I know that more time on hormones and more experience being out as a woman would be a good thing but I cannot help wanting to go full time NOW!
I would have gladly spoken with HR if I worked in a larger company that had a policy regarding such matters. Unfortunately I work in a predominantly male environment that if I were to come out as transgendered would mean the end of my career.
I need to change jobs, which still means time proving myself to my new employer before even thinking of transitioning on the job. Got to make myself invaluable first! More delays…
The façade is starting to crumble, if I don’t set myself even little transition goals or have some girl time to look forward to depression rushes in to fill the void.
Last night it reared its ugly head and I gladly let it wrap me in its suffocating blanket of self pity and hopelessness. Better this morning but still down and gender dysphoria was getting up to speed.
Morning commute, I glance over to the car on my right a blond is quickly fixing her make up in the rear view mirror, my heart catches and I am overwhelmed with envy and longing but not the kind she thinks when our eyes meet.
Felt a panic attack coming on the way to work but held it together and dried the tears by the time I pulled into the parking lot.
Just have to tell myself this is temporary…it does get better…
http://www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject
Hugs,
April
I would have gladly spoken with HR if I worked in a larger company that had a policy regarding such matters. Unfortunately I work in a predominantly male environment that if I were to come out as transgendered would mean the end of my career.
I need to change jobs, which still means time proving myself to my new employer before even thinking of transitioning on the job. Got to make myself invaluable first! More delays…
The façade is starting to crumble, if I don’t set myself even little transition goals or have some girl time to look forward to depression rushes in to fill the void.
Last night it reared its ugly head and I gladly let it wrap me in its suffocating blanket of self pity and hopelessness. Better this morning but still down and gender dysphoria was getting up to speed.
Morning commute, I glance over to the car on my right a blond is quickly fixing her make up in the rear view mirror, my heart catches and I am overwhelmed with envy and longing but not the kind she thinks when our eyes meet.
Felt a panic attack coming on the way to work but held it together and dried the tears by the time I pulled into the parking lot.
Just have to tell myself this is temporary…it does get better…
http://www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject
Hugs,
April
Façade crumbling, still guy, ready to be gal.. let's call it trans-tween. So many out here are there and anyone who thinks transition is not a terrible trial to be avoided at any cost need to pay close attention. I have tears just thinking about your pain this morning. Yes, it will get better.
ReplyDeleteBig Hug,
Halle
You are most definitely not alone! I'm in a completely different work situation, but also in that not-quite-ready-to-transition-but-desperately-want-to stage. But if you can just get the most enjoyment you can out of life as it is now (and there are so many wonderful things/people in your life from what I've seen in your blog), then hopefully that will give you the strength to carry on, not get too down, and eventually we'll get to the promised uh... gender. :-)
ReplyDeleteDear Halle and Viv,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments and understanding they are much appreciated. Just knowing someone else "gets it" is a big help.
Hugs
April
I so get the "girl moments" like yours on seeing the girl in the other car. What's to be done save for grit your teeth and get on with it? Nothing I guess, just keep reminding yourself that you've started the process so it *will* happen for you.
ReplyDelete