Well the unthinkable happened, no not split ends or a run in my last good pair of nylons, I was laid off Tuesday afternoon. There is an unfair shame in loosing your job, a feeling of worthlessness. I hate to even tell you dear constant reader….I want you to think me a successful woman but a blog like any diary should be about honesty.
I really believe I am psychic when it comes to job loss, over ten years ago I was laid off at the bank (found two jobs in a month or so….clearly a different time) and the day before I had a very ominous feeling about work. Same this time so I was not totally surprised and took it well without breaking down in tears…that came later.
Nothing to do with being transsexual, I am confident it was purely a business decision. The same one I would make if I had to.
Understanding is one thing, emotions are another. After I sat stunned in the parking lot for a good half an hour. I could hardly summon the energy to drive, I unsteadily piloted the Electra to a park by the lake where I could sit in silence and contemplate the speed hypothermia can kill. I Googled it later and it is quite an unpleasant way to die.
A beautiful pink and blue late afternoon sky, Canada geese flying south for the winter. The on coming tsunami of depression could be felt in every cell of my body but the cipralex I am on seemed to do a good job and prevented a full collapse.
I knew this job was a risk and I do not regret leaving my old one, it was a horrible environment that was killing me. This job was my ticket out and allowed me to transition. For that i am grateful.
In the very near past I was my job, it defined me, to loose that identity would have been traumatic. In the process of really becoming myself I have moved beyond what I do defining me and am surprised to find I am OK.
Ashley called we talked, would I go back, no the thought never crossed my mind. I AM April, to go back would be a lie. My experience full time has been brief but my confidence has grown immeasurably. It will be scary looking for a job as a woman but I will. It will be nice to start a new job (hopefully) as April with a lot less baggage.
"J" called we talked she gave me a wonderful pep talk, I waited a while longer said goodbye to Lake Ontario then drove home in silence.
The other day determined to make a nice dinner for the family I made a lovely Shepard's pie with fresh mushrooms, salad, french bread etc. Turns out I used some expired chicken broth. I had to throw it all away. I was so upset and had a bit of a breakdown all out of proportion to a ruined dinner. Clearly I was more upset about the job than I told myself.
So the blog continues to morph, the transition story continues, now I can also document the trials and tribulations of the job search process for a trans woman in the 21st century…..great googly moogily….stay tuned.
Times like these call for the blues, here is Johnny Lee Hooker with Boom Boom from my favourite movie of all time:
(bonus points if you spot the 69 Coupe De Ville)
I'm really sorry to hear that, April. I can empathize, as I was also laid off recently (also strictly for business reasons). Not much of a market for writers in my area at the moment, alas. :c) I'm looking at it as a sign that it's time to head back out West, which was my long-term plan anyway.
ReplyDeleteBe good to yourself; it's really easy to beat yourself up in this situation (or so I'm told , even though you know it isn't your fault. It sounds like you have the right attitude about moving forward.
Best of luck in your search, April!
Hugs,
Kelly
Whoops - Blogger deleted my clever (cough cough) after "or so I'm told" in my comment. Or at least it was my attempt at being clever, anyway. Where's a writer when you need one? Oh, wait a minute (looking in mirror)... ;c)
ReplyDelete== K
So, so sorry to hear about your job, just at an otherwise really positive stage in your life. However, I am a great believer in things happening for a good reason and in this case I believe that you will find a job as April and be happy that it went this way, though I don't suppose you can see a bright side right now. Keep smiling with that lovely smile and things will work out for you.
ReplyDeleteWhat doesn't kill you makes you stronger as the saying goes. Life sure does have a way of throwing curve balls and I guess this is another one.
ReplyDeleteYou have shown so much strength, so much character to get this far and I hope that you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move forward.
As for applying for a new job - I just see it as a woman applying for a new job. A life skilled, personable, capable woman - a woman who look great and is happy to be a woman.
So sorry to read your news. i hope all goes well for you over the coming weeks, I had no job when I began my transition. It was scary at first looking for a job as a woman 6 years ago. The bonus is 6 years later, my colleagues have never known me as anything other than I am now. Good luck,
ReplyDeleteJane
Don't worry,you're not the only one stuck searching for a job. You have experience, and a smart head on your shoulders: So you'll be fine, trust me!! Best of luck ; )
ReplyDeleteSorry to read of this today. Why does a lay-off feel like such a punch to the gut and seem to come when you need it least? ; (
ReplyDeleteHopefully, you have a fair severance coming and plenty of good references. You are too talented to stay on the shelf just looking pretty.
Fingers and toes crossed for you!
Karin
Dear girls,
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your kind words and encouragement, it means a lot.
Hugs,
April
Damn, just come to this. Sorry. Been there too many times as well. There is always an other side though, you are resourceful and you'll find something.
ReplyDeleteYou have no need to go back. You *are* April, and successfully, too. And as has been pointed out, at your new job you will only ever have been her.