I apologize as it has been a day or two since my last post. Tuesday was my final day at my old job, we had a company lunch, I took the last of my personal stuff to my car, said good bye to all the guys. I made a final few calls to clients, handed over my computer and phone passwords then drove home.
It was surprisingly emotional but I didn't look back. In September I would have been there ten years, unimaginable when I started. It was kind of like leaving home, so many memories whether good or bad, I still spent a fair percentage of my life there.
I knew I had been doing the job too long when I would look back on a project and think it was last year and it was actually five years ago. After so, long all the seasons and episodes blended into each other.
Tuesday night I was emotionally drained and totally physically exhausted all I wanted to do was sleep.
Another issue that has kept me from blogging is dealing with my eldest daughter. I have naturally been reluctant to discuss any details but the purpose of this blog is to be honest and not candy coat the realities of being Trans.
Not yet a teenager, the normally happy student and gifted writer has developed an aversion to school. There are other issues but my transition is at the top of her list of worries.
I feel terribly guilty and thoughts of giving up on my transition abound. The black tendrils of depression once again encircled my heart and I felt myself shutting down. I believed myself to be a selfish monster.
I attended a school that was very religious though not evangelical, I always read that God only sets us tasks we normally would never want to do. At first I thought that was transition, rather it appears that not transitioning is the task I do not wish to embark on. I am not that strong, the years before me of pretending to be a guy, to play the role of strong silent family man. Content to numb himself with a succession of old cars, politics, history books anything to distract me.
I escaped into exercise until the sweat stung my eyes and matted my hair to my head. I cursed God, for making me this way, for making me too weak to fight it, to take this bitter cup from before me. I told him to strike me down with a heart attack, make my car slide on the ice and crash, I double dog dared him. I ran and ran till I fell off the tread mill putting my foot through the wall, the only injury being to my pride.
I had a long talk with "J", not transitioning is NOT the answer. To try and go back now is impossible, relationships have permanently changed and as she reminded me a happy and engaged parent is better than an emotionally dead shell of a man. As she noted before the only photos of me smiling are as April.
The long march forward continues, big changes are on the horizon, I need to be positive so I am there for my children.
Hugs,
April
Here is a tune by Sweden's Top Cats, this will get you going better than a cup of Starbucks:
