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| a happier time |
Heart of Ashes….or how I was dumped on Halloween
I went on a date last Friday and it only ended a week later.
A whirl wind romance that gave me my first taste of real happiness.
A doctor
who drove a Corvette, liked some of same music, someone I had so much in common
with, we clicked from the minute we met.
The emotional and physical closeness was intoxicating. Like
a junkie on heroin I couldn’t get enough after my first fix.
Normally I am a glass half empty kinda gal who moves
carefully I followed their lead and flew too close to the sun. We tried to
spend every minute we could together, then on Halloween night it was over, I
still don’t fully understand the reasons, I guess it doesn’t matter why just
that it is over and it wasn’t my decision.
I cannot describe the hurt, I had only recently dug my way
painfully out of depression and now I find myself in an even lower level of
hell. The day before I remember being in my car and thinking that all the pain
of the last few months and years was worth it since I finally found true
happiness.
I was stupid happy like my BFF Cass says, they even accepted
my past history with empathy. I was bursting with joy, I drove too fast and
played the much too loud, not with my usual death wish but out of sheer
unadulterated happiness.
Instead it was snatched away the next day. I wish I had
never known what it feels like to be happy as now I will crave it like a drug.
I am going through terrible withdrawal pains. I have howled and cried and
cursed God at the unfairness of it all.
My friends say I am strong and that I am a fighter but I
have taken a serious blow and I don’t know if I can get up again.
One of my favorite sad songs....
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| the four pumpkins of the apocalypse, i carved for the children |
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| my Corvette Stingray inspired pumpkin |
You WILL get up again, honey. You will. You are so strong and brave. What happened was beyond cruel - and it WAS NOT your fault. The other person simply got scared.
ReplyDeleteI went through a major loss last weekend, as you know. It wasn't the same, but, as we've found so often, our paths so often mirror each other's.
I'd like to share with you what my therapist, M, told me.
This moment feels like it is the rest of your life.
It isn't.
It's now.
It does NOT define your future.
You were so courageous and brave in the struggle you endured up to this point. I am so, so proud of you for what you have accomplished.
As we said last night when we spoke, we are at the beginning of our journeys, not the end.
You will find love again.
I know you will.
Because I know how special you are.
Somewhere out there is some lucky soul who is going to spend the rest of their life with you.
You are never, ever alone.
Your friends are here for you.
And I'm here. Always.
I love you, April.
Be well, my sweet, precious girl, and be good to your tender, vulnerable heart.
Hugs & love,
Cass
I have a daughter, but she grew up a daughter and by the time this sort of thing could happen, she was wise beyond her years when it came to men. You seem to be getting a crash course dear April and it is not fair or right.
ReplyDeleteNo platitudes for you. You are adventurous and strong and If Cass is right (and I know Cass and she is wise beyond her years) you are going to take from this experience what you need and you will move on and be even stronger.
If I could, I'd be a mother for you and be there to look you in the eyes and tell you all of this, then give you a huge hug and watch proudly as you find new love and perhaps express it and deal with it differently.
Oh, and I almost forgot to tell you how awesome those Jack 'o lanterns are! I'm going to file those photos away for ideas next year.
DeleteNever trust a guy who drives a Corvette! A girl who drives a Corvette, well that is another matter.
ReplyDeleteBetter to have tried and failed than to have never tried at all because then you would have the worse pain of regret for never trying...
BTW, doctors are not as bright as they expect us to think they are!
Oh boy that sucks. Sorry, I hope you find another guy soon.
ReplyDelete