 100% with everyone else.
I was planning to get out for a quick coffee with a friend as April but the shopping trip went too long for me to get ready on time. As a result I had to cancel at the last minute. That did it, I was officially down for the count. My heart was not in it, I wanted to wallow in my own misery.
Once the black dog gets its teeth in you all one's other worries come out to play, can I pass, will I ever pass, perhaps I should just give up. It is all an impossible dream. Do yourself a favour and just be the guy you were physically born as.
No I am not out into the light again but nothing is achieved without hard work and planning. Time to make some things happen, even if they are baby steps.
Time to remember to stop whining and start singing. Nobody but me can make it happen...
Great "garage" version of the Human Beinz, Nobody But Me by the Norwegian girl group The Launderettes:
Oh but we hate ourselves even more when "the whinies" get their claws in deep. You need to remember that you are likely more sensitive than ever to the sort of events that are your family life these last days, and in male mode you are not able to express your feelings normally.
ReplyDeleteNo matter how much you wish, I seriously doubt you can "just be the guy you were physically born as."
Cut yourself some slack and don't feel bad for sharing, because we understand what so many around you will not.
Hugs,
Halle
I am feeling down at the moment also, so I can understand your your feelings. I hope that I can cheer you up by telling you that if you look anything like your photo in real life then you look 100% totally and utterly female with no hint of anything but that.
ReplyDeleteLouise
Unless you are a photoshop wizz then I am +1 on Louise's comments. You look totally great !
ReplyDeleteAs for the lows - feel for you there and hope that you can lift yourself out of the gloom.
Like you I try little steps to ward of the black dog - I just hope that my little steps don't end up turning into big steps !
Chin up
Becca
Ditto on Becca's comment.. You look great in the photo. Hang in there and know that we all get down on ourselves at times.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the lovely comments, working on a more positive outlook!
ReplyDeleteHugs,
April