End of the Beginning

I apologize as it has been a day or two since my last post. Tuesday was my final day at my old job, we had a company lunch, I took the last of my personal stuff to my car, said good bye to all the guys. I made a final few calls to clients, handed over my computer and phone passwords then drove home.

It was surprisingly emotional but I didn't look back. In September I would have been there ten years, unimaginable when I started. It was kind of like leaving home, so many memories whether good or bad, I still spent a fair percentage of my life there.

I knew I had been doing the job too long when I would look back on a project and think it was last year and it was actually five years ago. After so, long all the seasons and episodes blended into each other.

Tuesday night I was emotionally drained and totally physically exhausted all I wanted to do was sleep.

Another issue that has kept me from blogging is dealing with my eldest daughter. I have naturally been reluctant to discuss any details but the purpose of this blog is to be honest and not candy coat the realities of being Trans.

Not yet a teenager, the normally happy student and gifted writer has developed an aversion to school. There are other issues but my transition is at the top of her list of worries.

I feel terribly guilty and thoughts of giving up on my transition abound. The black tendrils of depression once again encircled my heart and I felt myself shutting down. I believed myself to be a selfish monster.

I attended a school that was very religious though not evangelical, I always read that God only sets us tasks we normally would never want to do. At first I thought that was transition, rather it appears that not transitioning is the task I do not wish to embark on. I am not that strong, the years before me of pretending to be a guy, to play the role of strong silent family man. Content to numb himself with a succession of old cars, politics, history books anything to distract me.

I escaped into exercise until the sweat stung my eyes and matted my hair to my head. I cursed God, for making me this way, for making me too weak to fight it, to take this bitter cup from before me. I told him to strike me down with a heart attack, make my car slide on the ice and crash, I double dog dared him. I ran and ran till I fell off the tread mill putting my foot through the wall, the only injury being to my pride.

I had a long talk with "J", not transitioning is NOT the answer. To try and go back now is impossible, relationships have permanently changed and as she reminded me a happy and engaged parent is better than an emotionally dead shell of a man. As she noted before the only photos of me smiling are as April.

The long march forward continues, big changes are on the horizon, I need to be positive so I am there for my children.

Hugs,

April

Here is a tune by Sweden's Top Cats, this will get you going better than a cup of Starbucks:

Important Anniversaries, Commercials and Zombies

First a couple of missed anniversaries, I recently passed one hundred posts (where is my medal) and more importantly Sunday was the hundredth anniversary of Ronald Reagan’s birth.

“The Gipper” is seen by both sides of the political divide as a totemic figure worthy of quoting to make a point. It was during his first term in office that I realized I was a conservative. It took me longer to realize other things about myself and no I don’t find the two to be mutually exclusive.

I always thought he was a great man and the undeserved scorn heaped upon him by the pundits lead me to a healthy distrust of the media and taught me to think for myself more than any school or university.

This is not a political blog so I won’t go any further except to say what another giant of my youth, Margaret Thatcher said at his funeral,

"Well done, Thou good and faithful servant."

An epitaph that anyone should be proud.

To see some of his greatest speeches check out the always excellent Ace of Spades blog:

http://ace.mu.nu/

I am not a fan of football (or any sports really) but I do love advertising. Car commercials predominated at the Superbowl. VW takes the win for their pint sized Darth Vader but the Miss Evelyn Camaro ad made me want to sign my life away one easy payment at a time. Anyone else think Miss Evelyn looked like Joan from Mad Men?

I will not claim to be a “Gleek” but I really did enjoy last nights episode. Being more of a traditionalist, there I go being a conservative again, the version of the Zombies, She’s Not There, in full zombie makeup was super cool.

Of course a little while ago I would not have even admitted to watching this show, I would have locked myself in the garage and cleaned and regapped some spark plugs. See even conservatives can change. Look at that I tied everything up neatly, see you'll tomorrow.

Hugs,

April

Astral Ascension

My tenure at my own Sterling Cooper is almost over. I have slowly de-contented my office of books, car parts (a surprisingly large number) and pictures.

Wednesday morning will feel so strange I am sure I will have to stop myself from driving to work on autopilot. On the way to work I was thinking about all the cars I have driven here over the last nine years; three different Lincoln Continental Mark IVs (still have two of them), 1970 Riviera GS (destroyed in an accident), a Stutz Blackhawk and my current daily driver Toronado. Of course there were a few more but these were the ones in regular service. My in car music delivery has evolved from cassette to cd changer to ipod.

Listening to the Cramps today, great band. Hearing them for the first time was almost as eye opening as hearing Elvis’ Sun sessions. A sound that opened whole new vistas. If I could be in a band it would be this one.

My brother and I even saw them live one time and lived to tell! We were up at the front of the stage for the opening act (lame) when the Cramps came on we were swamped by a crush of crazed fans and pummelled by a sonic wall of noise, Lux’s screaming and Ivy’s staccato guitar. It was all we could do to make it up to the relative safety of the balcony and pray our hearing survived. They were playing when I was in Las Vegas on business many years later, I wish I had gone.

Lux passed away in 2009, his partner/wife/band mate Poison Ivy gave him a most appropriate and loving farewell at the Self Realization Fellowship, Elvis’ own spiritual hang out in LA.

Read all about his Astral Ascension here:

http://blogs.laweekly.com/westcoastsound/2009/03/lux_interiors_astral_ascension.php#

Almost as cool as my own preferred Viking funeral and black marble pyramid final resting place. Or if on a budget I will accept one of those weeping Victorian angels.

As you might tell from this live performance, being Trans would not have raised any eyebrows in this group.

The above photos are from the Date with Elvis album (one of their best) and a real early version of the band with Miriam Linna of Kicks and Norton Records fame. Read about her early history with the Cramps at her blog:

http://kicksville66.blogspot.com/2009/05/my-first-band-cramps-1976-pt-1.html

Hugs,

April

PS. YOU’RE A CRAMP NOW! YOU CAN’T GO BACK

I Survived the Groundhog Day Storm and am Still Waiting for my T Shirt

Looks like I survived the snowmageddon. Safe and warm back home at the end of the day. Came home to find "J" had cleaned the driveway to perfection! Thanks!

Made it into work at my usual time. Roads were quiet but a little slippery, most roads on my commute had yet to be plowed. Was in before my soon to be former boss…ha ;)

Toronados rule!

Feeling rather useless and out of place at work as the last few days of my sentence are served. I have been training a replacement (like I could be replaced). Don't feel like answering any more questions, want to get on with my new life! It is like having the ghost of Christmas future looking over my shoulder constantly.

I understand he just wants to put his own mark on things but man it is annoying.

Confident in my decision to leave.

Have been watching season three of Mad Men, the episode where Don and Betty go to Rome was great. It was interesting as I found myself identifying with Betty, especially as she so coolly and expertly fielded advances from the locals. Check out the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_bZruCcNIc

And Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow….so early spring!

On a sad note tomorrow is February 3rd....

Hugs,

April

Is it Snowpocalypse or Snowmageddon?

Let the count down begin. It is now a week until my last snowy road, speed trap, bleary eyed morning commute, well to this place at least. I have been training a temporary replacement, kind of like writing your own eulogy.

Few people know I am leaving and surprisingly word has not spread, really? I thought I would be the hot topic this week, oh well, just wait until they found out about the other.

Big snowfall predicted for tonight and tomorrow, no I will not be in a rush to risk my life to be at my desk on time. It was certainly never appreciated in the past. Sorry trying not to be bitter. On wards and upwards, to the toppermost of the poppermost as John Lennon and the guys were want to say.

Relatively confident that the FWD Toronado can handle the worst Mother Nature can dish out. Better check on the Electra and Eldorado on the way home.

I have been catching up on season 3 of Mad Men; “Guy Walks into an Advertising Agency” has to be the best episode ever. I grew up reading old early sixties Mad magazines and always wanted to work on Madison Ave in the grey flannel suit days, so this show is perfect for me. I actually do work in a form of advertising just without the three martini lunches, money or glamour.

Here is a rare picture of me with glasses (and for good reason, planning on switching back to contacts) as they say, guys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses...

Hugs,

April

Tears and Frozen Toes

Another blur of a weekend. And up early this morning to have the Electra flat bedded to the garage for her safety check.

So cold waiting for CAA to show up I didn't think my poor toes would ever be warm again.

We had my friend and therapist Bill over for dinner on Saturday night. Didn't make him talk shop but by the end of the evening that is what happened. Turned into a couples session before we knew it.

"J" had a lot to say and though it was not hurtful or mean spirited, it was hard to hear. I am very glad she could expresses her self to me, she so often holds in her emotions in check to protect everyone else's feelings. She is supportive and understands why I need to transition but of course is upset too. It is hard to realize that she is loosing a husband and perhaps never had one to begin with.

There were a lot of tears from the both of us but I feel our relationship is stronger for it. I am still somewhat emotionally and physically exhausted as she no doubt is too.

The intense preoccupation with career matters and old cars temporarily banished the severity of my GID, whenever this happens the seeds of doubt plant themselves in my mind. I become afraid I cannot do this and that sometimes a little voice (like the cartoon devil on ones shoulder) says you don't have to transition, if you were only stronger, if you were a better person, you could fight this.

I KNOW that these doubts are WRONG, those who know me, realize these thoughts are wrong and self destructive. On Saturday night "J" and Bill helped me rediscover my confidence.

On Sunday I was able to take my renewed confidence and go out for a quick coffee with Marissa. I walked with my head up and looked people in the eye. Jeans, purple to and very little makeup. I am in that sweet spot between laser sessions where all the dead hairs come out and no shadow! I felt so great, so like my self that I didn't want to go to bed when I got home, the inner and outer were in harmony. To look in the mirror and to see who you want to be was exhilarating. I never wanted to stop being the woman I am inside.

I was uncomfortable with the word woman before, it seem loaded with so much hidden meaning, a title that no matter what surgery I had I could never lay claim to. Something has changed I think it is who I am, who I will be.

I feel like I am at the helm of an old sailing ship, there is a storm on the horizon, time to tackle it head on.

Hugs,

April

I have not listened to my old Shakin' Stevens albums for ages, found this one I have never heard before, think I like even more that Ricky's:

Scotland, Buicks and Bill Haley

It is a rare weekend post! I know you are asking yourself to what do we owe this great good fortune. First of all I am a stuck in the parent’s waiting room at ballet class and secondly in the comments the other day Louise mentioned Buicks Scottish connection.

Like all good things on this earth, Buicks have Scottish ancestry (well that is what my Scottish friends are always telling me). The founder of the Buick Motor Company was Scottish.

David Dunbar Buick, founder and namesake of the Buick Motor Company, was born on September 17, 1854 in Arboath, Scotland. He and his family immigrated to the New World when he was 2 years old.

David dropped out of high school at 15, helped run a plumbing business, the Buick & Sherwood Manufacturing Company. Buick was credited with at least 13 patents including those for a lawn sprinkler, bathtubs, and a flushing device. His most important invention in this field was a method for fixing enamel to cast iron that allowed for development of modern porcelain bathtubs and plumbing fixtures.

This business prospered and over the course of the 1880s but he sold out to his partner as he was too fond of messing about with cars. Buick pioneered the valve in head (OHV) engine and the first prototype made a successful run from Flint to Detroit in July 1904, production would start that year. Just like Henry Ford, the Buick Motor Company had to overcome the financial hurdles that beset any start up.

In November 1904, William "Billy" Durant, who went on to create General Motors became General Manager and director of the Buick Motor Car and forced Buick out by 1908. Buick later sold his stock for a mere $100,000. Had he held on to his shares, it would’ve been worth well over $100 million by the time of his death in the late twenties and today would be despite GM’s problems be nearly incalculable.

The famous Buick crest is also of Scottish origin. Created during the GM era, it is based on the Scottish "Buik" family crest. In 1960, the logo incorporated three shields, to represent the three Buick models then built: LeSabre, Invicta, and Electra.

Buick tried a number of other businesses but lightening wouldn’t strike for a third time. Forgotten and broke he died in 1929, his last job being as an instructor at the Detroit School of Trades.

Buick and Cadillac for that matter have survived the autopocalypse of the past few years and Buick I am sure to David's amazement is one of the best selling cars in China.

Well on my next trip to Motown I should stop at Woodmere Cemetery and pay my respects.
From a final interview given in 1928 he stated that he was not bitter and that “Success consists in looking ahead and forgetting the past.

Good advice for those of us born Trans, don’t live in regret and instead focus on building a successful future.

A Scottish themed musical choice, how about Bill Haley’s “Rockin’ Through the Rye”, sounds silly but actually it is extremely catchy.



Hugs,

April