I walked by the Stop n' Shop
Then I drove by the Stop n' Shop
I liked that much better than walking by the Stop n' Shop
because I had the radio on
Truer words have never been spoken
Random Thoughts from Suburbia
My up and down emotions had me in depressive valley yesterday, down about work and the worry concerning telling my boss. I think coming out to someone important is like an earthquake. The pressure builds and builds over time until the force of the truth must finally be released. I have tried to be cool and detached but as events at other companies have conspired to ruin all my best laid plans the time to tell has come whether I want it or not. I cannot wait any longer, the day is imminent, acceptance or ruin.
My fears about the toll my transition is taking on my wife's emotional well being are well founded. As usual when depressed I stayed up too late, this time we ended up talking instead of sleeping. Again she encouraged me to seek pharmacological help, we have drifted apart and neither can continue on the path we are on without breaking down. Although not her intention our discussion makes me feel terribly guilty, if it were not for the children I would wish to travel back in time and erase our meeting. To allow her to find someone normal and not the flawed person she ended up with.
On past occasion I will think can I put all this all behind me and try once again to live as a normal man, husband and father. Is it a sacrifice that could remain permanent? Would it save things? Our talk does not cause any of these doubts to return but rather reinforces my decision, my transsexual status all the more clear through the hurt of her own memories of our life together.
Lets switch gears, Magda Goebbels. I made the mistake of watching the excellent German film Downfall, earlier this week. The story of the last days of Hitler as Berlin falls to the final assault by the Red Army. I have always been fascinated by the end of things, nations, ideologies, even corporations. The disillusion of the Confederacy, the defeat of the Third Reich even the end of the Packard Motor Company. A list GM almost found themselves on recently.
The scene where Mrs. Goebbels, a true believer in National Socialism to the bitter end poisons her five children was almost too much to watch and I wept. Despite its intensity I would still recommended it highly. The eldest daughter Helga sensed what was coming and tried to resist.
I bumped into an old work colleague the other day at the Chapters book store. We were both looking at the hot rod magazines, he hadn't recognized me, not thinking I said hello. He appeared shocked, no I was not en femme, but my hair, the weight I had lost (not that much I thought) and the changes in my face brought about by hormones obviously threw him for a loop. We talked about business and cars but I could tell my appearance was a distraction.
Amazing election results here in the land of ice and snow an unnecessary (and dangerous to the economy) election called by the Liberal party to defeat the Conservative minority government resulted in a large Conservative victory, the New Democrats supplanting the Liberals as the official opposition. Speaking of the end of things the Liberals were reduced to only 30 plus seats and the separatist Bloc Quebecois party almost fades into oblivion. I have no doubt the Liberals will be back.
So not a bad week in the news, especially as the mass murder Bin Laden is also consigned to the dust bin of history. A Navy Seal dispatched him with a "double tap" to the head…shades of Zombieland.
Hugs,
April
