HELP!..... I Forgot I am Transsexual........... Being transsexual is an interesting and seemingly never ending journey, living as your true self and surgery is not the end of the journey.

In a quiet moment at work I had the opportunity to jot down a list of topics I wanted to blog about, tolerance and intolerance, spring, hate, fashion and dating.

In the interests of quantity over quality I will address each topic separately over the next few posts or not depending on whether something far more interesting happens in my life.

In the last few weeks I have had the strangest feeling, I forgot that I am transsexual (was transsexual), that I used to be a guy (ugh shudder....I think I threw up a little in my mouth).

I am lucky that I pass, don't use the term "won the genetic lottery" if I really did I would have born female. Don't think for a minute I take this ability for granted.

the fifth Ramone....Bettie Ramone

No longer do I break into a cold sweat when entering a crowded room, meet a new person or go on a job interview or date....same thing really....am I right girls! Of course there was always that little voice in the back of my head reminding me to check the pitch of my voice, the strength of my hand shake.

That voice has not been completely quiet but I have realized in my day to day interaction with co-workers, friends and potential romantic partners I have forgotten that I used to be a guy, I am April, the woman they perceive me to be.

Plans are made to get together for brunch with just the girls, a date is going well and I happily imagine a potential future together...as if I was always female.

Of course this self realization comes at a price, as soon as I realize that I am seeing myself as who I am now and not who I was, reality comes crashing back around my ears.

I fear that the friends I have made would shun me, co-workers would whisper behind my back, I would no longer be April in their eyes. Even worse are relationships. Would they be horrified and feel lied to or cheated.

Make no mistake there are amazing people out there both cis men and women who are accepting and can look beyond a person's transsexual history.

I am stealth but I have too much history to hide my past forever from a potential partner. In addition I know that I could not have a meaningful long term relationship without the other person knowing everything there is about me.

Not dwelling on ones transsexual past and getting on with living ones life is a great thing, however I still feel the weight of my history. Perhaps as I move forward that burden will become lighter.

Hugs,

April

I don't care about history.....