Christmas day has come and only just gone here in Ontario and I am ready to go to bed. A long day, children were up at 7:01 exactly and raring to go!
Pancakes, bacon, coffee then the great unwrapping.
Friends and relatives came by, at four in the afternoon "J" and the children departed as is custom to my brother in laws for Christmas dinner. Not being invited I instead burnt through many gallons of crushed dinosaur juice in the Lincoln visiting my parents, friends both trans and otherwise with Christmas puddings in hand.
I had a nice time and the go go afternoon and evening flitting from pillar to post was an exhilarating change from the normal apres turkey catatonia.
The Lincoln responded well to its gift of new spark plugs and rotor, blasting along the traffic jam free QEW highway at 80 MPH with the cruise on and Christmas carols on the radio was a great gift.
Some great presents, spa day card, earrings, necklace, hat, gloves and a book I had been waiting to read, feel quite spoiled.
OK last Christmas tune of the season and for a change this year I am sad to see it go. The Beach Boys with Little St. Nick, an alternate version faster than the original borrowing from Drive In and Cherry Cherry Coupe.
Don't worry I am not going to lay some anti-commercialism of Christmas rant on you. Rather consider this a tribute to all parents out there staying up late into the night wrapping presents only to face the terrors of some assembly required come Christmas morn.
I even made it to church this evening (children were beyond fidgety), though they made up for it earlier by presenting us with their renditions of their favourite Phineas and Ferb Christmas songs. I have included a sample below for those of you who do not have children of a certain age.
Also one of my favourite Christmas songs ever, The Sonics Santa Claus. Love the line, "I want a brand new car, twangy guitar and cute little honey and lots of money." Well don't we all! Size and gender of your honey may vary , some settling may occur during shipping.
Since I am running out of time I have a few other Xmas gems, Charlie Rich with Santa Claus' Daughter.
Church was also a chance to finally wear the black lace skirt and gold blouse I had bought ages ago. Even did my nails in matching gold.
Morning was spent on last minute shopping and for a change of place cleaning the plugs on the Lincoln and installing the specially ordered distributor cap and rotor. Amazingly got a new old stock piece with brass contacts not the easy to corrode aluminium ones you usually get nowadays. Even vintage cars need a Christmas present.
Get some sleep and have a great Christmas morning.
Off for some last minute Christmas shopping today, making sure we watch the pennies.
Bank in the morning to sign some papers, felt like total crap and quite uncomfortable as I am not working. Just feeling off today, feeling ugly and like I am not passing at all. Put me in a terrible mood, argued with "J". Made me feel even worse. Ate a good half bag of barbecue potato chips….my one weakness.
Once again thank God for modern pharmaceutical science.
Waiting in line at Canadian Tire parts counter, guy starts explaining that I have the wrong furnace filters. Turns out he was just back from Afghanistan servicing HVAC systems. You really need the corrugated paper style that you cannot see through he tells me. Gave him a big smile and picked out the other kind (assume I passed!).
Turns out the store no longer stocks distributor cap and rotors…OMG I feel old. Next time I will ask where is the kerosene for my horseless carriage's headlamps.
Think I am just about over feeling sorry for myself. Will try to channel some traditional Christmas cheer and help bake cookies. Maybe watch the Alastair Sim's Christmas Carol later and cry when Tiny Tim lives.
I know I don't have it as bad as many transitioners and I should be more grateful for what I have, the support I have and the continuing friendship of so many.
It is a tough road for many of us so a double shot of Christmas blues to hopefully mellow you out from that mincemeat pie high and contemplate what we have to thankful for. Some of us are alone this season so pick up the phone, e-mail or just go visit them.
I seem to be writing about nothing but passing recently. Sorry to add another post on this topic but as I have been out and about recently it means I am meeting old acquaintances anew or meeting people for the first time as April.
Thursday morning found me at JPG Exhaust in Oakville getting an estimate on a terrible exhaust leak on the driver's side of my 76 Mark IV. Turned out they could not help as it was a deteriorated manifold gasket and they only touch the pipes back.
A great shop and very pleasant to deal with, they did the custom system on my Corvette and the original dual system on the Lincoln which it still wears over a decade ago.
Anyway I didn't seem to raise any suspicions when I entered the shop. After their inspection they kindly informed me that I would need a mechanic to repair the manifold leak. That would be me I volunteered, I assumed I was passing as this seemed to catch them off guard. You replaced the other manifold gasket yourself!?! Yes I replied, took almost three weeks to loosen all the bolts with penetrating oil. They seemed suitably impressed. We bid each other Merry Christmas (how delightfully unPC) and I left head held high.
Next stop Mississauga to have the Lincoln undercoated and take photos for an article on rust proofing. Again things seemed to go well, however they were expecting a him as I had arranged the photo shoot with the VP at the rust proofing company's head office who I had worked with on other projects over the past few years.
I received a call later in the day from a slightly quizzical VP as to who actually visited his shop earlier in the day. Whoops, I told him it was a long story, that the location had done an outstanding job and that I would send him an e-mail explaining all.
I quickly kicked the children off the Mac and sent my standard coming out/going full time letter. We talked later on the phone, it seems the franchise owner was a little surprised by me and called saying that the the person from the magazine might be transsexual. The VP knowing the franchise owner is also a practical joker responded, oh that can't be (insert my old name here)! Good news is that he now knows and it is not an issue. Offered his support and amazement that I transitioned in such a male dominated industry. Though I don't know I can say I am still in that industry when I am not working full time.
Swung by garage doing safety on the Seville (again greeted by "hi guy"….really not dressed as fancy as yesterday, I mean does he call everyone that?). Bad news is Seville needs new lower ball joints, not expensive but once you add in labour at almost $95 per hour it gets prohibitive, may have no choice but to do myself or postpone. Not a job this girl looks forward to especially if I do it outside!
Made sure I was back on time to pick up oldest daughter and then home to start dinner.
Some more rockabilly Christmas treats and vintage cars doing donuts in the snow!
Enjoyable time getting my hair trimmed at DV8 Salon in Niagara Falls, such a cool place and proprietor Ron makes every visit so fun. Terrible drive there rain all the way but at least it was not snow.
Trying to be a good girl, just a coffee and muffin on the way back and no purchases at the big outlet mall despite there being a Coach store.
Staff at the salon were great, compliments on my makeup and appearance. Happy with the look.
On the way back popped into the garage to check on the safety inspection (like an MOT in England) for my 85 Cadillac Seville. Entered the office and came face to face with the owner's wife who used to work with "J" and who I had met on a few occasions.
I am positive she didn't recognize me as she asked my name and which car I was here to pick up. I had talked to the mechanic a few months ago when I was considering buying the car as his garage had done all the maintenance for the previous owner. When I booked it in yesterday he must have wrote up the work order under my male name.
Informed that I was here he emerges from the garage and greets me, "What's up guy?" WTF I mean I hadn't even said boo yet, really do I look so much like my old self I was certainly not dressed as a guy! (see photo). Additionally put out by the fact the car was not ready as being mis gendered.
Here is the Christmas Race by the Refreshments, a band you may know from backing Dave Edmunds (they certainly have his sound) as well as the guys behind the King of the Hill theme. Check out their whole catalog.
PS. Santa if you are reading this I want implants or a white on white Lincoln Mark V with a matching white mink. Thanks in advance April over and out. Oh yeah peace on earth and goodwill yada yada yada
Here is a Christmas tune completely free of schmaltz and even a little risque by Loretta Lynn. Shame it is not heard more in the typical Christmas/MOR radio play lists. Maybe it is in your neck of the woods but a first time for me.
Released in 1966 her Country Christmas album reached number 103 on the Billboard charts. Another great tune to be found on the album is I Won't Decorate Your Christmas Tree….now what did I say about risque.
Off to Niagara Falls tomorrow to get my hair trimmed, bangs too long and spoiling the overall look. Long way to go for a hair cut but if you find someone who knows what they are doing with you it is best to stick with them. In my former persona I went to the same barber for about twenty years, I guess he may be wondering what ever happened to me.
Being transsexual means one best be able look at things in a humorous light, the old adage of not knowing whether to laugh or cry is most apt.
Today I met my father for lunch, we had enjoyable chat about his coming (possible) retirement from career number two, getting ready for Christmas and old cars.
In the parking lot saying our goodbyes and standing by our respective vehicles, a large SUV appears and a rather tattooed gentlemen called out nice car (referring to my Lincoln of course) is it yours addressing my dad.
No he yells back across the parking lot, "its his!" I must have made a rather sour face as he quickly corrected himself and said hers. The SUV drivers responds "be careful she won't like that." My dad adds its for sale want to buy it....why does everyone think I have too many cars. I do like money too (and I know where there is a great 79 Mark V Givenchy edition for sale) so I named a price.
By the way I was dressed up, black boots, nylons, skirt, silver blouse and my new to me black fur coat. I had a voice appointment in Toronto that evening and wished to blend with all the other business women on the commuter train.
SUV guy gets out to check out the Lincoln, while I was showing him the custom built 460 my voice betrayed me and he gives me a look and says, the other guy wasn't kidding was he? Adding that he meant no offence, none taken I reply but I will be adding $500 on to the asking price.
Oh well not all meetings can be like the one at church the other day. Here is Ike and Tina for your Christmas listening pleasure.
Sunday I went to church, the first time as April. The children were in the nativity pageant and asked that I be there. It is "J's" place of worship and previously I only attended for Easter and Christmas services.
We were both a little uncertain about April making her debut but it went well and neither of us noticed any weird looks. The children's presentation was so cute, Joseph and Mary, wise men, angel, sheppard's and sheep and even hybrid angel sheep.
After the service there was coffee and cookies in the hall, despite not wanting to expose myself any more than I had too the siren call of caffeine won out and I ventured into the gathered multitude.
A few knew about me but most didn't. The children were sitting with friends and "J" was nowhere to be found so I sat down by myself. Within a minute a very nice lady joined me. Had I been there before, hmm a difficult question, I eventually settled on no. We had a conversation about her trips to Italy and Egypt and last minute gift shopping. She even introduced me to "J".
Needless to say I was very happy to have passed and on cloud nine for the rest of the day.
Today's tune is Florence Ballard, the true voice of the Supremes singing Oh Holy Night. Her tough life and mistreatment by Motown lends the song even greater poignancy.
Photos, a) 1965 Supremes in London, love Flo's coat
b) Flo and husband at their home in Detroit with a 68 Eldorado
I hope you are still with me after those Ravonettes posts, "J" told me to stop playing such depressing Christmas music. I have something a little more up tempo but somewhat homicidal as my seasonal offering today.
Lots to do on my Lincoln but too cold to do any work outside. I think I will have to put the Seville on the road as I don't really trust anyone to work on the Mark and break things except for me. I am also a lot cheaper and don't charge extra for screwing things up.
Off to the bank to renegotiate the mortgage today, "J" knew exactly what she wanted so I felt rather useless and was so embarrassed to have to say I had been laid off when the banker asked had my salary changed. Oh yea plus the added stress of meeting someone for the first time as April.
She said don't be depressed you are living the dream, staying at home and watching the children, guess it is all in how you look at it. Nevertheless I still want a new job.
Anyone who reads this blog know I love the Ravonettes, a Danish duo who combine a fifties/sixties feel with a dark modern sound. They released a four track Christmas EP in 2008, here are my two favourites.
Be warned their music is hypnotic and beautiful but really a bit of a downer (death, suicide, obsession) so make sure you haven't skipped your meds.
What a week, seemed to have escaped injury by a hair's breadth, slipped on the stairs and fell badly into the basement (you should see the bruise on my hip…or not), smashed my head into the sharp corner of the stoves range hood, the Lincoln (and the children and I) were almost hit by an 18 wheeler making a wide turn.
The Ravonettes, Christmas Song is the 2001 version, the 2011 is nice too but a little too precious.
Hugs,
April
(Betty image thanks to http://photobombshell.blogspot.com/)
I have always found the Christmas season at bit melancholy, the celebrations tinged with sadness for those who are no longer with us and the fleeting nature of the peace and fellowship even the "grinchiest" of us feel.
I always cry when watching A Christmas Carol and It's a Wonderful Life on Christmas eve.
This Christmas will be the last for us as an intact family and next year will be even tougher. But Christmas is also about hope for a new start, this year my first as April. So as we countdown the days to Christmas as I know my children are doing I plan to post a new Christmas tune each day.
First up to bat is my guy Billy Fury, revered in the UK but unfortunately not so well known in North America. Here is his only Christmas offering:
I seem to have slipped into a bad habit of falling asleep after I have put the children to bed then waking up still dressed, makeup on and contacts in at midnight. Then I will return to the computer and work or e-mail or just futz around for an hour or two.
This means my sleep patterns are all messed up and I wake up tired. A side effect are some rather weird dreams most of which disappear like ill remembered phantoms once I have had that first cup of coffee.
Some are trans related, reflecting concerns about being read or last night dreaming I was stealth then outed at work.
Or in other cases the convoluted fantasies of my own pop culture obsessions. I dreamed I was a Hollywood producer trying to explain why I green lighted an Elvis movie (GI Blues) directed by Ed Wood featuring the cast of Le Carrousel in Paris with music written by Hasil Adkins and Delores Fuller.
For those of you with a more normal taste in movies and music I will save you the trouble and will provide links to explain why those elements would have made it the best movie ever!
Le Carrousel: April Ashley top middle and a rare shot of Coccinelle with black hair, Amanda Lear with short dark hair to the right of Kiki Moustic.
Elvis needs no introduction of course, except to say that he must be of extraterrestrial origin as no one from this planet could be that cool.
Ed Wood was the director of some of the worst or best grade Z movies ever made (think Plan 9 from Outer Space). He was also a confirmed cross dresser who made the film Glen or Glenda to explain his obsession and to capitalize on the story of trans woman Christine Jorgensen.
Ed Wood: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ed_Wood
Also check out the bio pick starring Johnny Depp, highly recommended.
Le Carrousel inParis was a very popular club that featured the top acts in female impersonation, many of the girls going on to have SRS with pioneering surgeon Dr. Georges Burou. Their number included Coccinelle, April Ashley, Amanda Llear (though she denies it), Bambi and many more.
Paris seemed so romantic in the fifties, I wish I could have seen it then. I did visit as a child and retuned a few years ago for work.
(above; Amanda Lear, Coccinelle and below Bambi)
Hasil Adkins was a West Virgina mountain man and rockabilly legend who specialized in the most primitive rockabilly ever stamped onto vinyl. A lack of commercial success never deterred him and was eventually discovered in the eighties by a wider audience. His demented She Said was even covered by the Cramps.
http://hasiladkins.com/biography.php
Dolores Fuller was Ed Woods girlfriend and co star in Glen or Glenda and Jail Bait, inexplicably going on to write songs for some of Elvis movies in the sixties, including Do the Clam and Steppin out of Line…the first even covered by the Cramps.
Really truth is stranger than fiction. Another Elvis connection apparently he did meet April Ashley while on leave in Paris, at least according to her, a possibility but a picture would be nice.
So I hope I have contributed to your cultural corruption and no I have not been hitting the eggnog to hard before bed.
Sorry no earth shattering insights into being transsexual just a post about the boring stuff I did today.
Had a set of "car show" tires that came with my Corvette but they were too dried out and cracked to be safe for use. I finally got my act together and took them to the dump…after getting all the collected rain water out of them. Since it has been below freezing most of it came out in solid form. Did you know you can fit four full size tires in the trunk of a 76 Buick Electra and not even have to take out the spare?
Normally I would not get dressed up to dispose of junk but I also had to drop by my old employer (the job I left voluntarily because I knew they would not accept me transitioning) to collect a formal record of employment. I had them leave it with reception as they don't know about me "yet". Not that I care that much now.
Although they had not seen my Electra I was worried they would recognize it as just the type of car "he" used to drive. They would remember the Cadillac and the Lincoln so I left them at home. I forgot my sunglasses so I couldn't play international woman of mystery. "J" at reception was as completely unflappable as I remember her. A little disappointed she recognized me but did say I had nice legs.
I didn't stop by to say hello to anyone else as it is not that much of a friendly place and by no means did I want to run into my old boss.
Made it home by three no thanks to traffic to pick up the children after school and make dinner. So ends my exciting day, really I just wanted to share this picture with you, despite the shadow across my face I really like it.
I heard from World of Wheels magazine, they commissioned a story on rust proofing, yes money.
So what colour did I choose…bright red!
Well Christmas is fast approaching and despite being out of work I feel a little bit of the Christmas spirit trying to displace my inner Scrooge. Here is The Creepshow's version of The Ramones, Merry Christmas Baby, I Don't Want to Fight Tonight, great rocking version with a supercharged Buddy Holly feel.
I had a post complete with photo, graphics and a song already to go but I decided not to use just yet. I wrote it feeling very angry with the world but I feel a little better now. I will save it when I am totally pissed off again, you likely won't have to wait that long.
Sorry about the photo I know it is out of focus...I was in a rush.
Winter is almost upon us, in this part of Southern Ontario we have been spared the indignity of any meaningful snow fall. Instead we have had a few blustery days and light overnight dusting that disappear with the coming dawn. Each little appearance of snow is like a blackmailers letter cut up from random words in the newspaper, an ominous threat of trouble to come.
I am behind in preparing my fleet of cars (collector or hoarder…I will leave it for the reality shows to decide) for winter duty and for others storage. The Corvette finally ran for shelter in my mother's garage (thanks mom!!!), the Electra is booked in for rust proofing next week and the storage. The Lincoln has a somewhat quieter exhaust, still needs more work, new alternator and may yet require a tune up in the form of plugs, wires, cap and rotor. Nevertheless she is moving on her own now.
So as you can tell I have been spending more time on the cars than I have in quite a few months, including visiting parts stores, re builders and running into "fellow" enthusiasts. Despite trying hard to avoid it working on vintage cars means getting dirty. I wear girl jeans, t shirt, guys work shirt winter jacket etc. As I explained earlier on in this blog, the time spent on cars was the only period where I was not consumed by thoughts of gender dysphoria. Ironic now that when I have spent some quality time with my Detroit born children I fell too male. I actually asked "J" today if I looked any different..less female… such was my paranoia.
Perhaps it was just the clothes…haha
Took the Lincoln for a quick spin and pulled into a parking lot to check the idle speed, I was approached by a guy who wanted to know all about the car. Turns out he was a big Ford fan. I spoke freely and didn't hide my knowledge of cars, did he read me, didn't seem to be any indication but then again Canadians are known to be awfully polite. Same thing happened two weeks ago with the Buick, that time I was positive I passed but they guy didn't clearly know what to make of a woman so into cars.
Slow on the job front, more resumes to get out.
I informed the car magazine that I write for as a freelancer about my name and gender change. They were very nice and had no problem with a new byline. The last two articles I wrote were published under my old name, next months will be the first as April. If you are in Canada check out your news stand for World of Wheels, I am sure you can guess which are my stories.
Off to do something feminine, like paint my nails metal flake pink, now that would make a cool colour for a 72 Mark IV.
Here is Joey Ramone with a great tune I have been blasting all week, sure to put a smile on your face. And the equally infections Dahlmanns tribute.
The neighbourhood Christmas party was Friday and I wore a new tight fitting sparkly red sweater with blue jeans. I liked the sweater but perhaps it makes my shoulders look too big. Anyway everyone seemed very nice and I was ensconced with the girls for the evening. A certain point the men left to watch the a hockey game in the den. I had little contact with the guys (likely make them uncomfortable) but I was addressed by my new name and I felt no negative vibes.
I almost didn't go as I had gotten very upset earlier over issues around separation and came close to ruining my make up by crying.
The trip to see old friends east of the city went well too. Once I pulled into their driveway all my nervousness kicked in and I reluctantly followed a minute or two behind the rest of the family family. Conservatively dressed, jeans black t shirt and a leopard print cardigan. I don't think I looked my best as I had gotten so little sleep the night before.
I was initially rather standoffish as there was a misunderstanding regarding a comment about my appearance. Once that was cleared up and "P" and I went out to look at his new restoration (Austin Westminster) it seemed like old times.
I really appreciated their effort to remember to call me April and to use the right pronouns.
The children played and we had a great dinner and as usual we parted wishing we lived closer to each other. I felt very comfortable with my old (no I am not calling them old…in joke) friends and I pray we can all still be friends after the separation.
Some late rockabilly as it morphs into surf, the Paragons with their instrumental Scramble:
Mid season finale of The Walking Dead, the survivors finally find Sophia the little girl from their group who panicked and runs off. Despite a coordinated search for her, she was virtually right under there noses all along. In a powerful last few minutes of the episode the producers manage to engender sympathy for the "walkers" lost humanity and tragedy at the fate of a little girl.
I know its just a TV show but when an undead Sophia emerged from the barn I burst into tears and cried and cried. The pain of the mother all too real.
A bit of an over reaction on my part but it has been a stressful week or two. The uncertainty of my employment status, the frustration of finding enough time to do everything. But mostly the hurt feelings and grieving over "J" and I's imminent separation proved too much.
I never feel so bad as when "J" and I argue. I did not head down this road blind, I knew where it would lead. Do I wish I never started. Yes and No.
If you are wondering how the Christmas party and visit with old friends went, good but more about that tomorrow.
Hugs,
April
Here are British psychobilly band Demented are Go with my fav Wanda Jackson tune:
What am I up to, mostly looking for work, being a "mom" and writing when I have a minute. The terrible fall/early winter cold has almost dissipated and with its retrial hopefully a return of my old energy.
My cooking skills have improved dramatically as I am usually responsible for dinner, the search is always on for quick and tasty recipes.
Transition wise my phone voice must have improved as I had two Ma'ams from different telemarketers. Gas station attendants are also much more solicitous.
Had my first phone interview as April as well!
Two rather nerve racking events coming up, the neighbourhood Christmas party, so far everyone has been very nice but I do not speak with everyone on our street on a regular basis. I am sure the entire neighbourhood has seen me out at some point whether it is going to pick up the children from school, raking leaves or working on a car. But for many it will be the first time the see me up close.
There is also a trip planned to see some old friends from university. They were initially very upset to learn of my transition and the eventual break up. I would not be too nervous meeting them one or one or even as a couple but a gathering of each family including children makes it a much more uncertain proposition.
Culturally (or what I classify as culture…cars and rockabilly) interests me this moment is Lincoln Mark V's the Mark V superseded the Mark IV of course, I have a 72 and 76 model (who knows I may even get top keep them after the separation as they are still not much of a valuable collector car).
The 77-79 Mark V is mechanically the same as the 72-76 Mark IV but had a new angular body with the same neo-classic design cues. I have admired them for some time and would love to have a vinyl roof delete model in silver, or a triple white loaded model, top of the list is the fifty or so coach built convertibles. Be still my beating heart. Oh yeah make sure they all have the 460 V8.
Other topics of fascination, Elvis' girlfriends after Priscilla, Linda Thompson and Ginger Alden. Linda was later married Bruce Jenner and music mogul David foster and also the subject of a brief reality show.
The last Lincoln Elvis bought (yes he had Mark IVs too) was a white 77 for Ginger. Ford was sold out and a special call had to be made to Detroit to locate a car immediately. After all that trouble the big Continental was too much for Ginger who prior to that only had a three speed bike. Elvis bought her Cadillac's "international sized" Seville.
While we are talking about Elvis, check out his last "travelogue" movie Live a Little Love a Little, (I have featured it here before) the office scenes where he juggles two jobs, as an advertising photographer/executive and a pin up photographer have a definite Mad Men feel about them. To match his new success he gets a cool apartment, new suits and a 68 Imperial convertible to drive around in…. very cool!
Musically I am still listening to Teenage Head's complete discography. Wish I had seen them live when I had a chance. But I will leave you with an alt take of Elvis' T.R.O.U.B.L.E. from 1975:
It snowed the other day, a little wet blowing snow but ominous signs of what is to come. I am not a winter person and before anyone in even colder parts of this great Dominion call me a wimp I have lived In Thunder Bay and Sudbury too and have experienced its Siberian like temperatures.
Makes me want to run to Florida or the South of France! I await my invite in the mail dear constant readers?
But the little snow we had reminds me of how close Christmas is and how far behind I feel. Not enough resumes out, not enough work on my voice and name change paper work. I seem to be so busy just being a "mom" dropping off or picking up, getting dinner ready. When the school day ends at just after three until all are in bed I cannot begin work again till well past nine pm….by which time I am usually beat.
No I don't believe this is divine retribution for my past sexist ways I was always very aware of how hard stay at home parents worked.
Needless to say I am rather behind on car work as well. The Seville is running and should be ready for its mandatory safety check. I finally got the exhaust manifold off the Lincoln Mark IV…wow what a job requiring all sorts of ingenuity and tricks not detailed in the official Ford manual (six volumes). As usual trying to do most of the work myself to avoid further enriching local mechanics. Grease, rust particles and foundation do not go well together.
I have also churned out a new automotive article for a domestic buff magazine entitled The Top 10 Cars to survive the Zombie Apocalypse….I know I know it just writes itself. Yes a paying gig too! The image above was photo shopped for article thanks to "J". "Mom" and daughter zombie fighting team.
How is being full time going, great! I do feel so much happier as myself sometimes I think I need a good pinch to wake myself up. Being out and about amongst my fellow "man" is no longer such a concern almost second nature. Last week was also the first time I tried on clothes using the stores woman's changing room.
I continue to feel I am passing most of the time. The cashier at the store offered me a candy again and called me sweetie, the young guy at the pizza place called me Ma'am, the staff at the Napa auto parts store both male and female never seemed to notice anything.
But how much is being polite? The girl who helped me choose a new phone never batted an eye when I handed her my still male drivers licence.
OK one funny story, walking children to school, the youngest runs ahead to the crossing guard, he says wait for your mom. My little darling proceeds to tell him that I am her daddy and that I just look like a girl….then she bids him a cheery good morning.
Had a chat with my friend Krissy today on the phone it felt just like two woman having a conversation and I guess it was.
Hugs,
April
Here is the first single by local punk band Teenage Head. I have also been listening to their 1996 album Head Disorder, great!!! go and find it or their Trouble in the Jungle from 86 but the best has to be Frantic City 1980. The most rockabilly of all punk bands.
A strange week that seems to have slipped by far too fast. So much to do and even when not working full time I seem to have so little of it. Being a "mom" and home maker is also proving to take its toll on my working hours.
Emotionally up and down but no serious depression and I damn well hope it does not return.
Met with two girl friends this week one for lunch the other for coffee. Each is at different stages of their transition just behind me….wow suddenly I am the experienced one, what the heck happened.
Transition is a gift (a life saving one) but it is not cheap. No I am not talking about the not insubstantial cost of surgery…SRS…FFS…implants but the emotional, the relationships, jobs etc.
It is finally hitting me that "his" life is over and that the most important relationship is forever changed and finite. I knew it all along in my head but not my heart, I have the taste of ashes in my mouth.
It would make sense to play Bruce's the Price You Pay but that so so depressing I want to open a vein. No offence to his fans I am one too. Here is another tune with a slightly more upbeat sound if not message.
PS. Photo is me singing along....thank God this is not a VLOG.
Well while we are on a Bruce kick:
Tougher than the rest…the road is dark…
Now this is more my speed:
Open all night featuring a guy driving a first generation Cadillac Seville:
Well the unthinkable happened, no not split ends or a run in my last good pair of nylons, I was laid off Tuesday afternoon. There is an unfair shame in loosing your job, a feeling of worthlessness. I hate to even tell you dear constant reader….I want you to think me a successful woman but a blog like any diary should be about honesty.
I really believe I am psychic when it comes to job loss, over ten years ago I was laid off at the bank (found two jobs in a month or so….clearly a different time) and the day before I had a very ominous feeling about work. Same this time so I was not totally surprised and took it well without breaking down in tears…that came later.
Nothing to do with being transsexual, I am confident it was purely a business decision. The same one I would make if I had to.
Understanding is one thing, emotions are another. After I sat stunned in the parking lot for a good half an hour. I could hardly summon the energy to drive, I unsteadily piloted the Electra to a park by the lake where I could sit in silence and contemplate the speed hypothermia can kill. I Googled it later and it is quite an unpleasant way to die.
A beautiful pink and blue late afternoon sky, Canada geese flying south for the winter. The on coming tsunami of depression could be felt in every cell of my body but the cipralex I am on seemed to do a good job and prevented a full collapse.
I knew this job was a risk and I do not regret leaving my old one, it was a horrible environment that was killing me. This job was my ticket out and allowed me to transition. For that i am grateful.
In the very near past I was my job, it defined me, to loose that identity would have been traumatic. In the process of really becoming myself I have moved beyond what I do defining me and am surprised to find I am OK.
Ashley called we talked, would I go back, no the thought never crossed my mind. I AM April, to go back would be a lie. My experience full time has been brief but my confidence has grown immeasurably. It will be scary looking for a job as a woman but I will. It will be nice to start a new job (hopefully) as April with a lot less baggage.
"J" called we talked she gave me a wonderful pep talk, I waited a while longer said goodbye to Lake Ontario then drove home in silence.
The other day determined to make a nice dinner for the family I made a lovely Shepard's pie with fresh mushrooms, salad, french bread etc. Turns out I used some expired chicken broth. I had to throw it all away. I was so upset and had a bit of a breakdown all out of proportion to a ruined dinner. Clearly I was more upset about the job than I told myself.
So the blog continues to morph, the transition story continues, now I can also document the trials and tribulations of the job search process for a trans woman in the 21st century…..great googly moogily….stay tuned.
Times like these call for the blues, here is Johnny Lee Hooker with Boom Boom from my favourite movie of all time:
I had intended to post a buoyant post about Halloween but my mood has taken a bit of a downturn lately. I would not say that the euphoria of going full time has worn off it is just that the price we pay has become clearer.
I will leave those thought for later in the week and deal with the celebration of All Hallows Eve first.
For the first time since I was nine or ten I wore a costume. Despite Halloween being the perfectly acceptable and safe time to indulge in one's feminine side I never did. In all my closeted years I was never invited to or wished to attend a costume party. Nor would I have had the courage, as Jenny pointed out on her blog It would have been just too close to home and I would have been afraid someone could tell I was enjoying it a bit too much.
So this year I spent too much on a costume, a Fallen Angel, short black bodice dress with black wings and a black halo. Type casting perhaps?
My friend Genni who lives close by invited me to her Legion (Legion as in veterans and their relations, not the fallen angel sort of legion) Hall for a Halloween costume party dinner and dance. A number of Genni's friends at the Legion already knew about her. We were quite the pair, both in four inch heels (no I don't wear these normally….mostly flats now) and her in a beautiful Disney style Snow White costume complete with royal blue cape.
Funny I would have declined if I was not living full time. Needless to say we were one of the main topics of conversation and apparently the next day too. We were sitting with a group of women and I was applauding myself for seemingly passing when the lady beside me said I don't know how you guys do it in those heels. Perhaps she meant guys in the general sense. She seemed rather confused by me, especially when I told her I had children…I could almost see her brain working …..is that humanly possible?
Later in the evening an older lady whispered in Genni's ear, the table across the room was debating my genetic origins and she had been sent to find out the truth. Genni replied that I was a girl, she turned to her friends and said, "told you so". Ah victory is mine!
The dinner was very nice and I had a great time, everyone was friendly despite the curiosity.
Later we met up with our friend Dan at the Carrigan Arms, they had a live band all dressed as characters from the Wizard of Oz. A rather scary looking biker asked me to dance. He was not dressed as a biker he really was one. I was afraid he would not take kindly to any disappointment at finding I was not entirely kosher so to speak. So I asked him what he rode, a Harley of course, what model I asked, a full dresser, really I replied belt or chain drive? I think he got the hint. Was I chickening out, perhaps I should have danced with him.
Halloween night I was just April and tested my patience escort five girls around the neighbourhood trick or treating. Hope you like our pumpkins, the product of a few hours of carving Sunday afternoon. The vomiting one was my oldest daughter's idea.
Hugs,
April
The party is over boys so close those coffin lids....
