Tears and Frozen Toes

Another blur of a weekend. And up early this morning to have the Electra flat bedded to the garage for her safety check.

So cold waiting for CAA to show up I didn't think my poor toes would ever be warm again.

We had my friend and therapist Bill over for dinner on Saturday night. Didn't make him talk shop but by the end of the evening that is what happened. Turned into a couples session before we knew it.

"J" had a lot to say and though it was not hurtful or mean spirited, it was hard to hear. I am very glad she could expresses her self to me, she so often holds in her emotions in check to protect everyone else's feelings. She is supportive and understands why I need to transition but of course is upset too. It is hard to realize that she is loosing a husband and perhaps never had one to begin with.

There were a lot of tears from the both of us but I feel our relationship is stronger for it. I am still somewhat emotionally and physically exhausted as she no doubt is too.

The intense preoccupation with career matters and old cars temporarily banished the severity of my GID, whenever this happens the seeds of doubt plant themselves in my mind. I become afraid I cannot do this and that sometimes a little voice (like the cartoon devil on ones shoulder) says you don't have to transition, if you were only stronger, if you were a better person, you could fight this.

I KNOW that these doubts are WRONG, those who know me, realize these thoughts are wrong and self destructive. On Saturday night "J" and Bill helped me rediscover my confidence.

On Sunday I was able to take my renewed confidence and go out for a quick coffee with Marissa. I walked with my head up and looked people in the eye. Jeans, purple to and very little makeup. I am in that sweet spot between laser sessions where all the dead hairs come out and no shadow! I felt so great, so like my self that I didn't want to go to bed when I got home, the inner and outer were in harmony. To look in the mirror and to see who you want to be was exhilarating. I never wanted to stop being the woman I am inside.

I was uncomfortable with the word woman before, it seem loaded with so much hidden meaning, a title that no matter what surgery I had I could never lay claim to. Something has changed I think it is who I am, who I will be.

I feel like I am at the helm of an old sailing ship, there is a storm on the horizon, time to tackle it head on.

Hugs,

April

I have not listened to my old Shakin' Stevens albums for ages, found this one I have never heard before, think I like even more that Ricky's:

Scotland, Buicks and Bill Haley

It is a rare weekend post! I know you are asking yourself to what do we owe this great good fortune. First of all I am a stuck in the parent’s waiting room at ballet class and secondly in the comments the other day Louise mentioned Buicks Scottish connection.

Like all good things on this earth, Buicks have Scottish ancestry (well that is what my Scottish friends are always telling me). The founder of the Buick Motor Company was Scottish.

David Dunbar Buick, founder and namesake of the Buick Motor Company, was born on September 17, 1854 in Arboath, Scotland. He and his family immigrated to the New World when he was 2 years old.

David dropped out of high school at 15, helped run a plumbing business, the Buick & Sherwood Manufacturing Company. Buick was credited with at least 13 patents including those for a lawn sprinkler, bathtubs, and a flushing device. His most important invention in this field was a method for fixing enamel to cast iron that allowed for development of modern porcelain bathtubs and plumbing fixtures.

This business prospered and over the course of the 1880s but he sold out to his partner as he was too fond of messing about with cars. Buick pioneered the valve in head (OHV) engine and the first prototype made a successful run from Flint to Detroit in July 1904, production would start that year. Just like Henry Ford, the Buick Motor Company had to overcome the financial hurdles that beset any start up.

In November 1904, William "Billy" Durant, who went on to create General Motors became General Manager and director of the Buick Motor Car and forced Buick out by 1908. Buick later sold his stock for a mere $100,000. Had he held on to his shares, it would’ve been worth well over $100 million by the time of his death in the late twenties and today would be despite GM’s problems be nearly incalculable.

The famous Buick crest is also of Scottish origin. Created during the GM era, it is based on the Scottish "Buik" family crest. In 1960, the logo incorporated three shields, to represent the three Buick models then built: LeSabre, Invicta, and Electra.

Buick tried a number of other businesses but lightening wouldn’t strike for a third time. Forgotten and broke he died in 1929, his last job being as an instructor at the Detroit School of Trades.

Buick and Cadillac for that matter have survived the autopocalypse of the past few years and Buick I am sure to David's amazement is one of the best selling cars in China.

Well on my next trip to Motown I should stop at Woodmere Cemetery and pay my respects.
From a final interview given in 1928 he stated that he was not bitter and that “Success consists in looking ahead and forgetting the past.

Good advice for those of us born Trans, don’t live in regret and instead focus on building a successful future.

A Scottish themed musical choice, how about Bill Haley’s “Rockin’ Through the Rye”, sounds silly but actually it is extremely catchy.



Hugs,

April

Deuce and a Quarter

I am a Cadillac fan but I do love me some Buick. My first ride at 15 was a 1971 Centurion convertible that I didn’t really fully appreciate (of course I would love to have that car now). I wanted an Electra as it was longer and looked so cool with fender skirts.

More recently I had a 1970 Buick Riviera GS that was unfortunately written off by a careless driver in a Suburban.

I remember seeing lots of Electras on a family road trip that took us through Memphis. At the time these cars were only four or five years old. So I guess I wanted one of these even before I was smitten with 1959 Cadillacs.

My favorite Buick of all time (71-72 Riviera boat tails are darn close) is the 76 Electra Limited Landau coupe. The last of the big Electras before downsizing in 77 and also the last for the mighty 455 mill.

The 76 Electra Limited Landau coupe is surprisingly rare, I have only seen two for sale locally over the last decade or so. The original owner had after deciding to blow a wad of cash on the top of the line Buick had to upgrade to the plusher Limited model and then spend even more when he checked off the Landau roof option. So when a friend was selling his former one owner, never winter driven Electra coupe I jumped on it, promising “J” the spring will see the departure of some of my other cars.

The Deuce and a Quarter slang name for the Electra refers to the base Electra’s name, the Electra 225. The over length of the car was 225 inches, the name was retained even after the length increased 233.3 inches in the seventies.

Hugs,

April

Here is a clip from the movie I Got The Hook Up with a car chase involving a rather worn but still fast 76 Electra Limited Landau coupe:

To Walk the Earth

I delivered my resignation early this afternoon, I was very nervous but things went smoothly with only veiled threats about working in the same industry. We shall see…

The answer I wanted to give to the question why was I leaving, “to walk the earth like Caine from Kung Fu:

Jules: Well, that's what I've been sitting here contemplating. First, I'm going to deliver this case to Marcellus, then, basically, I'm just going to walk the Earth.

Vincent: What'cha mean, "walk the earth"?

Jules: You know, like Caine in Kung Fu, walk from place to place, meet people, get into adventures.

Vincent: And how long do you intend to walk the earth?

Jules: Until God puts me where he wants me to be.

Vincent: And what if he don't do that?

Jules: If it takes forever, then I'll walk forever.

Vincent: So you decided to be a bum?

Jules: I'll just be Jules, Vincent – no more, no less.

So no I didn’t get escorted out by security, darn could have with the paid vacation, instead I get two weeks of organizing almost a decade of work.

Hugs,

April

Last Days In the Bunker

I apologize for no post yesterday. I was still tying up some loose ends and any attempt at introspection would have been futile. I am committed to leaving and will resign tomorrow. I am afraid it may get ugly, not that I have or will do anything wrong, rather my current employer never seems to have heard of the emancipation proclamation.

I am wary of his long reach so I best not say anymore at this time. Hopefully lawyers will not become a necessity.

It has been nine years, my how time flies, it will feel odd to no longer make the usual morning commute but this is a change I HAVE to make. If I stayed I could NEVER transition. I have learned much in this job but it was well past the time to go, in my mind I have already gone.

Eva, keep burning the files…..


No the photo is not of Eva Braun but another fascist, Diana Mitford, wife of Sir Oswald Mosley. She was a famed beauty in her day and lived to be 93, still courting controversy. Evelyn Waugh exclaimed that her beauty "ran through the room like a peal of bells."

It’s Gonna Be Alright

Finally received the written job offer, I was so worried something had happened.

Although I love what I do, my current job had become a prison; I am so relieved I am getting out of here. Tears of happiness and relief.

Can I transition in the new job, unknown but that is better than I could ever expect here. I will be working primarily out of a home office so on those days it will be as April.

Oh yea, I am getting a new car (well by new I mean 35 years old, so new to me)! More about that later. And yes I will be getting rid of some of my other project vehicles.




Hugs,

April

PS. Picture is of b movie queen Mamie Van Doren

Badlands

As I am still waiting to find out about a promised new job opportunity I am going to stick with discussing movies, otherwise I think I will go mad.

Yesterday in the comments, Natasha mentioned Badlands, the 1973 Terrance Malik film loosely based on teen anti-hero/serial killer Charles Starkweather.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Starkweather

In reality the stolen car was a Packard but a much more evocative 59 Cadillac was the real star of this film. Check out the end of reel car chase between a 58 Ford police car and the rocket finned Caddy.



The Starkweather case had a huge cultural impact inspiring many movies and novels. Stephen King has used Starkweather like characters in a number of books and short stories, i.e. the novella Blockade Billy. In the Stand Randall Flagg went to school with Stalkweather.

Anyone notice that Alabama’s coat in True Romance looked a lot like mine, hmmmm no comment.

Hugs,

April

True Romance

Still nothing momentous to announce but a girl can dream.

In the meantime I wanted to share my all time favorite movie, the Tarantino penned True Romance.

The story begins in modern day Detroit (my favorite city) and winds up in Hollywood. The scenes with Gary Oldman and Dennis Hopper are worth the price of admission. If you have seen the film you know what I am talking about and if not go rent it now.

The Detroit scenes are the best I think and the fact that the protagonist drives a pinky purple 1974 Eldorado convertible (with a 73 grill by the way) just adds to the film’s coolness factor. Did I mention that our hero is also visited by the spirit of Elvis.

Violent, bloody, sexy and yes romantic. I was particularly taken by the instrumental theme used in the film.

“I had to come all the way from the highway and byways of Tallahassee, Florida to MotorCity, Detroit to find my true love. If you gave me a million years to ponder, I would never have guessed that true romance and Detroit would ever go together. And till this day, the events that followed all still seems like a distant dream. But the dream was real and was to change our lives forever. I kept asking Clarence why our world seemed to be collapsing and things seemed to be getting so shitty. And he'd say, "that's the way it goes, but don't forget, it goes the other way too." That's the way romance is... Usually, that's the way it goes, but every once in awhile, it goes the other way too.”




Anyone feel like pie,

April

Cruel Weather

Rather distracted today, my oldest child is under the weather and is camping out with me at my office today. Comfy chair and DS.

As for me, no news is good news, I am doing my best to focus on the work at hand and not let anything slip between the cracks.

I was able to get out for my customary Sunday evening coffee with girlfriend Marissa. Just jeans, top and “the jacket”. Picture shows the pink lining, “J” says this saves it from being totally slutty.

A balmy plus 2 degrees today, feels positively spring like. Wish I could go work on the Toronado and catch up on some deserved maintenance. Tonight freezing rain and a return to snow. Mother Nature is a bitch.

Here is Nick Lowe with Cruel to be Kind, watch out for Dave Edmunds and Carlene Carter in the video, yes that is Nick and Carlene getting married:

Hugs,

April

Sneetches

I have tended to pull my punches on this blog but I am not here to debate politics, religion or even what sort of car to drive, but I am sure you can guess where my sympathizes lie.

It is with great dismay that I have watched what appears to be a civil war brewing in the “trans” word. When I first made tentative steps towards coming out two years ago I found an accepting community. Today I think I would be asked to take sides or simply be told where I belong and where I must stay.

For those of you who may have missed this classic Dr. Seuss story as children here it is:



No kind of Sneetch is best on the beaches,

April

Excellent

The job situation and hence the ability to transition is looking up. A bit too early to announce anything but I am fairly positive that my master plan is coming together….excellent (say like the Simpsons Mr. Burns).

It will be a busy and a challenging year with no guarantee of success except that, which I can make happen through my own hard work.

It is hard to imagine that in less than a year I could be full time and working at home en femme in mere weeks!!!

Feel like breaking into song (like in an Elvis movie). I am trying to keep level headed as I know there is still the chance it could all go south.



The Hawk Weird-Oh model kit graphic got some attention yesterday. The Weird-Ohs were designed by graphic artist Bill Campbell, clearly influenced by Ed Roth, here is the complete history:

http://www.oldmodelkits.com/blog/plastic-model-kit-history/history-of-the-hawk-%E2%80%9Cweird-ohs%E2%80%9D-plastic-model-kits/

Hugs,

April

Hurry Up and Die

Traffic jams blocked my normal route so I detoured along Lakeshore Road. Lake Ontario displayed a million shades of grey with clouds that seemed to rise up out of the horizon, quite beautiful in winter's own terrifying way. I would have liked to have stopped and taken a photo.

But work beckons…

Story of my life, no time stop and smell the roses. We are told that we should be thankful for a job in this economy. I do not disagree but it has been almost a decade of running flat out, I have lost touch with friends, no time to visit my grandmother, no time with the children except to hector them to get homework done or get up and get ready for school.

I am so tired.

Even the cars, my Stutz project (my personal Grail) lays dormant waiting for finishing touches that may never come. The Caddy was driven only twice last year, the Imperial all but forgotten.

It seems as if the message is hurry up, hurry up and die. No I will not comply, time for a change…

I still fervently believe in the “American Dream” but transition and being honest with myself at long last has turned my priorities on their head, hopefully for the better.

Ok I am taking myself all too seriously, time for some Old Timey music:

Hot Damn, It’s the Soggy Bottom Boys…

Try not to be turned into a toad today,

April

Picture is of a Hawk Weird-Ohs model kit from the sixties, Daddy - The Way Out Suburbanite (racer; aka. "the Swingin' Suburbanite"). Personally I would rather be this one,

Needles and Pins

I did not post yesterday as I have been on pins and needles regarding a new career opportunity. I am fairly certain that things will pan out but we have yet to ink a deal due to various issues. There is a definite air of inevitability and overall today I am positive.

The on again off again talks were driving me mad, causing manic joy and depression in equal measure. Pounding away on the tread mill with the iPod super loud was all that was keeping me sane.

The reason for my hyper emotional state is that my current position precludes any thought of transition. A smooth at work transition is not guaranteed by any potential new opportunity but I will now have a fighting chance.

The ability to begin the planning process for transition is so exciting the thought that by the end of the year….sorry getting ahead of myself.

I will of course share more as soon as I find out.

Snowpocalypse this morning, lots of shoveling and very painful fingers (I had gotten frost bite in my finger tips in Sudbury years ago and they are extremely sensitive to the cold and can be quite painful).

The major highways were a parking lot and the side streets slushy and slippery. The Toronado’s fwd and weight pulled her through with poise and I was one of the few cars going the speed limit.

Of course today’s cut is Needles and Pins, I thought I would post the hit version by the Searchers, or maybe the Ramones, even Del Shannon did a cool version. I am partial to Jackie De Shannon’s:



Since I missed yesterday here is a bonus track, Jackie again with the rocker, It’s Love Baby:

Hugs,

April

Snow Leopard

Met girlfriend Marissa for coffee last night, it ad been a while and it was good to catch up. Our usual hangout closed up early at 11:00 so we finished off our discussion at her place then home to bed….too late as usual

Saturday night was a dinner party with friends but in male mode and with wife “J”, as three of us were fellow travelers or “sisters” as it were it was rather an unusual but not unpleasant experience.

Spent Christmas money on a “snow leopard” jacket, it was on sale at the Bay. I love it, so soft and warm. A little flashy with a bright pink lining but it does match the black and white interior of my Eldorado (if I ever get her on the road). I have a sneaking suspicion that it may be faux snow leopard.

The horrible cold weather keeps reminding me of that black day in early February 1959. A little early for the predictable annular remembrance, his music should be enjoyed all the time.

Here is a spirited version of Oh Boy by the Stray Cats:



Hugs,

April

Sweet Soul Music

Been burning the candle at both ends again and am totally beat today. Emergency trip to Starbucks was called for as I felt myself nodding off on the way to work. Not good as I no longer have a death wish.

If seems if my last music pick to click caused some controversy. Time to mellow out with some obscure but smokin' vintage 1965 soul from Marjorie Black, "One More Hurt".

Ms. Black if that is her real name is lost in the mists of time with this amazing single being her only known recording.

Visions of mid sixties Detroit, Cadillacs.....

Hat tip to http://dereksdaily45.blogspot.com/ where you can sign up for an e-mailed daily dose of the same kind hard to find 45s.

The photo is of the lovely Jayne Mansfield behind the wheel of a 59 Cadillac Eldorado. There are also photos of her driving a 59 series 62 convertible Cadillac (a personal favorite of mine....my second car).

Hugs,

April

Rose of England

I have since my teens considered my spiritual home the United States. It was the first place my parents and I set foot in the New World. Getting off a ship in New York like countless immigrants before them. I studied American history at university, follow US politics closely and have made my pilgrimage to the battlefields of the Civil War.

As a child we would take long driving vacations across the American west (where we would drive and drive, then drive some more….sorry an inside family joke). I loved those trips and fell in love with the history and the land.

I grew up in Canada (where I still live and am thankful I do) and spent a number of years at school in England, the land of my birth. I believe I can even claim to be a true Cockney, having been born within the sound of Bow Bells. At school my “accent” marked me as a Yank and by default I was often called upon to defend American foreign policy. So just as in matters of gender, I was equally confused as to my nationality.

It is a difficult time for the West as the impermeable Cold War world of my youth continues to change and mutate. The freedoms we enjoy are constantly under threat from within and without. As a history buff we would do well to remember where we come from and the rich traditions that made both nations the light and envy of the world.

In that spirit let me share some personal British ancestral history, both examples involving some fancy foot work.

One Madame Sismondi, ballet mistress and co-founder of the original Tiller Girls in the 1890s. The Tiller girls were a famous high kicking dance troupe that was in existence until the eighties also a big influence on the Rockettes.

Dutch Sam and Young Dutch Sam. A member of the International Boxing Hall of Fame, Dutch Sam (1775 – 1816) came from the Whitechapel area of London. Nicknamed “The Star of the East” as well as the less politically correct, “The Terrible Jew”, what he liked bacon sandwiches?

Inventor of the uppercut with a history of approximately 100 bouts, losing only twice, at the time most boxers fought 20-25 matches in a career. His power was legendary and he was considered one of the hardest hitters of all time.

His son, Young Dutch Sam, was also a good puncher and very exciting fighter, had a noteworthy career in the 1820s.

My brother brought this tune to my attention, Resistance 77 with Spirit of St. George. I love it, makes me want to buy a Jensen Interceptor and drive down the high street to get some fish & chips.




Hugs,

April

City in Ruins

I have not written much about cars lately and all two of you must be wondering what the heck is going on. The cold weather prevents much pottering and limits one to necessary repairs only.

The Toronado keeps soldering on as it has four the past four winters. The really freezing weather prior to Christmas resulted in a jammed driver’s door. Turned out it was the lock cylinder. Hope to replace it this weekend (weather permitting) might also take the chance to put on the “new” driver’s side door handle I have been hording. The Toronado had unique blade style door pulls and after thirty plus years the pot metal internals wear and become all floppy.

Also need to change the front pads soon…pray for a warm spell.

Detroit in Ruins: http://www.guardian.co.uk/artanddesign/2011/jan/02/detroit-ruins-marchand-meffre-photographs-ohagan

These guys are a little late to the party as other people have documented the city’s plight much better. Check out the Detroit Blog, http://www.detroitblog.org/?p=113

Nevertheless amazing photos. I want to alternately cry or scream when I see these images. Naturally I was always fascinated with the city and have visited many times, even as April.

It seems as if we must currently live in a dystopian alternate reality, in the "real word" Detroit has a population of four million and is building sixteen cylinder Cadillacs.

Here is my proof:

http://deansgarage.com/2010/wayne-kady/

Hugs,

April

First photo is a shot from the Detroit: City on the Move promotional movie, a failed bid for the gain the Olympic games for Motown. Looks like a custom 63 Eldorado at Cobo Hall (?)and no that is not me, how old do you think I am?

You can watch the film here:

http://www.archive.org/details/DetroitC1965

It’s 2011, Choose Your Path

I really want 2011 to be the year! The job hurdle has to be overcome but I feel that I cannot wait any longer, that there is a timetable not of my making. I jealously guard any steps forward and am loath to back track even when it may make sense.

Friends and family remind me that I have made great progress. I know it is true but I still feel stuck. To use a common metaphor, when your bell has rung, now cannot be too soon. To have the veil lifted from your eyes after a lifetime demands an immediate response






Reading A Writer at War: Vasily Grossman with the Red Army. A Christmas present from mom! He was a Soviet era war correspondent but wrote amazingly openly. The reports from Treblinka and the subsequent Russian occupation of Germany are heartbreaking.

http://www.sovlit.com/bios/grossman.html

Felt myself becoming rather depressed last night but managed to keep the black dogs at bay with a search for local head hunters and then an hour on the tread mill.

Jeez all this serious stuff sounding rather Russian myself.

Ok here is a totally guilty pleasure, too bad there isn't a punk version, Oh those Russians....

Hugs,


April

Hair Today...

Got out for coffee with Ashley on Saturday night. Very nice to be out and catch up. No, didn’t get my ears pierced yet, but I will, I promise.

I did however make it to the salon on Thursday after work. It was a near thing as a postponed meeting got in the way and I had to fight traffic and it seemed every red traffic light to get there on time.

Compared to my last attempt to visit to a salon this was one was a great success. The stylist, who was recommended by Ashley, was very nice and open. I showed her some photos and she understood what I wanted to end up with.

I just had a light trim as I am still growing out my hair. On Saturday as I was getting ready I seriously contemplated foregoing the wig. The cut looks more feminine but I feel the longer hair still helps mask male characteristics both physical and subconscious. I am also cursed with pin straight hair that makes it quite hard to disguise a male hairline.

It will be liberating to eventually abandon wigs. I don’t know how long I can continue to grow my hair as potential job interviews may force a no nonsense Don Draper cut if I can’t make my hair look sufficiently neat and masculine.

It was Ashley who showed up without any tonsorial enhancement and she looked great! Very feminine and very natural. Jealous of course but in a good way.

I did make one small advancement in presenting a more natural me, hormones and a flattering bra meant that for the first time I was able to venture out as April without breast forms. I am not quite ready to give them up yet but it does help with my overall confidence.

A little music to dance around like a loony to… while I was out on Saturday I caught the tail end of a Rockabilly radio show on satellite radio. “J” has Sirius in her Chrysler, while I have only the latest in 8-track technology in my Toronado. Anyway despite my vast and excellent musical knowledge I had never heard Kirby St. Romain’s cover of Chuck’s Oh Baby Doll.

Enjoy:




Hugs,

April