Not Worthy....Wow a second post within only two days… let me check if hell has frozen over. My previously discussed problems has driven me back kicking and screaming to therapy.

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Wow a second post within only two days… let me check if hell has frozen over.

My previously discussed problems has driven me back kicking and
screaming to therapy. Despite the cost it is well worth it, I am
broken and need to be fixed. I want to use some a car analogy here.

If I am the car, to continue to drive without repair would only damage
the vehicle to the point of complete mechanical failure.

My therapist recommended that journal my thoughts about the
session….well this blog is my journal. The idea of writing something
for private consumption seems pointless. So thanks for reading, dear
constant readers.

Lets me see what I can remember,

First of all I am still grieving the loss of not just the recent still
born relationship but also my prior relationship with my ex and for my
old life, however flawed it was. Grieving is the right word I am
heartbroken, sad and angry all at the same time. Still working to
reach the acceptance stage.

The real takeaway from the session was that I couldn’t love anyone
fully until I could love myself. In my marriage I could not give
myself fully as I could not love as a woman and kept the best part of
me buried.

Even with transition I could not give myself over to love as I hated
myself. I despised my weaknesses and could not forgive my perceived
career failures. I was consumed by feelings of shame and guilt over
being transsexual.

I believed that the loss of this relationship meant that no one would
ever love me.

I believed I was not worthy of anyone loving me.

I feared I was expendable and I would loose the little security I had regained in my life.

I was scared and powerless.

No wonder that the recent emotional turmoil combined with other
stresses in my life drove me to the brink of madness and suicide. I’m
not frakkin’ exaggerating with you people….it was touch and go.

I understand intellectually that I deserve love and that I am a good
person but feeling that in my heart is a struggle and will take some
work to achieve. As my BFF Cass said, a lifetime of self-loathing
takes time to overcome.

This is a first step.

Nothing profound in my musical choice just the Beach Boys pounding out Dance Dance Dance
.....they look like they are really having fun....joyous
 

Smile Smile Smile....Dispatches from the dating front....men are pigs and only want one thing! Wow April news flash! OK I am being unfair I have met maybe one or two true gentlemen.

 

Dispatches from the dating front....men are pigs and only want one thing!  Wow April news flash! OK I am being unfair I have met maybe one or two true gentlemen.


Greetings from the office over the stairs....really my office used to be a closet....insert joke here...

I am still battling periods of depression as super blogger Cass will attest, as she, poor girl, is usually on the receiving end of my sad ass text messages.

I had my middle daughter over the other day , we had pizza and watched Toy Story 3, now that is a tough film not to cry over.  

It has been an up and down existence emotionally the last month as sad April battles positive April for supremacy. It sucks being depressed, everything I love loses its luster, from cars to music, even food tastes like sawdust.  Good news is I dropped below my target weight LOL.

I won't sugar coat this for anyone reading this blog near the beginning of their journey. Transition is worth the blood and tears but you better be strong.  

I am posting this as I am on a upswing (I could be back in the depths of hell by this evening). I have come dangerously close to giving into despair but hope is a terrible and powerful thing that keeps me moving forward in this uncertain and scary world.

The Ravonettes have a great new-ish "surf" inspired album but I am trying to listen to only positive upbeat tunes. So I will save that review for later.

My favorite pop punk band the Dollyrots have an amazing acoustic album out called Love Songs, Werewolves and Zombies. You cant help but to play it loud and dance around the room. The song Smile Smile Smile seemed to speak to the trans condition....

you can buy it here:

 http://thedollyrots.bandcamp.com/album/love-songs-werewolves-zombies-a-dollyrots-acoustic-album

HOW TO FIX A BROKEN HEART....DATING. I am still hurt and angry and prone to fits of crying but a little of the old determination and courage that got me through transition is creeping back. I had not dated since the divorce as I was scared

bitches be crazy!

I had not dated since the divorce as I was scared and I didn't want to upset my friend from the last post.

I joined a dating site and have been inundated with responses.....yeah I'm bragging.....but its more to do with my profile drafting skills. I have a degree in marketing and I am a writer, I know how to sell the sizzle...

Yes I always wanted to work on Madison Avenue.

It is hard to find the time to do the typical coffee date but I have managed to squeeze a few into a busy schedule.

Some good none bad, there were two where we had nothing in common whatsoever, those were more humerous than anything else. Others involved great conversations that neither of us wanted to end.

But I can tell you have questions, dear constant reader.  Let me second guess you.

Passing?


As no one has called me on it I am passing with all comers both in person and on the phone.

Telling?

Do I tell. NO not at this point. I am a woman and I don't owe anyone my life history until I am damn good and ready and things are moving towards a relationship.

So early days yet and I will cross that bridge when I get to it. I am sure it won't be easy.  

Here is the stunning Sylvie Vartan on Hullabaloo from 1965, the guy is cute too:

   

I guess all those stupid songs about heartbreak are real…it really does hurt

…it really does feel like your heart is breaking.

How much to share, hmmmmm. 

On top of this, literally the same day, I find out in a text from my ex that she is now dating an old “friend” of mine. She has every right to move on with her life but it is the old “friend” part of the equation that stings.

Once again I had to go to work and put on my happy face for co-workers and customers that was hard too.

So I am here writing this post when I should be sleeping but sleep wont come nor do I expect it to.   

oh to have a heart of stone.....

Wrath, I returned to my part time job on Saturday working the next three nights into the early morning hours. Inventory, all hands on deck situation.

My toe isn't throbbing constantly and I can get around in a limping sort of way so long as I keep my weight off the big toe and balance on my heel.


A co-worker remarked that they had missed me and I almost cried.

The first two days I was functioning normally but on the third the disruption of my sleep patterns really started to take a toll.

The lack of sleep manifested itself in anger. Wrath seems to be one of my personal seven deadly sins right behind envy.

I do have flashes of self awareness and I realize that the root of feelings comes not only from sleep deprivation but the stress I have been under. An element of which has been the promise of a career position. (oh to return to the rat race and once again to be real person in the eyes of others). I am on the short list but the waiting is killing me and everyday that goes by I despair of ever getting a "real" job.

The Bitch Goddess of Vintage Cars taketh away and giveth....

As you dear constant reader may remember I broke my big toe by dropping Corvette t roofs on my foot.

So my right foot along with the rest of my apparently healthy body is restricted to the couch. After I binged watched the latest season of Orange is the New Black I started to loose my mind....its only been three days!

the horror...the horror

I guess I have been so busy the last few months enforced rest was not at all welcome. Never mind that if I can't work I don't get paid. I can't even work on my Stutz restoration project.

Today I am with my daughters making grilled cheese sandwiches and driving them to the library, being very careful of right foot and braking with the left.   

I have been a little naughty and brought the Stutz's seized windshield wiper motor along. Sitting down I managed to disassemble it and clean out all the rust. Seems that Stutz designed the space where the wiper motor sits beneath the cowl without a drain. The motor had clearly been submersed in water at some time in the past and stopped working.

The wiper motor is Italian made by Magneti Marelli. (the car was coachbuilt by Padane in Modena on a Pontiac chassis and uses a variety of Maserati and Ferrari components. I believe a modern replacement is still available but somewhat expensive in North America so I am hoping a little elbow grease and ingenuity will get the original working.

What I was upset about was that the chrome windshield wiper trim pieces were missing. In fact I hadn't seen them since the car was disassembled back in 2006. I had an idea that Stutz used Alfa Romeo parts judging by the wiper motor assembly but they could also be unique to the car. As only twenty six 1971 Stutzs were built replacement trim items are nonexistent.

Poking my nose into a few boxes I had searched fruitlessly before I came across a clear plastic bag with all the missing trim pieces!!!!

Ah the bitch goddess of vintage cars can be merciful....too bad about the toe.


Since we have been talking windshield wipers here is a really wet song Dion and the Belmonts...

BEST FOOT FORWARD, my first SRS birthday and other stuff

all dressed for work, any color you want so long as its black

Canada Day (July 1st) was the first anniversary of my surgery. Despite predictions of rain Southern Ontario enjoyed a hot summer day.

It was made even better as I was able to pick up my daughters that morning and bring them back to my "home" where we had a early birthday celebration for my oldest.

My good friend Julie decorated the house with red and white bunting and did the cooking. Reese's peanut butter chocolate cake!

We all went on a hike along the Bruce trail to a hidden waterfall where we waded barefoot up a stream cooling our tired feet. 

Later we raced slot cars, watched a movie and had a water balloon fight. A wonderful and memorable day and yes I cried when they went home.

It is a weird time right now as I wait to hear about a career position in the city, things look positive but I have been disappointed too many times before.

My part time retail job keeps me hopping....well literally now as the other day I managed to drop a box containing two glass and steel Corvette T-roofs on my right foot. OMG the pain, the end of the box came open and the t roofs slid out (they are very very heavy). The next day I went to the hospital and an x-ray reveled that I had broken my big toe. It is hideous purple and swollen as I sit here type this post, and throbs like a.... well you get the idea.   

Lucky the roofs didn't guillotine all my toes off. No cast or boot, just rest and comfy shoes. I am back at work on Saturday and I am not sure what to tell them. I have a note from the doctor requesting desk work but I really have no choice but to be on my feet.  I am concerned I will be dismissed.

The above photo is pre accident. At work we have to wear black, good thing it is my favourite color (notice I spelled color sans the U in tribute to our American cousins....it is the glorious fourth after all). Dresses and bare legs are the exception as the AC in the store is so cold nylons and long sleeves are a better choice.

My Seville and Lincoln Mark IV in downtown Hamilton.     

Both sides of the 49th parallel are experiencing some tough times right now, it is hard to keep hope alive but sometimes it is all we have. My faith has been tested but America is still the shining city upon a hill, thanks for giving me all the things I love...

Hugs,

April