Do I Really Feel I Am A Woman?

In the back of my mind there is a niggling doubt, an inch I don't want to scratch. But as important dates loom on the horizon no mental rock should be left in turned. A long drive to a film shoot north of the city the other day let me ponder the question to my satisfaction.

Do I really feel I am a woman?

No, BUT let me clarify, I know my soul, mind, essence, what have you is predominantly female. It is so female that I cannot live as male anymore.

It has been that way my entire life, but forty plus years of learning how to act male (to pass ha ha) cannot be forgotten or discarded over night.

The mere existence of all of us here is the triumph of nature over nurture.

I expect once I go full time I will feel an outsider that I am to an extent pretending, just as I have always felt trying to fit in as a boy then a man.

But it is a role that I think I will soon feel comfortable in, to quickly grow into.

I look forward to becoming the woman I always knew I should have been.

Then I can answer Yes 100%!

Here is horror movie actress Victoria De Mare, with the Kim Fowley produced World's On Fire, not a great record but a perfect pop song, I could imagine anyone from the Shirelles to the Ramones singing this.

Brought the Jaguar XJS hot rod home (she has a 94 LT1 V8 with a 3.55 rear axle) and is rather loud. I will likely sell her but it would be nice to get her roadworthy and licensed and to terrorize the local 5.0 Mustangs…at least for a little while….a girl can dream. No that is not my car, the lemon yellow XJS is Purdey's car in the New Avengers.

A Texas Funeral

If you have seen Kill Bill part 2 this is the scene where The Bride, (Uma Thurman) is buried alive as a particularly cruel method of execution. Bud, Bill's brother describes it as a Texas funeral.

That movie scene is the name I have given my own feelings of claustrophobia. I don't believe I am more or less claustrophobic than the next person, I have only felt the fear of enclosed spaces on occasion say when jammed under a car and felt I had to get out.

Over the last few weeks I have woken up or had trouble sleeping, my skin crawling down to my finger nails. One night I awoke and felt I actually had to cut my nails.

It is an overwhelming sense of claustrophobia. I feel I am buried alive, drowning that I cannot breath. I feel the onset of mindless panic that I am on the edge of the abyss and that panic and insanity will follow.

Instead of the cool determination of Kill Bills protagonist who uses her kung fu training to escape I feel that I will give in to panic.

The other night I awoke at 4:00AM with these feelings. I walked around the house on my nightgown, but I could not shake the feeling of claustrophobia. Eventually I changed and went for a long walk in the predawn darkness. It helped, tiring myself out I could fall back to sleep.

Even watching TV sometimes I see something that makes me uncomfortable and I have to leave. J and I were watching House Hunters International, the topic was Amsterdam boat houses. During a tour of a particularly cramped example had to leave the room.

It is difficult even to write these words without feeling the encroaching sense of dread. A feeling that I cannot abide my own body and want to tear at myself in frustration.

I think (April puts on her amateur psychiatrist hat) that it is not exactly claustrophobia but a symptom of my own anxiety about work and transitioning…. panic attack?

The other day I endured an hour of electrolysis, OMG I prefer laser, painful but quick. Electrolysis is drawn out torture. I was worried that claustrophobic panic would set in. After half fifteen minutes of sitting still under that hot magnifying light, I was ready up bolt. The technician set up a fan and gave me a break and I made it to the end of the session.

I felt good about making it through the session and generally positive that day and was able too fall asleep without feeling I was being sealed up in a coffin.

I am still a little fearful of going to bed as the last couple of attacks were so awful.Trying to employ positive thinking to help me relax and fall asleep. Also returned to exercising later in the evening to ensure I fall asleep.

Jeez how screwed up can one person be?

Three Topics No Waiting

Hot Rod Girl

I have written before about my use of old cars as an avoidance mechanism.

My mood can still be determined in many ways by my car projects. A hobby and form of art appreciation I love but I have to realize that it can also be a crutch to avoid dealing with other issues.

Throwing myself into one of my latest projects, usually the resurrection of some hopeless case I find some peace and reward, plus sometimes a degree of control over my environment.

However if the project does not go as planned I can come down hard emotionally, partly because I am emotionally involved with the car in question but that I have failed to continue to mask the issues I was running from and now it comes roaring back.... plus I have a car in pieces.

How did I come to this epiphany, waiting in the forecourt of a transmission repair shop at 7:30AM like a patient awaiting the results of medical tests. It was not good. Later in the day tears of frustration as I tried to work out which to sell, which to keep, what had to be fixed. Like I said this should not be the priority.

Weekend Update

Busy as usual changed the plugs and wires on the Electra, power steering hose and flush on the Eldorado (waste of time), little bit of dry wall repair, hanging a blind, groceries shopping, taking children bike riding and even some barbecuing, bacon wrapped hot dogs and baked potatoes, came out well if I say so myself.

Not really enough time to get out as April. Normally such a three week drought would make me both miserable and grumpy, but the promise of September has kept me sane.

Film Review

Watched Sucker Punch the other night with my brother. I would generally agree with the reviews that it is not a great film. The story is a little weak but the visuals are excellent. Especially the steam punk WWI scenes. Zeppelins, zombies, anachronistic weaponry what's not like. Plus an all girl cast of heroines.

I did like the closing line repeated from earlier in the film by the guardian or angel character, as a non new age piece of spiritual advice, perhaps with particular relevance for a transsexual/transgender audience.

"Who chains us and who holds the key that can set us free? It's you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!"

Here is the deleted big musical dance number:

The animated back story to the trenches scene:

Voice Command

The hair is coming along but I know a weakness is my voice. I have been reluctant to practice because I do not want to sound foolish or to teach myself bad habits.

I have appointments with two different voice coaches coming up but experiencing delays in getting an appointment. One because of the delays associated with socialized medicine and the other caused by an in demand private practice.

I have experimented with recording my voice on my new iPhone and was relatively happy with the results. However, in the days leading up to going full time and in advance of my appointments I want to start practicing in earnest.

Does anyone know of any on line, mail order, books etc that they would recommend from personal experience?

Last Of Many?

Had a meeting with a locally published car magazine today to discuss partnership opportunities. I wore a suit, perhaps for the last time, there will likely be a few more face to face meetings before September but as more and more work is done "virtually" or just over the phone (there is that voice issue again) it could actually be a last time.

I guess there are lots of last times coming up and then a whole bunch of firsts after that. It is an odd thought, full of nostalgia but not regret. Kind of like hanging up an old suit of armour after a particularly bloody war.

Hugs,

April

Here is Dave Edmunds with Girls Talk:

The same song live and a little faster, preceded by a great interview with a very well spoken Dave:

He Ain't Heavy

OK I am determined to get another post in this week, can you believe at one time I was almost able to do this daily. I am so busy but seem to achieve so little. My brother is visiting from Japan this month, it is great to see him again. I miss him but don't realize how much until we have these rare vistas.

I picked him up with my dad on Tuesday but didn't get a chance to speak with him at length until last night. Long day yesterday, stayed up late writing the night before then helped out on a photo shoot. No I was not the model but I can see how you might think so LOL.

After dinner and getting children to bed and cleaning up a bike we are giving away I zipped over in the latest press car to see my brother. So what was I driving, a press car from Mercedes, a SL55 finished in satin silver. Not my usual cup of tea but it would be unfair to say it is not a superlative automobile. I still like my transport to have a little more patina.

We took the roadster for a cruise around town which gave us the opportunity to talk about the elephant in the room….me…being trans. He knows already, reads the blog and is supportive, so I couldn't ask for more. Despite being dog tired and fighting a summer cold I was glad to be able to have the chance to fill in a few more details.

It was interesting to get his take on things too, "but the models tanks and cars…the Battle and 2000AD comic books growing up". I know it does not seem make sense but solitary guy interests seem to be a common feature of growing up trans (MtoF). It was a shock to him, as a younger brother I helped influence his tastes and who he is, so I can imagine it must be a bit like having one's personal foundations given a good shake.

I hope we get the chance to talk more over the next few days. Bottom line I have a great brother. And no that is not him in the photo.

Here is a great tune by the punk/rockabilly/tudor? band Tenpole Tudor that he hipped me to:

Hugs,

April

A New Post or Just Think About Shoes...

A New Post Part I

Two months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yikes

Well kinda less than two months, I am planning to go full time in September.

I feel I should be doing so much more. I likely will not have a voice appointment till almost September and I am still trying to get rid of white facial hairs. I had a laser session last Tuesday evening. Waiting to book the next electrolysis session.

I really need to make a list of tasks to do (plus people to tell) and start crossing things off.

There is the rest of the family, neighbours, name change on official documents and of course more clothes. I just need more casual items plus a few things for business meetings. I am sure "J" will disagree. You see a number of items no longer fit and were bought when passing in a typical work setting seemed like light years away.

I am so excited and happy but also scared witless and I guess I can hardly believe I am doing it. I still think preparing myself mentally is most important,... that and long hair! Kept getting paint in it last week when painting the oldest daughter's bedroom. It also gets in my eyes when I work on the cars, which is somewhat less frequent these days.

It is getting easier telling people, though I don't look forward to telling my mother in law, brother in law and his wife.

A New Post Part II

I have not blogged in over a week mea culpa, I had written a post or two but never put them up as my mood changed and they seemed out of date. Life was getting in the way of my angst.

I continue to worry about my work and have been spending time in the evenings trying to get more done, especially when the creative writing of proposals is called for. As a result I have had less time to write on personal matters. In addition being extra busy at work and at home tends to keep the GID temporarily at bay.

I get frustrated that I cannot get out as April but am comforted by the knowledge that her time will soon be here.

Eldorado Update

The 75 Cadillac Fleetwood Eldorado coupe is now legal with a new set of "historic" license plates. The gargantuan 500 cubic inch (8.2 litters) V8 is running well. Initial runs around the block and down the nearest service road have not left me stranded. Fly in the ointment is that the FWD turbo hydramatic transmission seems to be shifting late. A rebuild is expensive (more than the old girl is worth) so I certainly hope it is just an adjustment issue or a matter of a fluid and filter change. Damn all i can think of is transmissions now… I hate having a one track mind. Think about shoes instead….

The lead photo is a GM publicity still celebrating Damsels in Design. The corporations first VP of Design, the legendary Harley J. Earl was by all accounts a tough boss but apparently more than just a visionary in area of automotive styling. GM employed a number of female designers in the fifties, I would love to know more about their experiences.

Hugs,

April

A Question of Confidence

It has been a week since I visited CAMH, time is flying by and I feel that September and the planned date for going full time will be here before I know it.

Friday is already Canada Day and the summer solstice has come and gone, so many things to do, cars to sell, the Corvette still has not come out of hibernation. We are finally coming to grips with moving around the children's bedrooms and a quick repaint of the oldest's room seems like planning for D-Day when every day life is constantly getting in the way.

My focus has been on work work work primarily and although it has taken my attention away from any transition issues it means that I am not obsessing about what the neighbours or remaining relatives will think. I am afraid I have a very one track mind and tend to fixate on single issues.

I also cannot help worrying about employment and what will happen if I am not successful in helping the company grow and have to look for a new gig as April.

I feel rightly or not that a successful initial transition (going full time) is very much dependent on mental preparedness, at least for me. I wish I passed every time without question, even with FSS and SRS I expect that will not always be the case.

A projection of confidence and self assurance in our true gender is perhaps the most important ingredient. I know I see that in the reaction to some of my more fearless friends.

Believe it or not my confidence is slowly improving, especially as my hair grows longer and the hormones promote changes in body and mind. I am not as timorous in public but still have a long way to go. Work and family life mean that I do not get out as much as I would like as April and I fear that September will be a something of a trial by fire and less like slipping seamlessly into a new identity. To paraphrase on an old statistics professor trials and suffering are good for you.

The Eldorado continues its slow march towards getting licensed. A trip to the Ministry of Transportation offices resulted in disappointment on Saturday. I had gotten up early and headed out the door but still faced a line up even before they opened their doors at 9:00 Am. Despite a safety certificate (like an MOT), proof of insurance, invoice and original ownership it turned out I didn't have the proper Ministry approved appraisal form…for tax purposes of course.

I was happier with the above photo from Saturday as my hair looked better in my opinion. I also love the top, seems to be very French.

Well from France to Italy, here is Mina with Bang Bang from 1967. Mina is an Italian pop legend who was on the scene from the late fifties to the missed seventies. From wikipedia: Mina dominated the Italian charts for fifteen years and reached an unsurpassed level of popularity in Italy. She has scored 77 albums and 71 singles on the Italian charts.

I actually like her take better than Nancy Sinatra, Tarantino should have used this version in Kill Bill.

Hugs,

April