I seem to be crying all the time, everything sets me off, a sad song or story in the newspaper. I know the hormones make one more emotional but really!
I am so stressed by the thought of going full time, I am so scared That I will be a fool a freak. Work my family cars etc it all seems too much sometimes.
Work and Depression:
Worries about work especially have me depressed, I do not want to have just gone full time and a few weeks later not have a job. I am trying so hard but progress is slow. A deal I had been working on did not go the way I wanted it to and I was literally on the floor in a fetal position.
Thank God "J" was able to talk be out of it, after work she suggested we all go the movies and out to dinner, it made a world of difference. She has shown incredible patience.
"J"'s car, the family truckster, we depend upon so much to shepherd the children around suffered a minor setback, worried it was fatal I lapsed back into depression.
I got out yesterday evening with friends, Genni and Natasha. The opportunity to be me made a huge difference. I think I even smiled.
Long Time Gone:
I should be so happy (and part of me is, part of me wants to sing) but part is in mourning for the loss of titles; husband, father, son, brother…the old me on my death bed. It is if I am attending my own funeral.
No black marble pyramid, eternal flame or Cadillacs sixteen coaches long….sorry an in joke.
These are NOT doubts, I know in my heart and mind what I want to do, what I must do. Today I am feeling OK but on Friday I had tears in my eyes. I am sure there will be more up and downs as the clock counts down. I should not complain, it is not cancer, it is not a death sentence, it is only going full time, not even surgery.
Still I am so scared...
Here is the Dave Alvin song I heard that drove me to tears, you have been warned:
The road is long and hard but so is just life. You hang in there and it will all get better. Thanks for sharing your life with us.
ReplyDeleteHi April,
ReplyDeleteJust sent oodles of good vibes up your way, exchange rates be damned. :c) Hope they help!
That Dave Alvin song is absolutely wonderful. He is an incredibly gifted songwriter. His new album is stellar, in case you haven't heard it yet. His brother Phil makes a memorable appearance. :c)
Hang in there - you're doing great!
Hugs,
Kelly
I find it really scary hearing you talk of how freaked you are about going full time. I am nowhere near the convincing girl you are so I wonder what sort of state I will be in as I near the point of going full time. Also, here in the UK we do not even get the benefits of hormones; we need to live three months RLE before hormones are prescribed; just how scary is that?
ReplyDelete