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| After all, tomorrow is another day. |
Wow a second post within only two days… let me check if hell
has frozen over.
My previously discussed problems has driven me back kicking and
screaming to therapy. Despite the cost it is well worth it, I am
broken and need to be fixed. I want to use some a car analogy here.
If I am the car, to continue to drive without repair would only damage
the vehicle to the point of complete mechanical failure.
My therapist recommended that journal my thoughts about the
session….well this blog is my journal. The idea of writing something
for private consumption seems pointless. So thanks for reading, dear
constant readers.
Lets me see what I can remember,
First of all I am still grieving the loss of not just the recent still
born relationship but also my prior relationship with my ex and for my
old life, however flawed it was. Grieving is the right word I am
heartbroken, sad and angry all at the same time. Still working to
reach the acceptance stage.
The real takeaway from the session was that I couldn’t love anyone
fully until I could love myself. In my marriage I could not give
myself fully as I could not love as a woman and kept the best part of
me buried.
Even with transition I could not give myself over to love as I hated
myself. I despised my weaknesses and could not forgive my perceived
career failures. I was consumed by feelings of shame and guilt over
being transsexual.
I believed that the loss of this relationship meant that no one would
ever love me.
My previously discussed problems has driven me back kicking and
screaming to therapy. Despite the cost it is well worth it, I am
broken and need to be fixed. I want to use some a car analogy here.
If I am the car, to continue to drive without repair would only damage
the vehicle to the point of complete mechanical failure.
My therapist recommended that journal my thoughts about the
session….well this blog is my journal. The idea of writing something
for private consumption seems pointless. So thanks for reading, dear
constant readers.
Lets me see what I can remember,
First of all I am still grieving the loss of not just the recent still
born relationship but also my prior relationship with my ex and for my
old life, however flawed it was. Grieving is the right word I am
heartbroken, sad and angry all at the same time. Still working to
reach the acceptance stage.
The real takeaway from the session was that I couldn’t love anyone
fully until I could love myself. In my marriage I could not give
myself fully as I could not love as a woman and kept the best part of
me buried.
Even with transition I could not give myself over to love as I hated
myself. I despised my weaknesses and could not forgive my perceived
career failures. I was consumed by feelings of shame and guilt over
being transsexual.
I believed that the loss of this relationship meant that no one would
ever love me.
I believed I was not worthy of anyone loving me.
I feared I was expendable and I would loose the little security
I had regained in my life.
I was scared and powerless.
No wonder that the recent emotional turmoil combined with other
stresses in my life drove me to the brink of madness and suicide. I’m
not frakkin’ exaggerating with you people….it was touch and go.
I understand intellectually that I deserve love and that I am a good
person but feeling that in my heart is a struggle and will take some
work to achieve. As my BFF Cass said, a lifetime of self-loathing
takes time to overcome.
This is a first step.No wonder that the recent emotional turmoil combined with other
stresses in my life drove me to the brink of madness and suicide. I’m
not frakkin’ exaggerating with you people….it was touch and go.
I understand intellectually that I deserve love and that I am a good
person but feeling that in my heart is a struggle and will take some
work to achieve. As my BFF Cass said, a lifetime of self-loathing
takes time to overcome.
Nothing profound in my musical choice just the Beach Boys pounding out Dance Dance Dance
.....they look like they are really having fun....joyous
Good for you for investing in yourself, girl!!! There is no better investment. Stick with it; the rewards are so, so going to be worth it. I guarantee it. :c) And keep writing!!!
ReplyDeleteThe Beach Boys can cure what ails ya, can't they? I love Pet Sounds, Smile, and their underrated post-Brian albums, but I turn to their early records when I want to feel happy.
I wanted to link to a great song that I think I shared with you privately, but it's worth posting again. It's written by Chris Smither, a wonderful singer/songwriter (and amazing guitarist) based here in Massachusetts. (He wrote "Love You Like A Man," which Bonnie Raitt has covered as "Love Me Like A Man.")
He's a New Orleans native, and wrote this remarkable song called "No Love Today." It was inspired by childhood memories of a fruit/vegetable vendor in his neighborhood, but it's really about self-acceptance and forgiveness. (Be sure to listen to the intro - it's wonderful!):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mm4owjFJi2Y
This gives me goosebumps every time I listen to it. So much wisdom in this song. I'm awed that a childhood memory could inspire something so profound and moving. Guess that's what great artists do though...
Hugs,
Cass
Thank you April for sharing this. I always follow and enjoy reading your blogs.
ReplyDeleteYou have a great way of crystallising things that I have struggled to pin down myself and to put into words. This blog is really humbling in its total honesty and transparency. There is a real temptation when written to ‘protect’ the image people have of you through, for example, humour. You have resisted that and its really helpful - thank you.
Without wishing to hijack your issues, I guess the one that sprung out for me what that idea of being consumed by feelings of shame and guilt over being transsexual. This really resonated with me. Even in my best moments of being out and about, I hide and try to cover up what I am. Even if no-one else is judging me, I perceive that that are. I also decide what their verdict is and the sentence they have passed. This is before they have looked at me for two seconds! The shame that people would think worse of me for what I am is mostly overwhelming. It stops me moving forward to be honest most of the time.
I think I need to go back to counselling too… x