But mostly down….I apologize have been awol , I have not had the heart to post anything for a while. I have at least a half dozen aborted blog posts on my phone or in my handy dandy note book.
Where have I been , in Toronto at two different voice clinics getting cameras shoved up my nose and down my throat. The first I went too as April, still not happy with my hair but hiding behind a big pair of sunglasses I braved the big city and the crowds at the TIFF film festival never garnering any untoward glances as far as I could tell.
Next trip was as him as I had a two meetings to attend after but were then cancelled.
Job is still unstable and I have had to face the probability that it will not be there much longer if the company cannot afford to keep me. Great timing right?
All my fears were coming to pass, just transitioned and fresh out of work and frakkin unemployable. I felt sick with fear. I fell into serious depression and thoughts of suicide capered obscenely inside my head.
The ever present loss of employment (lived with for ten years) caused a major mental crisis. I have like many (men especially) derived 99.9% of my identity and self worth by what I do. I am the VP of Marketing. I hate to fail at anything, I caught myself saying that I would rather die than fail...
Changing genders/sex is one thing, but loosing what I thought made me, me was like having my very identity stripped from me and incredibly painful. Once again I have to give credit to "J" who has managed to keep her head on while others loose theirs.
I think I have passed through they eye of the hurricane for now and have managed to start to distance myself/ego/id from what I do to earn a living. I will also be asking my doctor for help, I have resisted for so long despite the pleas of family and friends. I should be thankful that it is hard to own a hand gun in Canada.
Today is cool but sunny and a little of my old confidence has returned, still a long way to go but time to take that first step.
April
Rock out with The Chesterfield Kings:
Hi April,
ReplyDeleteYou already know what my thoughts are, so I will just reinforce them with 'Praise the Lord' for he is so gracious. He can do anything and so can you.
Hugs and prayers always,
Cynthia
Sending positive vibes to you April. Chin up, I hope things improve soon.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you can take strength from the fact that you are not alone. We are living all round the globe sharing the same fears and hopes as you and as my friend Caroline keeps telling me, once we start living full-time this difficult period will be a distant memory if remembered at all.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you posted again, April, and that you're feeling better. I've been worried. Also glad you're talking to a professional. I can tell you it was - is - an enormous help for me. As the saying goes, it WILL get better, so stay positive.
ReplyDeleteGood vibes are en route; hope they help!
Hugs,
Kelly