Time for my annual bah humbug post.
Every idiot who goes about with Happy Holidays (PC don't cha know) on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. (Scrooge)
Every idiot who goes about with Happy Holidays (PC don't cha know) on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. (Scrooge)
Christmas has always been a difficult time for me. The forced consumer happiness of the season never meshed well with someone so unhappy in their own skin.
Working freelance has been rather hand to mouth so I cannot even anesthetize myself with a glut of gift buying. Quite a relief not to worry about finding the perfect gift when you can't afford it :)
I did put up the Christmas lights more out of a sense of duty rather than seasonal joy. The artificial tree goes up this weekend. It even snowed today much to the delight of the children and snow plow operators.
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| always wanted a metallic white or pink Christmas tree, maybe next year |
At the grocery store the piped in carols were doing nothing for my morose mood, a dwindling bank account and sense of rejection on the employment front made me want to stick a gun in my mouth….yeah what a drama queen.
What I miss most of all is a sense of purpose, of being useful.
As I waited in line silently cursing Christmas Muzak, the cashier, gently woke me from my revelry, saying Mam your next?
Shouldn't I turn this post around and make it about being thankful:
I should be thankful that I pass. It is hill we all choose die on. I expect to pass now with both men and women. There is still a little residual fear but that too I hope will disappear with SRS. I am no Amanda Lear but I know some guys look at me and their attention is not because I look like a freak but they may actually like what they see. An idea I still find hard to accept.
Make no mistake I have a lot to be thankful for, I am still at home, have my children, friends and my health.
Here are some very beautiful but rather sad Christmas songs by the Ravonettes:
No offense intended, but I only read your blog occasionally, and so if you have, maybe I have missed it. . .
ReplyDeleteI've seen you mention having SRS several times already, and was just wondering if you had experienced sleeping with a man yet?
And as for, "What I miss most of all is a sense of purpose, of being useful."
What do you think those words mean to a woman? Career? A business? Work? If you do, then you will either be just be as unhappy as every other woman that thought those things could replace where women mostly find their "sense of purpose" and sense of usefulness - which is devoting themselves to their man, and their children.
Or, you will just be what looks like a woman, but otherwise living a man's life.
And if you doubt that, then speak to the women you know, and ask them what REALLY gives them satisfaction in their lives, and for those that don't have it, what they REALLY desire.
You owe it to yourself before you start rearranging your body.
April be thankful you pass, I've had a week of being called Madam, and it's truly like a knife through my heart. If I passed 95% of the time I'd be singing Christmas songs on repeat until next March. :)
ReplyDeleteLondon - a very cold morning (yeah not as cold as yours and no snow) and I can here Christmas songs on the radio. So everything is in place to generate that Christmas feeling but it's not there and hasn't been for years. I think we are a long way away from being alone in this feeling. I think that this time of year is so far away from what it should be about and just pushes people to consider the simple pleasures insufficient somehow. It seems to spread much unhappiness rather than joy.
ReplyDeleteI hooey that you can find some joy in your children and friends and look to next year when hopefully things will have been resolved and you can push forward in your life.
Oh .... and be thankful how great you look. You have come a long way and whilst it's not without cost you are female. Life is not a bed of roses for many - lot harder when you still have GID roaring in your head all day, every day.
Chin up
April,
ReplyDeleteI hope this morning is going a little better for you. Came across Jennifer Finney Boylan's lates blog and wanted to forward this to you. You may not need another voice to chat with, who knows some of the type of struggles you face - but just in case, please take a look: http://www.jenniferboylan.net/2012/12/01/announcing-the-december-project-negotiating-the-holidays-with-the-trans-community/
For my own acknowledgement, I have lots of troubles with the Holidays as well. No parents (passed away), little money (I cry when I think of how I am unable to afford gifts for my own via my own earnings), not living as me yet (see reason #2), GID rages with each catalog or Macy's commercial, my writing/artistic career is not advancing... I won't go on. But, each day I wake up is a day I get to try and make myself happy against the odds. While I cannot place myself in your situation, I think you are strong, smart, resourceful and passionate enough to make most everything you want come your way.
Alright, enough of my Knute Rockne routine. Like Becca said - Chin up, gorgeous!
Take care,
Karin (from South of the Border)
Oh yes, I know the Christmas gloom. That damn Jona Lewie dubba dubba dum song!
ReplyDeleteNever mind the tree, I want the Philco Predicta!