Friday, threw needless distractions at me like a long day at work and a few fires to put out. Then the left rear drum stuck on my Lincoln, think it was an over adjusted shoe, you see I just had the axle seal replaced...wait wrong blog.
Finally after dinner and doing the dishes it was time to tell my eleven year old daughter. She is very sensitive, intelligent and very much the full fledged teenager already. I had written down what I wanted to say and did my best not to refer to my notes. I walked slowly to her room as it my feet were made of lead.
I told her I had something important to discuss but relax she wasn’t in trouble. I began by asking her if she knew what the term gender referred to. She did and from there I talked about how in the vast majority of people their physical gender matches who they in their head and heart. However, in some people there is a mismatch between who they are physically and who they are in the head.
At this point I could tell she was getting very upset, asking what was wrong she said that was that what she was?....oh no already making a mess of things, “No honey I am not talking about you, it is me who is one of those people”. I explained that some scientists believe that being transgendered is due to the development of the brain in the womb. I told her transgendered men and womwn struggle every day and that their gender dysphoria makes them very sad.
But we are lucky today there are medicines and surgery that allow people like me to make our bodies match our soul. This is what I would be doing, in fact I had already started. Not tomorrow but in the near future I would look different, like a woman, however I will always be your dad that I love you more than anything, that I am so proud that you are my daughter.
She started to cry, no sob, I felt my heart break into a million pieces. I wanted to run away to call her mother to comfort her but I could take the easy way out. We continued to talk, she was most upset by the thought of change and that I would look different and therefore be a different person. I assured her that inside I would always be her dad, that I still liked the same things but becoming who I always wanted to be would make me a better person and better parent. I would not be sad and angry all the time.
It sounds bad but she actually took things very well, by the end of our talk we were joking and hugging. I am so impressed by her understanding given my flawed description. Part of her sadness was imaging how difficult it was for me growing up as a boy when I knew I was really a girl, that she wanted me to finally be happy. I cannot begin the express my admiration at the depth of her understanding and empathy. I find that there are few adults who can even imagine the feeling of a Trans person, they are more concerned with how it will affect them etc.
Despite the overall positive reception I was thrown by her tears and when I went to update my SO I must have looked like I had blown it, I kind of felt that way. Pandemonium reigned upstairs as the youngest two were just finishing a bath and the youngest had managed to bloody the others nose with her elbow. My SO went to talk with the eleven year old while I got the other two to bed.
Comparing notes later we argued, she was mad I had not been prepared for the reaction I got, guilty as charged. I had thought so much about what I was going to say I didn’t take into consideration all the possible outcomes. In fact I was avoiding thinking about reactions as I didn't want to imagine the best ones and therefore be disappointed. I was angry at myself and angry at my SO for what I felt was not enough support from her on this most important day. We kept talking around each other and before I knew it the dark tentacles of depression began to steal around my heart. That old familiar feeling of not wanting to do anything enveloped me and I lay on the couch feeling sorry for myself and letting the dark thoughts flood over me. Finally my SO woke me from fitful semi consciousness at 5:00 AM and I crawled into bed.
The next morning we talked some more, she told me that our eldest actually took things very well and she was sorry she was angry, that it is hard for her too. I apologized too, time for a new page and clean start on Saturday morning.
We made pancakes together from scratch. After breakfast t I told the younger daughters, ages seven and almost four. Needless to say it went a lot easier. I doubt the four year old really understands and had seemed to have forgotten our little chat the next day. The seven year old did comprehend the potential changes and had a couple of questions, then asked if she could look at all my clothes, see my painted toe nails oh and could we go shopping. She is my little fashionista!
I want to continue to stress to the children that my transition is a joyful process for me and that we can all move forward in love.
To reinforce we are still a family we decided to take a trip to near by Niagara Falls and do all sorts of cheesy tourist things, haunted houses, mini golf and rides. We visited Ripley’s Believe It or Not (actually quite fun) played glow in the dark golf, walked down Clifton Hill to the falls, took lots of photos with all the other tourists from Japan, Germany and around the world. Later we had dinner at the Rainforest Cafe. It was pouring with rain when we left the restaurant and we made a dash back to the Chrysler Town & Country mini van. We all looked like drowned rats. Traffic was still heavy even after 10:00PM. The girls watch the first Harry Potter movie on the drive back, a family favorite. Everyone had a great time and we still have tickets for a few other attractions that we will use later. We plan to go back in September before the end of the season.
The eleven year old confessed to her mother that she was feeling a little depressed the next day. I did my best to spend the day with her; we went grocery shopping (how exciting I hear you say) picked up the latest Harry Potter movie on DVD for a movie night.
One of my SO’s biggest complaints is that I would avoid getting up the middle of the night when one of the children called as I was wearing a nightie and didn’t want them to see. No more excuses as they have seen me that way now!
I did get a chance to go out for coffee with a girl friend last night. I did not leave home dressed as it was still daylight (gosh I sound like Vampira or something) but I did tell the children where I was going and made sure I painted my nails before I left…hate doing them at the last minute all the time.
The plan is to gradually introduce April into every day family life, jeans and a top around the house slow working up to them seeing me present fully as April. Now Halloween is coming up so who knows, a witch perhaps or maybe Bellatrix Lestrange (Harry Potter fans will know of whom I speak).
So how did it go? Both good and bad but overall much better than I could have possibly hoped for. I am under no illusions that all is said and done. Difficulties can still arise; the oldest obviously doesn’t want the other children at her school finding out. Girls can be so cruel at that age.
Another giant step forward, really does anyone else’s opinion matter after ones immediate family?
Finally after dinner and doing the dishes it was time to tell my eleven year old daughter. She is very sensitive, intelligent and very much the full fledged teenager already. I had written down what I wanted to say and did my best not to refer to my notes. I walked slowly to her room as it my feet were made of lead.
I told her I had something important to discuss but relax she wasn’t in trouble. I began by asking her if she knew what the term gender referred to. She did and from there I talked about how in the vast majority of people their physical gender matches who they in their head and heart. However, in some people there is a mismatch between who they are physically and who they are in the head.
At this point I could tell she was getting very upset, asking what was wrong she said that was that what she was?....oh no already making a mess of things, “No honey I am not talking about you, it is me who is one of those people”. I explained that some scientists believe that being transgendered is due to the development of the brain in the womb. I told her transgendered men and womwn struggle every day and that their gender dysphoria makes them very sad.
But we are lucky today there are medicines and surgery that allow people like me to make our bodies match our soul. This is what I would be doing, in fact I had already started. Not tomorrow but in the near future I would look different, like a woman, however I will always be your dad that I love you more than anything, that I am so proud that you are my daughter.
She started to cry, no sob, I felt my heart break into a million pieces. I wanted to run away to call her mother to comfort her but I could take the easy way out. We continued to talk, she was most upset by the thought of change and that I would look different and therefore be a different person. I assured her that inside I would always be her dad, that I still liked the same things but becoming who I always wanted to be would make me a better person and better parent. I would not be sad and angry all the time.
It sounds bad but she actually took things very well, by the end of our talk we were joking and hugging. I am so impressed by her understanding given my flawed description. Part of her sadness was imaging how difficult it was for me growing up as a boy when I knew I was really a girl, that she wanted me to finally be happy. I cannot begin the express my admiration at the depth of her understanding and empathy. I find that there are few adults who can even imagine the feeling of a Trans person, they are more concerned with how it will affect them etc.
Despite the overall positive reception I was thrown by her tears and when I went to update my SO I must have looked like I had blown it, I kind of felt that way. Pandemonium reigned upstairs as the youngest two were just finishing a bath and the youngest had managed to bloody the others nose with her elbow. My SO went to talk with the eleven year old while I got the other two to bed.
Comparing notes later we argued, she was mad I had not been prepared for the reaction I got, guilty as charged. I had thought so much about what I was going to say I didn’t take into consideration all the possible outcomes. In fact I was avoiding thinking about reactions as I didn't want to imagine the best ones and therefore be disappointed. I was angry at myself and angry at my SO for what I felt was not enough support from her on this most important day. We kept talking around each other and before I knew it the dark tentacles of depression began to steal around my heart. That old familiar feeling of not wanting to do anything enveloped me and I lay on the couch feeling sorry for myself and letting the dark thoughts flood over me. Finally my SO woke me from fitful semi consciousness at 5:00 AM and I crawled into bed.
The next morning we talked some more, she told me that our eldest actually took things very well and she was sorry she was angry, that it is hard for her too. I apologized too, time for a new page and clean start on Saturday morning.
We made pancakes together from scratch. After breakfast t I told the younger daughters, ages seven and almost four. Needless to say it went a lot easier. I doubt the four year old really understands and had seemed to have forgotten our little chat the next day. The seven year old did comprehend the potential changes and had a couple of questions, then asked if she could look at all my clothes, see my painted toe nails oh and could we go shopping. She is my little fashionista!
I want to continue to stress to the children that my transition is a joyful process for me and that we can all move forward in love.
To reinforce we are still a family we decided to take a trip to near by Niagara Falls and do all sorts of cheesy tourist things, haunted houses, mini golf and rides. We visited Ripley’s Believe It or Not (actually quite fun) played glow in the dark golf, walked down Clifton Hill to the falls, took lots of photos with all the other tourists from Japan, Germany and around the world. Later we had dinner at the Rainforest Cafe. It was pouring with rain when we left the restaurant and we made a dash back to the Chrysler Town & Country mini van. We all looked like drowned rats. Traffic was still heavy even after 10:00PM. The girls watch the first Harry Potter movie on the drive back, a family favorite. Everyone had a great time and we still have tickets for a few other attractions that we will use later. We plan to go back in September before the end of the season.
The eleven year old confessed to her mother that she was feeling a little depressed the next day. I did my best to spend the day with her; we went grocery shopping (how exciting I hear you say) picked up the latest Harry Potter movie on DVD for a movie night.
One of my SO’s biggest complaints is that I would avoid getting up the middle of the night when one of the children called as I was wearing a nightie and didn’t want them to see. No more excuses as they have seen me that way now!
I did get a chance to go out for coffee with a girl friend last night. I did not leave home dressed as it was still daylight (gosh I sound like Vampira or something) but I did tell the children where I was going and made sure I painted my nails before I left…hate doing them at the last minute all the time.
The plan is to gradually introduce April into every day family life, jeans and a top around the house slow working up to them seeing me present fully as April. Now Halloween is coming up so who knows, a witch perhaps or maybe Bellatrix Lestrange (Harry Potter fans will know of whom I speak).
So how did it go? Both good and bad but overall much better than I could have possibly hoped for. I am under no illusions that all is said and done. Difficulties can still arise; the oldest obviously doesn’t want the other children at her school finding out. Girls can be so cruel at that age.
Another giant step forward, really does anyone else’s opinion matter after ones immediate family?
Hugs,
April
