It has a been a busy March Break, no I was not off partying in Fort Lauderdale with all the college students…they do still do that don't they? I never saw the need to head south to party, I always had papers to write and exams to study for. I was an awful boyfriend, nose in a book when she would visit, but "J" stuck with me anyway.
The new job and "J's" father getting very ill meant I did my best to balance work and looking after the girls while they were home this week. Nothing special, movies, pizza dropping them off with my mother when I had to attend a last minute meeting in person. Sunday was better and we all went to see Disney on Ice. Being stuck (imprisoned) in guy mode meant I was rather dour.
Saturday I spent a good few hours washing the winter grime from they Town & Country, the Toronado and some detailing on the Electra. The Buick has already been pressed onto regular service easily swallowing the children in its cavernous back seat and a trunk that could hold six months worth of groceries. Gas mileage around town…about what you would expect. OPEC sends me valentines cards.
My attempt to make a few baby steps forward was a bit of bust, only just made it to the salon appointment on Friday evening and no time to get my ears pierced. Still a little worried how that will go over at work. I will still need a wig for the foreseeable future but should be able to dump it eventually, so long as I don't have to go back to short back and sides for work considerations.
My level of motivation, for all things took a hit this week. It took me a while to realize it but I was/am depressed, well d'oh! Actually I think I have been depressed for much longer, about the same period that I have been able to go out. Instead of more freedom, I feel more constrained. It is not the job but temporary family issues that have meant I am needed at home all the time.
Going out as April is so necessary but fraught with such anxiety, I always feel rushed, never time to relax and get ready. Just ask any of my friends how many times I have actually made it on time. It is like transitioning and de-transitioning all in one evening, the longer the period in between outings the harder it gets. I doubt I am explaining myself as I would wish but just trying to organize my thoughts helps.
Honestly I feel like a total shit complaining and feeling sorry for myself I (but that is what depression is all about), who want to write that in a blog about themselves? My grandmother, "J's" dad and my brother in Japan, all much more important and immediate problems.
Here's to a better week for all.
Hugs,
April
The video was sent to me by a car friend, vintage racing car crashes with a haunting tune by A. A. Brody called "Killed Myself When I Was Young. I don't think you can take your eyes away from the amazing footage.
I like the song, I first thought of suicide when at university, depressed by my imminent flunking out of business school (I did eventually manage to get my MBA) and perhaps other worries. But that is a post for another time.
Killed Myself When I Was Young from The Jalopy Journal on Vimeo.
