Trying to be Thankful

Time for my annual bah humbug post.

Every idiot who goes about with Happy Holidays (PC don't cha know) on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. (Scrooge)

Christmas has always been a difficult time for me. The forced consumer happiness of the season never meshed well with someone so unhappy in their own skin.

Working freelance has been rather hand to mouth so I cannot even anesthetize myself with a glut of gift buying. Quite a relief not to worry about finding the perfect gift when you can't afford it :)

I did put up the Christmas lights more out of a sense of duty rather than seasonal joy. The artificial tree goes up this weekend. It even snowed today much to the delight of the children and snow plow operators.

always wanted a metallic white or pink Christmas tree, maybe next year

At the grocery store the piped in carols were doing nothing for my morose mood, a dwindling bank account and sense of rejection on the employment front made me want to stick a gun in my mouth….yeah what a drama queen.

What I miss most of all is a sense of purpose, of being useful.

As I waited in line silently cursing Christmas Muzak, the cashier, gently woke me from my revelry, saying Mam your next? 

Shouldn't I turn this post around and make it about being thankful:

I should be thankful that I pass. It is hill we all choose die on. I expect to pass now with both men and women. There is still a little residual fear but that too I hope will disappear with SRS. I am no Amanda Lear but I know some guys look at me and their attention is not because I look like a freak but they may actually like what they see. An idea I still find hard to accept.

Make no mistake I have a lot to be thankful for, I am still at home, have my children, friends and my health.  

Here are some very beautiful but rather sad Christmas songs by the Ravonettes: