Unpleasant Dreams

I seem to have slipped into a bad habit of falling asleep after I have put the children to bed then waking up still dressed, makeup on and contacts in at midnight. Then I will return to the computer and work or e-mail or just futz around for an hour or two.

This means my sleep patterns are all messed up and I wake up tired. A side effect are some rather weird dreams most of which disappear like ill remembered phantoms once I have had that first cup of coffee.

Some are trans related, reflecting concerns about being read or last night dreaming I was stealth then outed at work.

Or in other cases the convoluted fantasies of my own pop culture obsessions. I dreamed I was a Hollywood producer trying to explain why I green lighted an Elvis movie (GI Blues) directed by Ed Wood featuring the cast of Le Carrousel in Paris with music written by Hasil Adkins and Delores Fuller.

For those of you with a more normal taste in movies and music I will save you the trouble and will provide links to explain why those elements would have made it the best movie ever!

Le Carrousel: April Ashley top middle and a rare shot of Coccinelle with black hair, Amanda Lear with short dark hair to the right of Kiki Moustic.

Elvis needs no introduction of course, except to say that he must be of extraterrestrial origin as no one from this planet could be that cool.

Ed Wood was the director of some of the worst or best grade Z movies ever made (think Plan 9 from Outer Space). He was also a confirmed cross dresser who made the film Glen or Glenda to explain his obsession and to capitalize on the story of trans woman Christine Jorgensen.

Ed Wood: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ed_Wood

Also check out the bio pick starring Johnny Depp, highly recommended.

Le Carrousel inParis was a very popular club that featured the top acts in female impersonation, many of the girls going on to have SRS with pioneering surgeon Dr. Georges Burou. Their number included Coccinelle, April Ashley, Amanda Llear (though she denies it), Bambi and many more.

http://zagria.blogspot.com/2008/01/georges-burou1917-1987-pioneer-surgeon.html

Paris seemed so romantic in the fifties, I wish I could have seen it then. I did visit as a child and retuned a few years ago for work.

(above; Amanda Lear, Coccinelle and below Bambi)

Hasil Adkins was a West Virgina mountain man and rockabilly legend who specialized in the most primitive rockabilly ever stamped onto vinyl. A lack of commercial success never deterred him and was eventually discovered in the eighties by a wider audience. His demented She Said was even covered by the Cramps.

http://hasiladkins.com/biography.php

Dolores Fuller was Ed Woods girlfriend and co star in Glen or Glenda and Jail Bait, inexplicably going on to write songs for some of Elvis movies in the sixties, including Do the Clam and Steppin out of Line…the first even covered by the Cramps.

Really truth is stranger than fiction. Another Elvis connection apparently he did meet April Ashley while on leave in Paris, at least according to her, a possibility but a picture would be nice.

So I hope I have contributed to your cultural corruption and no I have not been hitting the eggnog to hard before bed.

Unpleasant Dreams,

April

What Colour Nail Polish to Wear to the Dump

Sorry no earth shattering insights into being transsexual just a post about the boring stuff I did today.

Had a set of "car show" tires that came with my Corvette but they were too dried out and cracked to be safe for use. I finally got my act together and took them to the dump…after getting all the collected rain water out of them. Since it has been below freezing most of it came out in solid form. Did you know you can fit four full size tires in the trunk of a 76 Buick Electra and not even have to take out the spare?

Normally I would not get dressed up to dispose of junk but I also had to drop by my old employer (the job I left voluntarily because I knew they would not accept me transitioning) to collect a formal record of employment. I had them leave it with reception as they don't know about me "yet". Not that I care that much now.

Although they had not seen my Electra I was worried they would recognize it as just the type of car "he" used to drive. They would remember the Cadillac and the Lincoln so I left them at home. I forgot my sunglasses so I couldn't play international woman of mystery. "J" at reception was as completely unflappable as I remember her. A little disappointed she recognized me but did say I had nice legs.

I didn't stop by to say hello to anyone else as it is not that much of a friendly place and by no means did I want to run into my old boss.

Made it home by three no thanks to traffic to pick up the children after school and make dinner. So ends my exciting day, really I just wanted to share this picture with you, despite the shadow across my face I really like it.

I heard from World of Wheels magazine, they commissioned a story on rust proofing, yes money.

So what colour did I choose…bright red!

Well Christmas is fast approaching and despite being out of work I feel a little bit of the Christmas spirit trying to displace my inner Scrooge. Here is The Creepshow's version of The Ramones, Merry Christmas Baby, I Don't Want to Fight Tonight, great rocking version with a supercharged Buddy Holly feel.

Feeling Like a Guy?

I had a post complete with photo, graphics and a song already to go but I decided not to use just yet. I wrote it feeling very angry with the world but I feel a little better now. I will save it when I am totally pissed off again, you likely won't have to wait that long.

Sorry about the photo I know it is out of focus...I was in a rush.

Winter is almost upon us, in this part of Southern Ontario we have been spared the indignity of any meaningful snow fall. Instead we have had a few blustery days and light overnight dusting that disappear with the coming dawn. Each little appearance of snow is like a blackmailers letter cut up from random words in the newspaper, an ominous threat of trouble to come.

I am behind in preparing my fleet of cars (collector or hoarder…I will leave it for the reality shows to decide) for winter duty and for others storage. The Corvette finally ran for shelter in my mother's garage (thanks mom!!!), the Electra is booked in for rust proofing next week and the storage. The Lincoln has a somewhat quieter exhaust, still needs more work, new alternator and may yet require a tune up in the form of plugs, wires, cap and rotor. Nevertheless she is moving on her own now.

So as you can tell I have been spending more time on the cars than I have in quite a few months, including visiting parts stores, re builders and running into "fellow" enthusiasts. Despite trying hard to avoid it working on vintage cars means getting dirty. I wear girl jeans, t shirt, guys work shirt winter jacket etc. As I explained earlier on in this blog, the time spent on cars was the only period where I was not consumed by thoughts of gender dysphoria. Ironic now that when I have spent some quality time with my Detroit born children I fell too male. I actually asked "J" today if I looked any different..less female… such was my paranoia.

Perhaps it was just the clothes…haha

Took the Lincoln for a quick spin and pulled into a parking lot to check the idle speed, I was approached by a guy who wanted to know all about the car. Turns out he was a big Ford fan. I spoke freely and didn't hide my knowledge of cars, did he read me, didn't seem to be any indication but then again Canadians are known to be awfully polite. Same thing happened two weeks ago with the Buick, that time I was positive I passed but they guy didn't clearly know what to make of a woman so into cars.

Slow on the job front, more resumes to get out.

I informed the car magazine that I write for as a freelancer about my name and gender change. They were very nice and had no problem with a new byline. The last two articles I wrote were published under my old name, next months will be the first as April. If you are in Canada check out your news stand for World of Wheels, I am sure you can guess which are my stories.

Off to do something feminine, like paint my nails metal flake pink, now that would make a cool colour for a 72 Mark IV.

Here is Joey Ramone with a great tune I have been blasting all week, sure to put a smile on your face. And the equally infections Dahlmanns tribute.

Hugs,

April

Better Red

The neighbourhood Christmas party was Friday and I wore a new tight fitting sparkly red sweater with blue jeans. I liked the sweater but perhaps it makes my shoulders look too big. Anyway everyone seemed very nice and I was ensconced with the girls for the evening. A certain point the men left to watch the a hockey game in the den. I had little contact with the guys (likely make them uncomfortable) but I was addressed by my new name and I felt no negative vibes.

I almost didn't go as I had gotten very upset earlier over issues around separation and came close to ruining my make up by crying.

The trip to see old friends east of the city went well too. Once I pulled into their driveway all my nervousness kicked in and I reluctantly followed a minute or two behind the rest of the family family. Conservatively dressed, jeans black t shirt and a leopard print cardigan. I don't think I looked my best as I had gotten so little sleep the night before.

I was initially rather standoffish as there was a misunderstanding regarding a comment about my appearance. Once that was cleared up and "P" and I went out to look at his new restoration (Austin Westminster) it seemed like old times.

I really appreciated their effort to remember to call me April and to use the right pronouns.

The children played and we had a great dinner and as usual we parted wishing we lived closer to each other. I felt very comfortable with my old (no I am not calling them old…in joke) friends and I pray we can all still be friends after the separation.

Some late rockabilly as it morphs into surf, the Paragons with their instrumental Scramble:

So Many Tears

Spoiler Alert….

Mid season finale of The Walking Dead, the survivors finally find Sophia the little girl from their group who panicked and runs off. Despite a coordinated search for her, she was virtually right under there noses all along. In a powerful last few minutes of the episode the producers manage to engender sympathy for the "walkers" lost humanity and tragedy at the fate of a little girl.

I know its just a TV show but when an undead Sophia emerged from the barn I burst into tears and cried and cried. The pain of the mother all too real.

A bit of an over reaction on my part but it has been a stressful week or two. The uncertainty of my employment status, the frustration of finding enough time to do everything. But mostly the hurt feelings and grieving over "J" and I's imminent separation proved too much.

I never feel so bad as when "J" and I argue. I did not head down this road blind, I knew where it would lead. Do I wish I never started. Yes and No.

If you are wondering how the Christmas party and visit with old friends went, good but more about that tomorrow.

Hugs,

April

Here are British psychobilly band Demented are Go with my fav Wanda Jackson tune:

Christmas Parties and a Road Trip to see Old Friends

What am I up to, mostly looking for work, being a "mom" and writing when I have a minute. The terrible fall/early winter cold has almost dissipated and with its retrial hopefully a return of my old energy.

My cooking skills have improved dramatically as I am usually responsible for dinner, the search is always on for quick and tasty recipes.

Transition wise my phone voice must have improved as I had two Ma'ams from different telemarketers. Gas station attendants are also much more solicitous.

Had my first phone interview as April as well!

Two rather nerve racking events coming up, the neighbourhood Christmas party, so far everyone has been very nice but I do not speak with everyone on our street on a regular basis. I am sure the entire neighbourhood has seen me out at some point whether it is going to pick up the children from school, raking leaves or working on a car. But for many it will be the first time the see me up close.

There is also a trip planned to see some old friends from university. They were initially very upset to learn of my transition and the eventual break up. I would not be too nervous meeting them one or one or even as a couple but a gathering of each family including children makes it a much more uncertain proposition.

Culturally (or what I classify as culture…cars and rockabilly) interests me this moment is Lincoln Mark V's the Mark V superseded the Mark IV of course, I have a 72 and 76 model (who knows I may even get top keep them after the separation as they are still not much of a valuable collector car).

The 77-79 Mark V is mechanically the same as the 72-76 Mark IV but had a new angular body with the same neo-classic design cues. I have admired them for some time and would love to have a vinyl roof delete model in silver, or a triple white loaded model, top of the list is the fifty or so coach built convertibles. Be still my beating heart. Oh yeah make sure they all have the 460 V8.

Other topics of fascination, Elvis' girlfriends after Priscilla, Linda Thompson and Ginger Alden. Linda was later married Bruce Jenner and music mogul David foster and also the subject of a brief reality show.

The last Lincoln Elvis bought (yes he had Mark IVs too) was a white 77 for Ginger. Ford was sold out and a special call had to be made to Detroit to locate a car immediately. After all that trouble the big Continental was too much for Ginger who prior to that only had a three speed bike. Elvis bought her Cadillac's "international sized" Seville.

While we are talking about Elvis, check out his last "travelogue" movie Live a Little Love a Little, (I have featured it here before) the office scenes where he juggles two jobs, as an advertising photographer/executive and a pin up photographer have a definite Mad Men feel about them. To match his new success he gets a cool apartment, new suits and a 68 Imperial convertible to drive around in…. very cool!

Musically I am still listening to Teenage Head's complete discography. Wish I had seen them live when I had a chance. But I will leave you with an alt take of Elvis' T.R.O.U.B.L.E. from 1975:

Hugs,

April

Zombies, Winter and Crossing Guards

It snowed the other day, a little wet blowing snow but ominous signs of what is to come. I am not a winter person and before anyone in even colder parts of this great Dominion call me a wimp I have lived In Thunder Bay and Sudbury too and have experienced its Siberian like temperatures.

Makes me want to run to Florida or the South of France! I await my invite in the mail dear constant readers?

But the little snow we had reminds me of how close Christmas is and how far behind I feel. Not enough resumes out, not enough work on my voice and name change paper work. I seem to be so busy just being a "mom" dropping off or picking up, getting dinner ready. When the school day ends at just after three until all are in bed I cannot begin work again till well past nine pm….by which time I am usually beat.

No I don't believe this is divine retribution for my past sexist ways I was always very aware of how hard stay at home parents worked.

Needless to say I am rather behind on car work as well. The Seville is running and should be ready for its mandatory safety check. I finally got the exhaust manifold off the Lincoln Mark IV…wow what a job requiring all sorts of ingenuity and tricks not detailed in the official Ford manual (six volumes). As usual trying to do most of the work myself to avoid further enriching local mechanics. Grease, rust particles and foundation do not go well together.

I have also churned out a new automotive article for a domestic buff magazine entitled The Top 10 Cars to survive the Zombie Apocalypse….I know I know it just writes itself. Yes a paying gig too! The image above was photo shopped for article thanks to "J". "Mom" and daughter zombie fighting team.

How is being full time going, great! I do feel so much happier as myself sometimes I think I need a good pinch to wake myself up. Being out and about amongst my fellow "man" is no longer such a concern almost second nature. Last week was also the first time I tried on clothes using the stores woman's changing room.

I continue to feel I am passing most of the time. The cashier at the store offered me a candy again and called me sweetie, the young guy at the pizza place called me Ma'am, the staff at the Napa auto parts store both male and female never seemed to notice anything.

But how much is being polite? The girl who helped me choose a new phone never batted an eye when I handed her my still male drivers licence.

OK one funny story, walking children to school, the youngest runs ahead to the crossing guard, he says wait for your mom. My little darling proceeds to tell him that I am her daddy and that I just look like a girl….then she bids him a cheery good morning.

Had a chat with my friend Krissy today on the phone it felt just like two woman having a conversation and I guess it was.

Hugs,

April

Here is the first single by local punk band Teenage Head. I have also been listening to their 1996 album Head Disorder, great!!! go and find it or their Trouble in the Jungle from 86 but the best has to be Frantic City 1980. The most rockabilly of all punk bands.