I've Been Up, I've Been Down

But mostly down….I apologize have been awol , I have not had the heart to post anything for a while. I have at least a half dozen aborted blog posts on my phone or in my handy dandy note book.

Where have I been , in Toronto at two different voice clinics getting cameras shoved up my nose and down my throat. The first I went too as April, still not happy with my hair but hiding behind a big pair of sunglasses I braved the big city and the crowds at the TIFF film festival never garnering any untoward glances as far as I could tell.

Next trip was as him as I had a two meetings to attend after but were then cancelled.

Job is still unstable and I have had to face the probability that it will not be there much longer if the company cannot afford to keep me. Great timing right?

All my fears were coming to pass, just transitioned and fresh out of work and frakkin unemployable. I felt sick with fear. I fell into serious depression and thoughts of suicide capered obscenely inside my head.

The ever present loss of employment (lived with for ten years) caused a major mental crisis. I have like many (men especially) derived 99.9% of my identity and self worth by what I do. I am the VP of Marketing. I hate to fail at anything, I caught myself saying that I would rather die than fail...

Changing genders/sex is one thing, but loosing what I thought made me, me was like having my very identity stripped from me and incredibly painful. Once again I have to give credit to "J" who has managed to keep her head on while others loose theirs.

I think I have passed through they eye of the hurricane for now and have managed to start to distance myself/ego/id from what I do to earn a living. I will also be asking my doctor for help, I have resisted for so long despite the pleas of family and friends. I should be thankful that it is hard to own a hand gun in Canada.

Today is cool but sunny and a little of my old confidence has returned, still a long way to go but time to take that first step.

April

Rock out with The Chesterfield Kings:

Witchcraft

As the King says, My head is spinning around and around, indeed I had to drop off the Electra yesterday and pick up a new Lincoln MKX "crossover". The guy in charge of press vehicles said "A" you looked totally stressed what's wrong.... ha ha what us wrong indeed!!!! Got an hour or two? Soon all will be revealed.

Busy day started at a major hospital in down Toronto with a morning appointment with a ENT (ear, nose, throat) specialist in order to obtain a referral to their voice clinic. Due to Toronto's world class traffic jams I left hours ahead of my appointment in order to ensure I was not delayed. As I also had work to do in the city I stayed in male mode.

I had been attempting to get this appointment since May. Apparently I had fallen through a crack in the space time continuum. Luckily, a compassionate staffer took pity on me and helped shepherd my application through the bureaucracy.

I will be going back for my first appointment with the voice clinic on Monday… as April! Big city, huge facility , lots of people! Wish me luck, Note to self, get used to it this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.

If you permit me dear constant reader a little aside on Elvis, Witchcraft, from which I quote is just part of the great sixties output of the King. The B side of Bossa Nova Baby released in 1963. Sure it does not hold a candle to the amazing Rockabilly of the Sun Sessions, essentially the atomic blast creation of rock n' roll

OK before I get off track totally Elvis put out some amazing music throughout the sixties, buried on b sides or movie sound track albums are nuggets of pure gold. Even now after first discovering the king years after his passing I am still stumbling on cool tunes I have not heard before.

The end of September approaches like a freight train, still so much to do, there are so many 'guy" things I want to finish, car repairs (make 76 Lincoln Mark IV winter ready), clear out of the shed and garage etc etc. Really should I worry it would not be feminine to do these things as April.

I am beginning to loose control of the coming out process, my mother set out to inform a relative about me. It turns out they knew for some time?!? Apparently a clue I had intentionally dropped months ago was more than successfully picked up upon.

Running Free

I seem to be crying all the time, everything sets me off, a sad song or story in the newspaper. I know the hormones make one more emotional but really!

I am so stressed by the thought of going full time, I am so scared That I will be a fool a freak. Work my family cars etc it all seems too much sometimes.

Work and Depression:

Worries about work especially have me depressed, I do not want to have just gone full time and a few weeks later not have a job. I am trying so hard but progress is slow. A deal I had been working on did not go the way I wanted it to and I was literally on the floor in a fetal position.

Thank God "J" was able to talk be out of it, after work she suggested we all go the movies and out to dinner, it made a world of difference. She has shown incredible patience.

"J"'s car, the family truckster, we depend upon so much to shepherd the children around suffered a minor setback, worried it was fatal I lapsed back into depression.

I got out yesterday evening with friends, Genni and Natasha. The opportunity to be me made a huge difference. I think I even smiled.

Long Time Gone:

I should be so happy (and part of me is, part of me wants to sing) but part is in mourning for the loss of titles; husband, father, son, brother…the old me on my death bed. It is if I am attending my own funeral.

No black marble pyramid, eternal flame or Cadillacs sixteen coaches long….sorry an in joke.

These are NOT doubts, I know in my heart and mind what I want to do, what I must do. Today I am feeling OK but on Friday I had tears in my eyes. I am sure there will be more up and downs as the clock counts down. I should not complain, it is not cancer, it is not a death sentence, it is only going full time, not even surgery.

Still I am so scared...

Here is the Dave Alvin song I heard that drove me to tears, you have been warned:

Hugs,

April

PS. Photo taken at 1:00 PM, rushed out to see a friend for coffee mid week, 15 min to get ready

My reputation proceeds me….

No not what you think.

I had a knock on my door Friday, a strange man with a cane stood there and asked if I was he. (Sounds like the beginning to a mystery novel)

Being in male mode I admitted who I was. He had been told by the friend of a friend who is a mechanic that I am into old cars, especially Cadillacs. He had a nice 85 Seville for sale cheap and wanted to know if I was interested .

The 85 Seville is the last of the bustle back generation, a love it or hate it design. I love it of course ("J" called it a chick car as it has four doors) but saddled with the unreliable 4.1 litre V8.

ZMOG! Talk about chagrined, really I am trying to get rid of 50% of my fleet not acquire more, but I am so tempted to just have a look. I wonder if there is a 12 step program?

Work, family and an upcoming laser session (holding off shaving) till Tuesday means that I will have not gone out for at least three weeks! The dysphoria is building up to unbearable levels, however I have managed to keep in what passes for a pleasant mood for me and have not slipped into dark depression. Mostly as I have September to plan and look forward to.

Last night I met up with Genni and Natasha, at first I just stayed in my car in the parking lot as I did not want to join them looking like a guy. Eventually I went in but it took a while for my mood to lift. I am glad I went as we had a good chat and I felt better for having connected with friends who can see the real me.

Hugs,

April

Woodward Ave and Other Stuff

An eventful Motown trip, delays at the border (getting sent to secondary), huge storm that almost shut down the Dream Cruise) broken camera equipment etc etc

Customs officer says after looking at my passport, you gave me the wrong one. No that is me or was me I answer. My boss in soto voice says wait till you see her next month.

Still a blast, filmed a beautiful Lincoln Mark III for a feature segment, hope I am not tempting the fates by saying it should look great on the small screen.

Not as much time at the cruise as I would have liked as we ran long shooting the Lincoln. We still got some good footage for a short TV segment.

My favourite car was a fifties rat rod Buick hearse and a 77 Eldorado that had chopped rear springs, something about the speed boat rake just made that car look so bad, you know good. Ran after that one but could not catch up to take a good photo before she was swallowed up by traffic.

Even more car stuff, out at the race track yesterday! Only my second time behind the wheel, this time in the Corvette. Up at the crack of dawn to retrieve my 75 Eldorado which may well go as part of the great car purge of 2011.

Transition Stuff:

As to all that transition stuff, oh where to begin. The long time together in the car allowed my boss and I discuss my transition and how and when April makes her first official work appearance. There is a big racing event coming up in October, where I will meet with our US employees, meet with the president of our biggest client and attend a formal dinner!

All very exciting and quite terrifying as it will be only be two or three weeks after going full time.

"J" had told two more important people in our life. One couple we have not know since university reacted with tears. I can understand their reaction as they were mourning the loss of us as a couple and perhaps me as male. Such sadness is in some ways even harder to deal with than rejection or bigotry.

I am trying hard to focus on the positives of becoming who I really am but the sadness I cause in others who find themselves unwitting passengers on this road tempers that joy.

Hugs,

April

Enjoy Bo Diddley and the Duchess as they perform Let Me Pass, it's about cars not well you know...

Detroit Bound Again….

Off to my favourite city on the planet for the Dream Cruise.

It is a business trip so boss and camera man in tow. So no opportunity to hit the town as April. Oh well I am still excited, we will be shooting a feature on the cruise and a mint Lincoln Mark III.

As we are working on a tight schedule I will not be travelling down in one of my vintage cars, I would have loved to have taken the Mark IV or the Caddy. The Corvette is just too low to brave the potholes. We will have a brand new Chrysler Town & Country, nice and as close as I can get to a new Imperial.

The Dream Cruise celebrates the traditional cruising (dare I say street racing) on Woodward Avenue that became legendary around the country. In the sixties it would not be uncommon to see engineers from the big three surreptitiously testing out one of their latest creations against local hot rodders.

Every kind of car you could ever hope to see will be there, as they say just imagine what you want to see next and it will cruise by a few moments later.

It will be a bit painful to be trapped in guy mode in such fun environment but soon, soon… Maybe next year as April in the Stutz Blackhawk if I can get my act together and finish restoring it.

Of course the above photo is not me….but I see how you could be confused, she is sitting in Stutz number 1!

Taking a meta view this celebration of automotive exuberance is important in a historical perspective, it reminds us what we are capable of. The ability to create functional artwork that drives personal freedom, upward mobility and a vibrant economy. To borrow a line from Mark Steyn;

"When a society loses its memory, it descends inevitably into dementia."

In this era of fear we must remember what those before us achieved and strive to throw off the mental shackles of supposed decline.

Hugs,

April

Failed My First Test

I finally had the chance to see my therapist for a session. I felt that I had been doing well but he immediately picked up on some back sliding on my part.

I am literally always apologizing, "why are you doing that?" he asked.

True, I have been giving away my power to others, always seeking their approval or permission to even exist. Shrinking into myself instead of being confident in who I am and what I have achieved. "You have the support of all the people that really matter, family, children, work".

"Why are you so worried about everyone else?"

I do not need their permission or approval to be April to be transsexual. I have worked hard and fought to make it to the brink of going full time. I can be confident in who I am. I do not owe an apology for who I am to the rest of the world.

I had forgotten an important lesson from when I had started therapy, to move forward in transition focusing on love and on the positive. That I will be a happier, better and stronger person than I ever was.

Unfortunately I failed my first test. Two blocks away, after the session, I pulled up to a traffic light, a slammed Honda rolled to a stop next to me, the young guy in the passengers seat leans over and says, "Is that a Mark IV" I nod my head silently.

See I was kind of in between genders, girl, jeans black t shirt, bra and heart necklace, but no make up, hair a mess from riding around with the sunroof open. Also I had not shaved as I have an electrolysis session the next day. "J" says she cannot see anything but I feel the hairs are visible.

Then he says, its a 72 right? I manage a weak yes. "Sick wheels!" I smile and nod some more. It seems like an eternity for the light to go green. They do not laugh or point. In guy mode I would have immediately engaged him in conversation and we would still be there yakking about old cars.

Next time I will do better.

The Ronettes because I love this song and Bettie Page because even though it was not her reality she seemed to exude such personality and strength in every photo.

Hugs,

April