Ah the $64,000 dollar question. I should be happy I told my boss and I still have my job, there is technically nothing stopping me going full time tomorrow.
Except I promised "J" that I would wait till school is finished in five weeks or so. Not that I am planning to transition that soon anyway, September seems to be a more fortuitous month.
I was asked the question that is the title of this post earlier this evening by my wife. She is right my happiness at the great news has been muted, I have been quick to anger, overly emotional and perhaps a little depressed.
Nevertheless I have experienced a great deal of relief and have the energy to begin planning for my future again. But not happy.
It is fear I believe, fear that the road ahead will be even more difficult than the gruelling emotional journey that got me to this point.
Fear that doubt may be returning, I owe it to myself and others to be sure of my motivation. I hesitate to express these thoughts as I do not wish to be considered wanting. "see I told you "he" was not really transsexual". I want this blog to be as honest as I try to be with myself.
Do I have second thoughts, no I cannot go back to the way things were. I cannot live a managed male existence. I could try and maybe even succeed for a short while but there lies madness and self destruction.
Rather it is fear of future emotional, personal and financial pain that has dulled my joy.
It is the fear of a loss of anonymity. As a cis gendered male I wore a virtual invisibility cloak, I could pass through the sea of society without being noticed.
As a trans woman that anonymity vanishes and I put my true self on display for the world to see. There is no where to hide.
Up until recently when out as April I wore a wig, I looked nothing like my male self. I could have walked right by a friend or neighbour and they would be hard pressed to recognize me.
My natural hair is longer (not long enough yet) and I am once again self conscious about going out. I can no longer hide behind that disguise. I am forced to share myself with the world. Now that is scary.
Hugs,
April
Good for you for being honest about your feelings here. Having said that, you can tell us anything you like April, because it is your blog. You are right, of course, your life is too important to be half-hearted about transition. You would be truly crazy not to take it seriously enough to feel doubt now and then.
ReplyDeleteLetting others around you know what is going on, and that you are dealing with it in the best way that you and experts know does not imply that you must follow some predictable agenda for their sake.
In short, do this your way and do not apologize ever for being yourself.
All the best,
Halle
I don't think you are alone with the feelings you voice. I for one hate standing out from the crowd and it's always a struggle. Voicing and analysing your feelings before making each step seems more than sensible - only fools rush in.
ReplyDeleteAs for how you look without your wig - I see nothing but a lady.
That's such a great song! I haven't heard it for a while.
ReplyDeleteAs a transman, I know just how you feel. It's tough going from being invisible to being on show to the whole world.