Ah the $64,000 dollar question. I should be happy I told my boss and I still have my job, there is technically nothing stopping me going full time tomorrow.
Except I promised "J" that I would wait till school is finished in five weeks or so. Not that I am planning to transition that soon anyway, September seems to be a more fortuitous month.
I was asked the question that is the title of this post earlier this evening by my wife. She is right my happiness at the great news has been muted, I have been quick to anger, overly emotional and perhaps a little depressed.
Nevertheless I have experienced a great deal of relief and have the energy to begin planning for my future again. But not happy.
It is fear I believe, fear that the road ahead will be even more difficult than the gruelling emotional journey that got me to this point.
Fear that doubt may be returning, I owe it to myself and others to be sure of my motivation. I hesitate to express these thoughts as I do not wish to be considered wanting. "see I told you "he" was not really transsexual". I want this blog to be as honest as I try to be with myself.
Do I have second thoughts, no I cannot go back to the way things were. I cannot live a managed male existence. I could try and maybe even succeed for a short while but there lies madness and self destruction.
Rather it is fear of future emotional, personal and financial pain that has dulled my joy.
It is the fear of a loss of anonymity. As a cis gendered male I wore a virtual invisibility cloak, I could pass through the sea of society without being noticed.
As a trans woman that anonymity vanishes and I put my true self on display for the world to see. There is no where to hide.
Up until recently when out as April I wore a wig, I looked nothing like my male self. I could have walked right by a friend or neighbour and they would be hard pressed to recognize me.
My natural hair is longer (not long enough yet) and I am once again self conscious about going out. I can no longer hide behind that disguise. I am forced to share myself with the world. Now that is scary.
Hugs,
April
