I have been remiss in not updating my blog with the most recent developments.
I had become very depressed as a result of the uncertainty of my job and the coincidental inability to transition.
The prospect of going backwards and remaining "him" felt like a death sentence. I could not reconcile myself with starting over with a new employer to go through this all over again. This was my last chance to transition and I was losing it.
As the week wore on my attitude began to change. Instead of resigned despair a hint of resolve began to return. I would transition, I would even look for a new job as April if that is what it took. Such brave words...I know but they are true, I hope I have the guts to live up to them.
On Thursday I met up with an old friend and car buddy. We had know each other for over two decades. It cheered me up no end to catch up with him. I had decided now was the time to tell him.
I started by saying are you familiar with the terms, transgender or transsexual. He stops me and says, you know there is a difference.
This was going to be easier than I thought. He was very kind and we talked for hours. He did say he knew there was something different about me for all these years.
I feel much better today, after talking with my old friend I realized that my intense depression and despair was due to the fear that I would have to go back to being "him" for who knew how long (or worse forever), especially if I needed to find a new job. I know now that I CANNOT do that, it would either kill me or make me the worst most unpleasant person in the world to be around.
His acceptance and encouragement helped me realize I could not go back whatever happened. We talked to almost three in the morning. My heart felt so much lighter. The clouds of doom had begun to lift.
I even felt like going out again. I meet up with Ashley for a night at the Carrigan arms. It was pride day on our neck of the woods but they were rained out, which made for a crowded pub. Photos are with my natural hair and at 3:00 AM so no wonder I look that way. And no I do not have a tan, it seems to be an effect of the iphone's flash.
Busy Sunday, no news from our big client on Monday, the job still hung in the balance. Tuesday morning's mail brought good news, our biggest client paid. Our small company lives to fight another day. I still face an uphill battle to help make it profitable but now as April.
The plan is to go full time in September, I am excited and terrified.
Musically, now for something completely different. Super Womble by the Wombles.
My UK readers will likely be the only ones familiar with these guys.I went to a British boarding school from the mid seventies to early eighties so that explains my weird musical taste.
The Wombles were a family of unidentified critters who lived under Wimbledon Common and collected litter. A BBC kids show, they were so popular they had a string of hits records. It is supposed to be Chris Speeding on guitar! Great Chuck Berry like solo.
Hat tip to my Mom who sent me a story about the Wombles playing Glastonbury.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/glastonbury/8565442/Glastonbury-boss-angry-at-Wombles-invite.html
Hugs,
April
