I would not say that I have conquered my depression, rather with support from my family, some progress on my journey and therapy I have fought it to a cold war standstill.
Unfortunately little things can still set me off and the black dogs slip their chains.
Sunday was an extended family gathering, over lunch the topic of the Thai airline that recruited and hired transsexual flight attendants came up. What we see as a small but welcome sign of acceptance in the wider world
was greeted with skepticism, ridicule and confusion.
I find it hard to describe how hurt and angry I felt. I wanted to deliver a stern lecture regarding the difference between transvestite and transsexual. I wanted to make a case for equal rights and tell them about the often life or death struggle anyone trans must go through.
Of course I instead stayed silent, a well intentioned defence would only raise questions I was not yet prepared to answer. Like a tropical storm front my face clouded over and I lapsed into silence for the rest of the gathering. I caught that knowing look from "J", the one that says I know but shake it off and put on a brave face. Unlike her I am terrible at hiding my emotions….a womanly trait I have yet to master?
I guess what hurt was that this person/people will know all about me soon enough, perhaps before the year is out. I don't want to be the punch line in anyone's joke. I should be more charitable and put it all down as an idle comment born of ignorance and instead look forward to ambassadorial role to come.
On the plus side I got to walk my daughter to school this morning and played a spirited game of tag before the bell rang.
Hugs,
April
