In the interests of quantity over quality I will address each topic separately over the next few posts or not depending on whether something far more interesting happens in my life.
In the last few weeks I have had the strangest feeling, I forgot that I am transsexual (was transsexual), that I used to be a guy (ugh shudder....I think I threw up a little in my mouth).
I am lucky that I pass, don't use the term "won the genetic lottery" if I really did I would have born female. Don't think for a minute I take this ability for granted.
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| the fifth Ramone....Bettie Ramone |
That voice has not been completely quiet but I have realized in my day to day interaction with co-workers, friends and potential romantic partners I have forgotten that I used to be a guy, I am April, the woman they perceive me to be.
Plans are made to get together for brunch with just the girls, a date is going well and I happily imagine a potential future together...as if I was always female.
Of course this self realization comes at a price, as soon as I realize that I am seeing myself as who I am now and not who I was, reality comes crashing back around my ears.
I fear that the friends I have made would shun me, co-workers would whisper behind my back, I would no longer be April in their eyes. Even worse are relationships. Would they be horrified and feel lied to or cheated.
Make no mistake there are amazing people out there both cis men and women who are accepting and can look beyond a person's transsexual history.
I am stealth but I have too much history to hide my past forever from a potential partner. In addition I know that I could not have a meaningful long term relationship without the other person knowing everything there is about me.
Not dwelling on ones transsexual past and getting on with living ones life is a great thing, however I still feel the weight of my history. Perhaps as I move forward that burden will become lighter.
Hugs,
April
I don't care about history.....
Hi Bettie,
ReplyDeleteYou're right, it is always there, the history. And the closer you are to the time of transition, the heavier is the burden.
I've lived 2/3 of my life as Alice. The memories are still there, but they become less and less burdensome as time passes.
As I've made relationships with people, co-workers, friends, neighbors, spouse, and reconnected with my family. It's all been on the basis of me being me.
It seems that you are close to that point yourself. You are accepted as yourself. Everyone who meets you knows you are April, just one of the girls.
Relationships get tricky. But I suspect that you will not have a problem. There's someone out there who will love you for who you are, and the rest is just noise.
Thanks for "Rock and Roll High School". Me too, "I don't know much about History"
https://youtu.be/xE6UrZMb71o
-alice
I wondered how you might be getting on! Nice to hear from you agson. I do get what you say, even though I don't have work and romantic environments myself.
ReplyDeleteLucy
I wondered how you might be getting on! Nice to hear from you agson. I do get what you say, even though I don't have work and romantic environments myself.
ReplyDeleteLucy
It's a wonderful place to be, once arrived. Time is our friend, on many levels. Confidence and being comfortable in our skin is the freedom we need to flow gracefully through our daily lives, whether or not people peg us as different. People are kind, more so than we give them credit for.
ReplyDeleteRomantic interludes are fun, but as hard as we've worked to arrive where we are, potential partners must also 'step up' emotionally, history or not. Times are changing with more of us being out and visible, and will be a game changer for men and women in the dating department.
I wish you luck! Continue to THRIVE! <3
What a wonderful position to have found - embrace it. You are you and always have been. That you presents as female - there's no problem - you feel yourself to be the woman you present and are. Just being comfortable in your skin. Sure we all have history but it does not have to encroach on the here and now let alone the future. It is the past. Just being you, I so love it. Love Linda
ReplyDelete