Well the unthinkable happened, no not split ends or a run in my last good pair of nylons, I was laid off Tuesday afternoon. There is an unfair shame in loosing your job, a feeling of worthlessness. I hate to even tell you dear constant reader….I want you to think me a successful woman but a blog like any diary should be about honesty.
I really believe I am psychic when it comes to job loss, over ten years ago I was laid off at the bank (found two jobs in a month or so….clearly a different time) and the day before I had a very ominous feeling about work. Same this time so I was not totally surprised and took it well without breaking down in tears…that came later.
Nothing to do with being transsexual, I am confident it was purely a business decision. The same one I would make if I had to.
Understanding is one thing, emotions are another. After I sat stunned in the parking lot for a good half an hour. I could hardly summon the energy to drive, I unsteadily piloted the Electra to a park by the lake where I could sit in silence and contemplate the speed hypothermia can kill. I Googled it later and it is quite an unpleasant way to die.
A beautiful pink and blue late afternoon sky, Canada geese flying south for the winter. The on coming tsunami of depression could be felt in every cell of my body but the cipralex I am on seemed to do a good job and prevented a full collapse.
I knew this job was a risk and I do not regret leaving my old one, it was a horrible environment that was killing me. This job was my ticket out and allowed me to transition. For that i am grateful.
In the very near past I was my job, it defined me, to loose that identity would have been traumatic. In the process of really becoming myself I have moved beyond what I do defining me and am surprised to find I am OK.
Ashley called we talked, would I go back, no the thought never crossed my mind. I AM April, to go back would be a lie. My experience full time has been brief but my confidence has grown immeasurably. It will be scary looking for a job as a woman but I will. It will be nice to start a new job (hopefully) as April with a lot less baggage.
"J" called we talked she gave me a wonderful pep talk, I waited a while longer said goodbye to Lake Ontario then drove home in silence.
The other day determined to make a nice dinner for the family I made a lovely Shepard's pie with fresh mushrooms, salad, french bread etc. Turns out I used some expired chicken broth. I had to throw it all away. I was so upset and had a bit of a breakdown all out of proportion to a ruined dinner. Clearly I was more upset about the job than I told myself.
So the blog continues to morph, the transition story continues, now I can also document the trials and tribulations of the job search process for a trans woman in the 21st century…..great googly moogily….stay tuned.
Times like these call for the blues, here is Johnny Lee Hooker with Boom Boom from my favourite movie of all time:
(bonus points if you spot the 69 Coupe De Ville)
