If you have seen Kill Bill part 2 this is the scene where The Bride, (Uma Thurman) is buried alive as a particularly cruel method of execution. Bud, Bill's brother describes it as a Texas funeral.
That movie scene is the name I have given my own feelings of claustrophobia. I don't believe I am more or less claustrophobic than the next person, I have only felt the fear of enclosed spaces on occasion say when jammed under a car and felt I had to get out.
Over the last few weeks I have woken up or had trouble sleeping, my skin crawling down to my finger nails. One night I awoke and felt I actually had to cut my nails.
It is an overwhelming sense of claustrophobia. I feel I am buried alive, drowning that I cannot breath. I feel the onset of mindless panic that I am on the edge of the abyss and that panic and insanity will follow.
Instead of the cool determination of Kill Bills protagonist who uses her kung fu training to escape I feel that I will give in to panic.
The other night I awoke at 4:00AM with these feelings. I walked around the house on my nightgown, but I could not shake the feeling of claustrophobia. Eventually I changed and went for a long walk in the predawn darkness. It helped, tiring myself out I could fall back to sleep.
Even watching TV sometimes I see something that makes me uncomfortable and I have to leave. J and I were watching House Hunters International, the topic was Amsterdam boat houses. During a tour of a particularly cramped example had to leave the room.
It is difficult even to write these words without feeling the encroaching sense of dread. A feeling that I cannot abide my own body and want to tear at myself in frustration.
I think (April puts on her amateur psychiatrist hat) that it is not exactly claustrophobia but a symptom of my own anxiety about work and transitioning…. panic attack?
The other day I endured an hour of electrolysis, OMG I prefer laser, painful but quick. Electrolysis is drawn out torture. I was worried that claustrophobic panic would set in. After half fifteen minutes of sitting still under that hot magnifying light, I was ready up bolt. The technician set up a fan and gave me a break and I made it to the end of the session.
I felt good about making it through the session and generally positive that day and was able too fall asleep without feeling I was being sealed up in a coffin.
I am still a little fearful of going to bed as the last couple of attacks were so awful.Trying to employ positive thinking to help me relax and fall asleep. Also returned to exercising later in the evening to ensure I fall asleep.
Jeez how screwed up can one person be?
