Ok I won’t bore you with car stuff…too much….up till 2:00AM no doubt trying my neighbors’ patience.
After determining I have some sort of vacuum leak/manifold air leak, I finally had to admit defeat and resolved to call the auto club in the morning and have her flat bedded to my mechanic. It was either dust off the 59 Cadillac or borrow my mother's mini van. So feeling very down market today.
My spouse came out around mid night and told me to call it quits. I was quite down looking out at a driveway filled with a sea of Detroit iron all needing some sort of repair, costing much in dollars or time. She made a good point; my heart wasn’t really in it anymore. I hung my head in sad agreement. You know she reminded me that you used to spend three or d four hours a night out here, I would never see you. You haven’t done that in a long time….since coming out.
As you might guess I love cars and still love cars but the obsessive need to fix and restore for hours on end has fallen by the wayside. I much prefer to drive them and a quick wax now and then. I can freely admit that I used my ever growing fleet to keep me busy and my mind off the dysphoria.
A had a intense need to start another project every year or two even if the previous one was still ongoing as it kept the male me sane. Replacing one madness with another. I am sure many of you have experienced the same thing whether that girl fog dispelling obsession was exercise, work or extreme bird watching.
Cars were the biggest culprit but I was also becoming quite obsessive about politics and in the past record collecting.
As a couple, the cars were the greatest source of tension in our marriage, in some ways being Trans does not even come close. I was totally impervious to her arguments, reacting angrily to any suggestion that I sell some of them or spend less time working on them. It makes more sense now, cutting back on car time and spending risked weakening my male defenses and that was unthinkable.
I admit that a lot of my self image is still tied up with what I drive but now that I am finally being true to myself and I no longer need the constant male reinforcement an exhausting obsession can hopefully go back to being an enjoyable hobby.
After determining I have some sort of vacuum leak/manifold air leak, I finally had to admit defeat and resolved to call the auto club in the morning and have her flat bedded to my mechanic. It was either dust off the 59 Cadillac or borrow my mother's mini van. So feeling very down market today.
My spouse came out around mid night and told me to call it quits. I was quite down looking out at a driveway filled with a sea of Detroit iron all needing some sort of repair, costing much in dollars or time. She made a good point; my heart wasn’t really in it anymore. I hung my head in sad agreement. You know she reminded me that you used to spend three or d four hours a night out here, I would never see you. You haven’t done that in a long time….since coming out.
As you might guess I love cars and still love cars but the obsessive need to fix and restore for hours on end has fallen by the wayside. I much prefer to drive them and a quick wax now and then. I can freely admit that I used my ever growing fleet to keep me busy and my mind off the dysphoria.
A had a intense need to start another project every year or two even if the previous one was still ongoing as it kept the male me sane. Replacing one madness with another. I am sure many of you have experienced the same thing whether that girl fog dispelling obsession was exercise, work or extreme bird watching.
Cars were the biggest culprit but I was also becoming quite obsessive about politics and in the past record collecting.
As a couple, the cars were the greatest source of tension in our marriage, in some ways being Trans does not even come close. I was totally impervious to her arguments, reacting angrily to any suggestion that I sell some of them or spend less time working on them. It makes more sense now, cutting back on car time and spending risked weakening my male defenses and that was unthinkable.
I admit that a lot of my self image is still tied up with what I drive but now that I am finally being true to myself and I no longer need the constant male reinforcement an exhausting obsession can hopefully go back to being an enjoyable hobby.
hugs,
April
From the above ad:
"We invite you to visit your dealer soon- with the man of the house- and spend an hour in the passenger seat of a 1959 Cadillac"
Excellent observation. I experienced much the same (though not about cars - mechanical aptitude does not equal me). I know of many who, before deciding to transition, threw themselves into their jobs, hobbies, and (sadly) drugs & alcohol - and sometimes combinations of them all. We tried to make these things define our personalities in a way, I think, so that we didn't have to face who we really were inside.
ReplyDeleteThe interesting thing after coming to terms with myself is that my hobbies are actually FUN again, though I spend a lot less time and energy pursuing them.
Came here via Jenny's blog. I, too, had my own obsession to over-compensate for gender issues. jumped into triathlon training a few years back. It takes over one's life. I started seriously exploring my gender, and completely lost interest in triathlon. Funny how that works.
ReplyDeleteI, too, am obsessed with a hobby I do enjoy and it does cause some frustration for my wife. It is a diversion, however. I'm good at it. It relieves the stress of being trans. It's good for me.
ReplyDeleteCalie xxx