Where Did My Weekend Go?

So busy on the weekend, cleaning, shopping, cooking (chocolate chip pancakes…yes I wore an apron), the children’s activities and sports, visiting family.

Don’t worry car stuff too, more disassembly of the Toronado’s sun roof mechanism. Results in a nut shell, leak is not the result of something broken or rusted but rather a design flaw. I am hoping that a new seal will cut down on any water getting past drain troughs. No time to install new carb on the Mark IV.

Sorting out Halloween costumes for the children, so far one Vampire and one princess and the oldest cannot decide between a black cat and Bellatrix from Harry Potter.

The weather is turning cold, walked the girls to school this morning and it was chilly. Sure in a few months these few degress above freezing will feel like a tropical heat wave. Sometimes I wonder why anyone lives above the 49th parallel. I give you all permission to go back to wearing pantyhose.

Planned to go out Sunday evening.....quickly selected an outfit did my nails and got ready. Had epilated the night before. Last minute cancellation meant I was all dressed up and no where to go. To late for the mall and would not even dream about going to a bar alone. Gave up went home and watched Mad Men with my, oh so patient wife and had tea and brownies.

I liked my makeup and outfit (black dress pants, silver top and a white sweater with a fur collar) but it just didn't come across in photos. Perhaps my coloring requires a darker choice of clothes? Also still getting some shadow, lots of hair gone with the laser sessions but dormant ones coming through, looking forward to getting rid of all of them!!!!

Didn't like any of my photos I just didn't feel feminine enough last night, was it the outfit or just the rush to get ready and then being disappointed. Makeup was ok and clothes nice but something was missing, especially compared to last week…. sometimes it is just how you feel.

My oldest daughter was very sweet this morning asking if she could help me pick out an outfit next week. That made up for a lot.

Hugs,

April

Impatience

I know that more time on hormones and more experience being out as a woman would be a good thing but I cannot help wanting to go full time NOW!

I would have gladly spoken with HR if I worked in a larger company that had a policy regarding such matters. Unfortunately I work in a predominantly male environment that if I were to come out as transgendered would mean the end of my career.

I need to change jobs, which still means time proving myself to my new employer before even thinking of transitioning on the job. Got to make myself invaluable first! More delays…

The façade is starting to crumble, if I don’t set myself even little transition goals or have some girl time to look forward to depression rushes in to fill the void.

Last night it reared its ugly head and I gladly let it wrap me in its suffocating blanket of self pity and hopelessness. Better this morning but still down and gender dysphoria was getting up to speed.

Morning commute, I glance over to the car on my right a blond is quickly fixing her make up in the rear view mirror, my heart catches and I am overwhelmed with envy and longing but not the kind she thinks when our eyes meet.

Felt a panic attack coming on the way to work but held it together and dried the tears by the time I pulled into the parking lot.

Just have to tell myself this is temporary…it does get better…

http://www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject

Hugs,

April

Halloween & Brains

Fun stuff first, Halloween approaches, the cross dressers high holiday. Remarkably I never took advantage of this one occasion in western civilization where dressing as a woman is “acceptable”. Of course I was too worried that I would give away my secret.

Also I usually found myself travelling on Halloween and had no desire to pass through customs dressed as a French maid. This year is different I will be home to hand out candy or take the children trick or treating.

Perhaps this year a costume, nothing too outré… witch, Vampyra, Corpse Bride, Morticia Addams, or even a princess. Nothing showing too much leg, Bettie Page would be so cool but I wouldn’t want the neighbors to get the wrong idea….yet!

A post in two parts as I didn’t want to just talk about being down.

The big city meeting yesterday went well and it looks like our company will retain the client and continue to make money, not as much as this year but still pretty damn good for the industry and economy.

I have a love hate relationship with the city, I envy the excitement and crave the corner office but am repulsed by the disparity between the have and have nots. Such a suburbanite.

It is frustrating sometimes to work so hard at your job but then still have to SELL yourself and the product, sigh I have no problem with unfettered capitalism but sometimes I just want to go to work do my job and then go home.

Some opportunity for a transition job but it is very dependent on other people making things happen. Potential conflict of interest does not allow me to participate and that is maddening. Especially as I am the woman to make it all happen.

Yesterday had me so keyed up the inevitable physical and mental crash followed. Low level bickering my SO (really SO is unfair a term, so gender neutral. She is my wife however I don’t wish to acknowledge my male role as husband, granted a role that I have abdicated some time back).

Any disagreement with my biggest supporter is a quick off ramp to a depressive episode. Slept most of last evening instead of working on computer or cars. This morning found me weepy and full of gender dysphoria, short of temper and generally pissed at the world.

Listened to an interesting interview on the radio as I tried to bend the laws of space and time on my morning commute. Basically recent discoveries show that the brain is constantly evolving itself (neuroplasticity) and as such offers the possibility for all sorts of mental health cures. An example would be training the brain to correct the “mental misfire” that causes obsessive compulsive disorder. Perhaps depression can be equally switched off….I am trying.

http://www.cbc.ca/documentaries/natureofthings/

Hugs,

April

PS. Top photo is Vampyra (of Ed Wood fame), then the original Morticia, Carolyn Jones, she also played the bad girl in King Creole with Elvis and finally a safe for work picture of the beautiful Bettie Page.

Drab or Male Drag

Meeting in the city today, so this has to be a quickie. The city means a suit and tie. My job is usually casual dress but I used to work for a multinational and wore a suit everyday. I actually liked that, a suit being the closest men can come to any sartorial elegance.

I put on the dark blue pinstripe, crisp white shirt and blue and gold tie and stared at myself in the mirror. A somewhat unfamiliar person looked back, my longer hair was at odds with how I usually appeared when formally dressed, the suit did not seem to hang as well, I have lost weight.

There was also something about the eyes and the face, the woman inside was starting to shine through after five or so months on hormones. Wishful thinking, perhaps but I am sure I could perceive some subtle changes.

Male drag? I hope no one reads me?

Hugs,

April

CLICK

Things have begun to click into place, early on in this blog I wrote about a new feeling of confidence in my female self. I indentified this confidence as an important milestone in my transition.

The new confidence has allowed me to tell more people about the real me and most importantly to finally tell my father.

Just like that another mental piece of the puzzle has clicked into place. The new cog in the machine is the realization that I am really going to do it. The realization that in the not too distant future I will live full time as a woman that I will have surgery, that the way I experience the world and how people see me will change forever.

I have brief glimpses of that future once a week when I can get out for a precious few hours. Womanhood as seen through a scanner darkly, yes I am scared. I am afraid I don’t have the mental strength, the force of will to achieve my goals. I am afraid I will destroy what I value most in my current life.

But I keep moving forward; one foot after another…it is all we can do.

Transition is no longer a matter of if but of when. A lifetime’s unspoken desire realized, I can’t wait. I am excited, I tell myself that I can’t believe I am actually doing it and happiness courses through my body.

Hugs,

April

Baby You Can Drive My Car

Greetings, thanks for coming back, sorry I missed Friday I had a post all a ready to go but just ran out of time!

Friday was a big day, I was to see my therapist presenting as April 100%. Obviously I could not leave work dressed, well I could but it would have been my last day!

The session went well but I don’t think I was feeling completely myself (April that is) He kept intruding. I think I was nervous being seen by my therapist as April for the first time and as I just left work I was having trouble shaking off all my job worries and concerns.

Later I was able to go for coffee with a friend (still as April of course). I had the privilege of being a passenger in my own car. I let my male friend drive and open my door for me. I could get used to that, so happy I could purr, stretched out in the leather seat, heels and short skirt.

Pleased with my confidence as I was able to relax in a busy coffee shop, SO asked an interesting question, was I more at ease because I was with a man? Hmmm

Drove home in the Mark IV with the Black Angels on the stereo feeling like a pretty cool chick, no raising the power windows when pulling up to another car at the stoplight tonight. I did chicken out a bit on the way home. I had to desperately use the washroom; I drove into a Tim Horton’s but a plethora of teenagers made me change my mind. Instead I found a gas station/convenience store, don’t think the attendant clocked me. I gave him a nice smile and a thank you as I left.

I didn’t think I could get out on the weekend but my SO got home early and I was able to get ready at the last minute and make it too an LGBT dance at a local pub. I had a cute LBD I had been dying to wear. I did my nails bright red and wore my “Black Candy” heels. Even better I was able to meet my girlfriends, Natasha and Ashley there, it is unfortunately a rare occasion when all three of us can synch our schedules.

The place was really hopping (had to line up to get in!) and as we were the only Trans girls there we were the source of some attention and interest. I was totally self conscious at first but I eventually made it to the dance floor for some seriously retro disco tunes. Too bad I missed them playing the Ramones. Closed the place down leaving around 2:30 AM.

Sunday spent most of the day as April, cleaning, helping with school projects and making dinner.

Reluctantly remove my nail polish this morning in preparation for another work week. I am so looking forward to the day when a little red nail polish won’t be an issue…

Hugs,

April

PS. Here is what I have been listening to all weekend, Bloodhounds on My Trail by the Black Angels. Cooly hypnotic.

Jebus...That Thing is Long

No not what you think!

I took the children to school this morning. As I was backing out of the parking lot in my lowered 76 Lincoln Mark IV. One of the moms not realizing I had the windows down uttered the above quote and I just knew I had to use it for the title of today’s post.

I am not sure if her exclamation was spoken in amazement, horror or admiration. So what does this have to do with being Trans….not much actually. However, I often take the children to school and it is hard not to succumb to dysphoria as I admire all the moms, whether dressed for the office in skirts and heels or just casual jeans and a t shirt.

Still presenting as male I am effectively segregated from their conversation, I long to be one of the girls. I want to tell them that I am one of you but of course I cannot.

When I transition I will not leave and start anew, I have children and responsibilities. It is inevitable that most of the people you see me will know who I used to be. Will I be included when I take the children to school as April…it should make for some interesting conversation on the playground before the bell rings.

Sunny day must be improving my mood, also heard that some progress has been made on my Jaguar XJS wiring harness (it has a Chevy V8) so that is good news. The Corvette powered Jag strikes me as a real April kind of car….we all need a little under hood conversion right?

Last night I washed the Lincoln and sealed up a leaky gasket around the steering column that was letting in copious amounts of hot air from the custom built 460. Then finally able to shed horrid guy clothes for girl jeans bra and top to watch TV and fold laundry...my I lead an exciting life.

By the way Jebus…it’s a Simpson’s thing
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=jebus

Hugs,

April