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| After all, tomorrow is another day. |
Wow a second post within only two days… let me check if hell
has frozen over.
My previously discussed problems has driven me back kicking and
screaming to therapy. Despite the cost it is well worth it, I am
broken and need to be fixed. I want to use some a car analogy here.
If I am the car, to continue to drive without repair would only damage
the vehicle to the point of complete mechanical failure.
My therapist recommended that journal my thoughts about the
session….well this blog is my journal. The idea of writing something
for private consumption seems pointless. So thanks for reading, dear
constant readers.
Lets me see what I can remember,
First of all I am still grieving the loss of not just the recent still
born relationship but also my prior relationship with my ex and for my
old life, however flawed it was. Grieving is the right word I am
heartbroken, sad and angry all at the same time. Still working to
reach the acceptance stage.
The real takeaway from the session was that I couldn’t love anyone
fully until I could love myself. In my marriage I could not give
myself fully as I could not love as a woman and kept the best part of
me buried.
Even with transition I could not give myself over to love as I hated
myself. I despised my weaknesses and could not forgive my perceived
career failures. I was consumed by feelings of shame and guilt over
being transsexual.
I believed that the loss of this relationship meant that no one would
ever love me.
My previously discussed problems has driven me back kicking and
screaming to therapy. Despite the cost it is well worth it, I am
broken and need to be fixed. I want to use some a car analogy here.
If I am the car, to continue to drive without repair would only damage
the vehicle to the point of complete mechanical failure.
My therapist recommended that journal my thoughts about the
session….well this blog is my journal. The idea of writing something
for private consumption seems pointless. So thanks for reading, dear
constant readers.
Lets me see what I can remember,
First of all I am still grieving the loss of not just the recent still
born relationship but also my prior relationship with my ex and for my
old life, however flawed it was. Grieving is the right word I am
heartbroken, sad and angry all at the same time. Still working to
reach the acceptance stage.
The real takeaway from the session was that I couldn’t love anyone
fully until I could love myself. In my marriage I could not give
myself fully as I could not love as a woman and kept the best part of
me buried.
Even with transition I could not give myself over to love as I hated
myself. I despised my weaknesses and could not forgive my perceived
career failures. I was consumed by feelings of shame and guilt over
being transsexual.
I believed that the loss of this relationship meant that no one would
ever love me.
I believed I was not worthy of anyone loving me.
I feared I was expendable and I would loose the little security
I had regained in my life.
I was scared and powerless.
No wonder that the recent emotional turmoil combined with other
stresses in my life drove me to the brink of madness and suicide. I’m
not frakkin’ exaggerating with you people….it was touch and go.
I understand intellectually that I deserve love and that I am a good
person but feeling that in my heart is a struggle and will take some
work to achieve. As my BFF Cass said, a lifetime of self-loathing
takes time to overcome.
This is a first step.No wonder that the recent emotional turmoil combined with other
stresses in my life drove me to the brink of madness and suicide. I’m
not frakkin’ exaggerating with you people….it was touch and go.
I understand intellectually that I deserve love and that I am a good
person but feeling that in my heart is a struggle and will take some
work to achieve. As my BFF Cass said, a lifetime of self-loathing
takes time to overcome.
Nothing profound in my musical choice just the Beach Boys pounding out Dance Dance Dance
.....they look like they are really having fun....joyous
