Zombie Christmas Time....its the most wonderful time of the year. Relationships as a woman are complicated, I know it sounds stupid when I write it. I don't think I expected smooth sledding (how is that for a Canadianism). In fact I didn't expect to have any relationships at all.

Relationships as a woman are complicated, I know it sounds stupid when I write it. I don't think I expected smooth sledding (how is that for a Canadianism). In fact I didn't expect to have any relationships at all.

Simply living as who I was supposed to be was enough for me. But secretly I hoped that I would be able to find someone to spend my new life with.

I have been lucky to have a choice of dates but it seems that all too often I am attracted to people who aren't attracted to me and vice versa.  I connected with the Vette driving doctor who broke my heart at Halloween and a few brief texts cast be back into despair. I expected the black wave of depression to wash over me at Christmas, it came a little early.

I had a really tough Monday, long dark night of the soul and all that rot, took a sleeping pill to quiet my mind. Well I'm still here, like Rocky, ready to take more punches, too stupid to know when to quit.    

It's not that I'm strong I just have some true friends.

a room with a view, photo above is me trying to do my best forties movie star look 

Merry Christmas to all my trans brothers and sisters out there, the bravest of the brave, the ones that never give up and keep on reaching for the stars when we are sitting on our asses in the mud.

2015 is ours for the taking, or in lieu of perhaps just a small south American country

Love you all.

enjoy some zombie Christmas cheer from the Dollyrots:

Merry Christmas .... You Filthy Animals ok ok ....I had great plans to post something everyday leading up to Christmas but working in retail means that this time of year is madness. Once I'm home (and still some dilating necessary) I am too beat to do more than crawl into bed.

ok ok ....I had great plans to post something everyday leading up to Christmas but working in retail means that this time of year is madness. Once I'm home (and still some dilating necessary) I am too beat to do more than crawl into bed.

Oh yeah I almost forgot.....I hate Christmas!

The over commercialisation, the pressure to create a perfect holiday, the perfect gifts the perfect meal, etc etc. The damned expense!!!! A December to Remember.....if I see one more luxury car commercial with a red bow I will go  nuclear.

Heck, I love luxury cars but who gives $100,000 vehicles like they were sweaters. Mercedes and Lexus I'm looking at you.

Seriously, the season on the whole makes me depressed, I've never been a fan. The separation of my family and only getting to see my daughters for half of the day, being a guest in my former home is difficult and emotionally trying.

I know a lot of "normal" people feel the same way, the malls are filled with grumpy, surly and sometimes downright rude shoppers. The roads and mall parking lots alike are like a scene from Death Race 2000.

Today was the Christmas pageant at my ex's church (as Groucho said, I would not want to be a member of any club that would have me as a member). I got to attend and surprisingly didn't spontaneously combust upon crossing the threshold.

I think I do know why I have always hated the holidays. It is an emotional time. Before transition it was the pain of hiding who I was and now it is the loss of that prior normalcy. The nuclear family, the white picket fence, the perfect family Christmas.

But even my grinch like heart can feel what is still good about Christmas on the day, visiting as many family and friends as I can cram into 24 hours. That I look forward to.

Merry Christmas.....you filthy animals

the Plaza Hotel in Niagara Falls, Miss Monroe stayed in room 801when filming Niagara in 1953 

a rather wetter blonde

Heart of Ashes….or how I was dumped on Halloween. I went on a date last Friday and it only ended a week later. A whirlwind romance that gave me my first taste of real happiness.

a happier time

Heart of Ashes….or how I was dumped on Halloween

I went on a date last Friday and it only ended a week later. A whirl wind romance that gave me my first taste of real happiness. 

A doctor who drove a Corvette, liked some of same music, someone I had so much in common with, we clicked from the minute we met.

The emotional and physical closeness was intoxicating. Like a junkie on heroin I couldn’t get enough after my first fix.

Normally I am a glass half empty kinda gal who moves carefully I followed their lead and flew too close to the sun. We tried to spend every minute we could together, then on Halloween night it was over, I still don’t fully understand the reasons, I guess it doesn’t matter why just that it is over and it wasn’t my decision.

I cannot describe the hurt, I had only recently dug my way painfully out of depression and now I find myself in an even lower level of hell. The day before I remember being in my car and thinking that all the pain of the last few months and years was worth it since I finally found true happiness.

I was stupid happy like my BFF Cass says, they even accepted my past history with empathy. I was bursting with joy, I drove too fast and played the much too loud, not with my usual death wish but out of sheer unadulterated happiness.

Instead it was snatched away the next day. I wish I had never known what it feels like to be happy as now I will crave it like a drug. I am going through terrible withdrawal pains. I have howled and cried and cursed God at the unfairness of it all.

My friends say I am strong and that I am a fighter but I have taken a serious blow and I don’t know if I can get up again. 

One of my favorite sad songs.... 

 

the four pumpkins of the apocalypse, i carved for the children

my Corvette Stingray inspired pumpkin

RED HOT (or perhaps just wildly warm)

 Red dress, date night....

Brian Setzer doing the classic Billy Lee Riley tune, My Gal Is Red Hot....

Plastic Phantastic, In which I refer to my Corvette not any surgeries I may have had ;)

We are having a summer after all, a spate of beautiful early fall days that have been hot and sunny. Yesterday I had some errands to run and it seemed too good a day not to take out the Corvette.

Like me she is somewhat “customized”. She has a SharkBite coil over conversion so corners well but rides rough on city streets. On a smooth highway it feels awesome.

Being of English extraction I am not given to emotional outburts but heading home after visiting my friend Tasha, who took the photos BTW I pulled onto the QEW and rocketed into the fast lane, T roofs off and the radio blasting rockabilly….I couldn’t resist and let out yell of pure joy.   

 

The adrenalin rush was intense, once home and the small block cooling off in the driveway I was bouncing around the house like Tigger on speed. 

Where is My Rainbow Coloured Flying Skittle Pooping Unicorn? Ok apologises are necessary for my absence. It seems as if it is a truism that once someone has had surgery that their transition blog dies a slow death.

 

I totally understand why, one is now a woman in full and the soul searching is over, stealth and normal life is what is important.

Well my life is still far from normal and I still have some things to say, nor do I wish to say goodbye to all my friends on this site.

The last month has been one of the most stressful of my life. I moved the last of my possessions from my old home (throwing away many many car parts I collected over the years). Moving is always difficult but it was closing a fifteen year chapter in my life that took the real emotional toll.

Going through a life times memories stretching back to my school days in England, to marriage and children made it seem more like cleaning up after the death of a loved one. And in some ways I guess it was.

The last month also saw the end or rather transformation of a relationship with a close friend. I was more devastated than I could have previously imagined.

My relationship with my ex also hit an all time low, just going back to my old home made me feel sick.

Music, cars, history anything I felt passionate about felt grey and lifeless.

These events conspired to push me back into the darkest depths of depression, it was all I could do to get up and go to work, blogging was a bridge too far. Despite the cost I sought professional help from my therapist and doctor.

A big shout out to Cassidy for listening, responding to my texts and just being there for me.

I wish I could say that all that pain is behind me now and that I am moving forward on the back of a rainbow coloured flying unicorn that poops skittles. It feels more like climbing Mt. Everest but at least I am moving up!

I have more to say about dating and relationships but that will be for later in the week.

Hugs,

April

Big Hunk of Love...always one of my favourite Elvis songs, here is an incendiary cover by the Jim Jones Revue

   

 

Not Worthy....Wow a second post within only two days… let me check if hell has frozen over. My previously discussed problems has driven me back kicking and screaming to therapy.

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Wow a second post within only two days… let me check if hell has frozen over.

My previously discussed problems has driven me back kicking and
screaming to therapy. Despite the cost it is well worth it, I am
broken and need to be fixed. I want to use some a car analogy here.

If I am the car, to continue to drive without repair would only damage
the vehicle to the point of complete mechanical failure.

My therapist recommended that journal my thoughts about the
session….well this blog is my journal. The idea of writing something
for private consumption seems pointless. So thanks for reading, dear
constant readers.

Lets me see what I can remember,

First of all I am still grieving the loss of not just the recent still
born relationship but also my prior relationship with my ex and for my
old life, however flawed it was. Grieving is the right word I am
heartbroken, sad and angry all at the same time. Still working to
reach the acceptance stage.

The real takeaway from the session was that I couldn’t love anyone
fully until I could love myself. In my marriage I could not give
myself fully as I could not love as a woman and kept the best part of
me buried.

Even with transition I could not give myself over to love as I hated
myself. I despised my weaknesses and could not forgive my perceived
career failures. I was consumed by feelings of shame and guilt over
being transsexual.

I believed that the loss of this relationship meant that no one would
ever love me.

I believed I was not worthy of anyone loving me.

I feared I was expendable and I would loose the little security I had regained in my life.

I was scared and powerless.

No wonder that the recent emotional turmoil combined with other
stresses in my life drove me to the brink of madness and suicide. I’m
not frakkin’ exaggerating with you people….it was touch and go.

I understand intellectually that I deserve love and that I am a good
person but feeling that in my heart is a struggle and will take some
work to achieve. As my BFF Cass said, a lifetime of self-loathing
takes time to overcome.

This is a first step.

Nothing profound in my musical choice just the Beach Boys pounding out Dance Dance Dance
.....they look like they are really having fun....joyous