Detroit 9000

Back from my annual pilgrimage to the Motorcity. I must apologise for my absence, I hoped to blog from the road but the wireless in my hotel was spotty at best.

I had planned to cover the Autorama hot rod show (59th year) as I was commissioned to write an article, the new job meant I would be there on more "official" business as well.

Any excuse visit my favourite city (Memphis is a close second), I don't know if it is the fact that I am nuts about cars or I just have something for the underdog?

As usual I planned to say at the retro Milner Hotel and enjoy its faded glamour, the hotel is smack dap in the city's historical district next to the Opera House and a stones throw or should that be baseball throw from Comerica Park. I was a little disappointed that I didn't get my usual room. In past years I have for some reason been given exactly the same room on the eight floor with an excellent view of the neon M in Milner.

I was also agast to find that this time I was apparently not the only guest. Really last year I was there five days and never saw another living soul besides the staff, even at breakfast.

The Milner has the worlds smallest and oddest shaped elevator so leaving en femme is a little like playing Russian roulette, you never know who you will be up close an personal with. This year I was on seven and right besides the back stairs so I had my own private exit if I so desired.

The lobby is beautiful but you have to be a fan of the vintage to enjoy the rooms. Mine had ancient steam radiator that seemed to have a mind of its own and windows that only responded to brute force. I guess all my experience with old cars of various conditions gives me a different perspective than the usual business traveller.

The hot rod show was exhausting, I had a press pass to get in early on Friday and lugging two cameras around and the constant up and down to get a good shot left me dizzy. I was exhausted by the end of the day and just wanted to sleep. Saturday was to be my big day.

I had a few hours in the morning before I had to shoot some of the bands playing downstairs at COBO and the pin up girl contest. I had set the morning aside to get some b-roll of Woodmere Cemetray and the Mowtown building....Hitsville USA.

Why a cemetery well I did say in an earlier post I was going to try an pay my rather late respects to David Buick, founder of the eponymous company.

I also decided only the night before to do this all as April. I had brought a suitcase with a few outfits and shoes in case I could get out and maybe hit a mall or two.

Crossing the border on Thursday afternoon I had a very interesting experience with US Customs. As normal I presented my passport and explained why I was entering the United States. I guess with the longer hair I look different from my photo so she asked for a second piece of ID. Satisfied I was who I said I was she still wanted to look in the car. No problem, first thing she does is open the case with the shoes!

I thought you were travelling alone?

I am I said.

Who's shoes are these?

Mine.

What size are you?

Well I would like to say 10 1/2 but mostly 11.

I volunteer that I am transsexual and that I plan to transition this year. At that point she told me about a friend of hers who was transitioning from FtoM.

We had a quite a long conversation as she had a lot of questions (there was no one behind me), my most pleasant experience ever with US Customs. A year or two ago having to tell anyone about myself would have meant I would have died of embarrassment and shame. Progress I think.

Saturday morning I was up early showered and went down to breakfast. Back up to my room changing into jeans, purple top and cami and a black belted sweater as well as a heavier black winter coat with fur trim if it got colder. Grabbed my camera bag and tripod and went out through the stunning lobby. Retrieved the turbo Mitsubishi (presscar) and headed towards the river on Woodward then right on Forte Street to find Woodmere Cemetery. Woodmere like Atlanta's Oakland is a huge green spot in the midst of the city.

I drove in the front gates at 9:00AM and carefully negotiated the snowy lanes to eventually find the Allendale section.

I trudged through the deep snow each step a chore as I punctured the frozen crust, only the squirrels were light enough to dart cross the snow without sinking in. I made two laps tof the not insubstantial Allendale section before admitting defeat. I could not find the Buick marker, perhaps the tough Michigan winter had toppled the grave stone. A number had been thrown over frost heaved ground and lay illegible under the deep snow.

I am a stubborn girl so I screwed up my courage and went to the main office where I found the resident genealogist who provide me with a photocopy of an old map with the grave site marked. So intent was I on finding David Buicks grave that I nearly forgot I had just interacted with complete strangers ass April.

Unfortunately the map didn't help and I was forced to conclude that his was one of the fallen tomb stones. I hope to try again in better weather.

Next stop number 2648 West Grand Boulevard, Hitsville USA, the home of Motown Records. The studio was in almost constant 24 hour use from 1959 to 1971, with Motown eventually buying many of the neighbouring homes on the street to house various divisions and record company operations before eventually splitting for California in 1972. Perhaps Mr. Gordy just got tired of all that snow.

I took some exterior shots (no cameras allowed inside) then decided to go in. I thought I could just walk around by myself and look at the exhibits but found myself thrust into a tour group, "oh good your just time to join the group, with one of our best guides" the girl at the ticket desk instructed me...gulp.

The famous Studio A is simply a typical row house so things were cramped and there was no way I could keep a low profile. I think I did pretty well and did my best to go with the flow. I did keep my mouth shut when the tour guide asked if there were any foreign or out of state visitors. I don't recall any funny stares from adults or children and I slowly began to relax and enjoyed the tour.

I highly recommend the museum to anyone if they are visiting the Motorcity. The studio and equipment are pretty much as Marvin Gaye left it when he finished the last album ever recorded there. The office equipment and upstairs living quarters were as accurate as any episode of Mad Men, wish I could have taken some photos. Really like stepping back in time to the mid sixties, imagine all the music spilling out the doors, Diana Ross answering the phones and stepping outside to a street filled with new Cadillacs, Thunderbirds and Rivieras. perhaps Detroit at its industrial and cultural peak.

Part 2 tomorrow...

Here is the first #1 hit for Motown, Hugs April

Girls It Ain't Easy

One of the benefits of working at home is the ability to have some music on while I work....and to wear eyeliner. Pulled out a stack of CD's to keep the creative juices flowing, one that I had criminally not spun in a while was the double CD of the seventies soul girl group, Honey Cone. One listen and you can tell that the group were proteges of Holland/Dozier/Holland. Hat tip to my brother.

The group has a fascinating history which you can read about in more detail here:

http://www.soul-patrol.com/soul/honeycone.htm

You have to hear their version of Son of a Preacher Man, however today I give you Girls It Ain't Easy. The title certainly sums up what we are all going through and especially spouses and family.

Off to Motown on business this week...my favorite city in the world.

Photos are from Thursday and Sunday.

Hugs,

April

Strategic Retreat & Crisis of Confidence

I finally had a chance for a long sit down with my new boss about both short and long term business issues. It is not like this is a new relationship we have known each other for ten years and worked together for eight.

During our informal planning session he mentioned I should go back to wearing my hair in my usual "ducktail"/ rockabilly style, "that is the "A" I know. I said yeah well I am not really sure what I should do with it at this time. Don't wait to long otherwise you will look like a fag was the response

Sure I was a little taken back but more worrisome was the seed of doubt it planted in my mind about my planned coming out to him in six to eight months. What if he fires me, oh god I couldn't start again, more delays. The prospect seemed unbearable. Unlike the Biblical Jacob I do not have the patience or time to start again. Depression is however more than patient and is always looking for a way back in, I quickly found myself curled up and unresponsive in its suffocating grasp.

I don't believe that he meant it as a way to hurt but simply the typical banter between heterosexual guys. "J" says take it as a compliment, clearly he senses a change, the hormones at work, but cannot put his finger on it.

To return to the micro level, why does the idea of cutting my hair (delaying having my ears pierced) seem like such a retreat? It will grow again. Sure I am reluctant to give any ground on even the flimsiest signs of progress but perhaps more than that is that the old "A" no longer exits. To go back to pretending to be him would be both painful and false.

Some exercise and talking with "J" helped me gain some perspective but I am not out of the woods yet.

I was lucky enough to get out again on Sunday night but this isn't the time for those pictures. So instead I give you the car gals way of measuring snow fall. Oh and return visit from the Raveonettes:

My Hovercraft is Full of Eels

That is silly I don't even own a hovercraft. I don't exactly know what it was but last night I was struck with a serious fit of the giggles. You know when you start laughing and just can't stop until the tears are rolling down your cheeks. Not a good idea when wearing eyeliner and mascara.

I had he opportunity to get out with the girlfriends (or as I know them trouble making enablers ;)) last night. The three of us had the privilege of accompanying Heather on her first night out en femme. She did great by the way, very natural and if she was nervous she hid it well. It was a pleasure to catch up with Ashley and Natasha, hope we can get out again soon.

We started with a bite to eat a Thai restaurant, excellent noodles and green tea. Everyone was relaxed and joking, it started when someone said something about Buicks and my trunk being full of something…weasels…I don't know but that was all it took. I could not help thinking of the Monty Python, "Dirty Hungarian Phrase Book" sketch and I was a goner.

Perhaps the stress of the week, a new job, two important meeting earlier in the day and the rush to get ready was too much. All that stress needed a safety valve and laughter was a great release.

Later we went to a club down the street then home at a somewhat reasonable hour.

Everyone repeat after me, "My Hovercraft is Full of Eels".

Hugs,

April

Coward or Knowing When to Shut Up?

I would not say that I have conquered my depression, rather with support from my family, some progress on my journey and therapy I have fought it to a cold war standstill.

Unfortunately little things can still set me off and the black dogs slip their chains.

Sunday was an extended family gathering, over lunch the topic of the Thai airline that recruited and hired transsexual flight attendants came up. What we see as a small but welcome sign of acceptance in the wider world

was greeted with skepticism, ridicule and confusion.

I find it hard to describe how hurt and angry I felt. I wanted to deliver a stern lecture regarding the difference between transvestite and transsexual. I wanted to make a case for equal rights and tell them about the often life or death struggle anyone trans must go through.

Of course I instead stayed silent, a well intentioned defence would only raise questions I was not yet prepared to answer. Like a tropical storm front my face clouded over and I lapsed into silence for the rest of the gathering. I caught that knowing look from "J", the one that says I know but shake it off and put on a brave face. Unlike her I am terrible at hiding my emotions….a womanly trait I have yet to master?

I guess what hurt was that this person/people will know all about me soon enough, perhaps before the year is out. I don't want to be the punch line in anyone's joke. I should be more charitable and put it all down as an idle comment born of ignorance and instead look forward to ambassadorial role to come.

On the plus side I got to walk my daughter to school this morning and played a spirited game of tag before the bell rang.

Hugs,

April

Day One Year Zero

Not to make fun of the bloody history of Cambodia but in my own life a revolution has taken place. Today (St.Valentine's Day) no I didn't plan it that way, is the first day of my new job working from home.

I wish it meant my first day as April 24/7 but I hope that will come this year. That is my plan, that is my goal and this job is a big part of it, fingers crossed it will allow me the freedom to finally be me.

I am at the computer dressed casually as April, jeans, bra, white t-shirt, a little eye makeup, wonderfully normal.

Lots of challenges ahead but I am excited, I was ready to go this morning, I have not looked forward to getting to work for some time. I am basically doing the same job I did before but more responsibility and more creative control.

I didn't get out on the weekend as we had lots of family stuff going on. I was "J's" escort to a formal affair at a very exclusive country club. It was a dinner for her company. Lots of looking for a dress beforehand, for her not me, I just wore my black suit. She looked great in her new outfit, black too, I think all the women in attendance wore black...very funereal.

Looked enough like a guy though my hair is too long. "J" later told me I was sitting too feminine. To make matters worse I was unsure what to drink, "J" says order a Cosmopolitan. All the guys are drinking beer and I am walking around with a pink drink in a Martini glass, only the little umbrella was missing.

Interacted well enough though an undercurrent of sadness as I felt somewhat the impostor and somewhat too comfortable in a role I wish I could abandon. Still a really nice evening out.

Hugs,

April

Feeling Normal

I had the opportunity to get out with my girlfriend Natasha last night, which improved my outlook on life tremendously. Window shopping at the mall then coffee for a long chat, lots to catch up on as we had not been out together since before Christmas.

I do get out on a semi regular basis but usually only for coffee with the girls or a rare trip to downtown Toronto. A trip to mall was a little nerve racking, on "J's" advice I went with a black jacket with fur edging instead of the leopard so I would blend in as much as possible. Despite some initial butterflies I was OK, held my head up and walked with confidence.

It was a quiet night so we were waylayed by every salesperson in every store we went in. A surprising number knew Natasha!

None of the gourmet coffee places stay open late so we settled for the Canadian staple, Tim Hortons.

The GID had been very strong the last few days and the chance to just be me for an evening has left me considerably more relaxed. Is this how "normal" people feel all the time?

Hugs,

April

I think I featured Shakin Stevens the other week so how about another eighties Rockabilly cat, Robert Gordon. Here he is on the cult Canadian sketch comedy show, SCTV:

End of the Beginning

I apologize as it has been a day or two since my last post. Tuesday was my final day at my old job, we had a company lunch, I took the last of my personal stuff to my car, said good bye to all the guys. I made a final few calls to clients, handed over my computer and phone passwords then drove home.

It was surprisingly emotional but I didn't look back. In September I would have been there ten years, unimaginable when I started. It was kind of like leaving home, so many memories whether good or bad, I still spent a fair percentage of my life there.

I knew I had been doing the job too long when I would look back on a project and think it was last year and it was actually five years ago. After so, long all the seasons and episodes blended into each other.

Tuesday night I was emotionally drained and totally physically exhausted all I wanted to do was sleep.

Another issue that has kept me from blogging is dealing with my eldest daughter. I have naturally been reluctant to discuss any details but the purpose of this blog is to be honest and not candy coat the realities of being Trans.

Not yet a teenager, the normally happy student and gifted writer has developed an aversion to school. There are other issues but my transition is at the top of her list of worries.

I feel terribly guilty and thoughts of giving up on my transition abound. The black tendrils of depression once again encircled my heart and I felt myself shutting down. I believed myself to be a selfish monster.

I attended a school that was very religious though not evangelical, I always read that God only sets us tasks we normally would never want to do. At first I thought that was transition, rather it appears that not transitioning is the task I do not wish to embark on. I am not that strong, the years before me of pretending to be a guy, to play the role of strong silent family man. Content to numb himself with a succession of old cars, politics, history books anything to distract me.

I escaped into exercise until the sweat stung my eyes and matted my hair to my head. I cursed God, for making me this way, for making me too weak to fight it, to take this bitter cup from before me. I told him to strike me down with a heart attack, make my car slide on the ice and crash, I double dog dared him. I ran and ran till I fell off the tread mill putting my foot through the wall, the only injury being to my pride.

I had a long talk with "J", not transitioning is NOT the answer. To try and go back now is impossible, relationships have permanently changed and as she reminded me a happy and engaged parent is better than an emotionally dead shell of a man. As she noted before the only photos of me smiling are as April.

The long march forward continues, big changes are on the horizon, I need to be positive so I am there for my children.

Hugs,

April

Here is a tune by Sweden's Top Cats, this will get you going better than a cup of Starbucks:

Important Anniversaries, Commercials and Zombies

First a couple of missed anniversaries, I recently passed one hundred posts (where is my medal) and more importantly Sunday was the hundredth anniversary of Ronald Reagan’s birth.

“The Gipper” is seen by both sides of the political divide as a totemic figure worthy of quoting to make a point. It was during his first term in office that I realized I was a conservative. It took me longer to realize other things about myself and no I don’t find the two to be mutually exclusive.

I always thought he was a great man and the undeserved scorn heaped upon him by the pundits lead me to a healthy distrust of the media and taught me to think for myself more than any school or university.

This is not a political blog so I won’t go any further except to say what another giant of my youth, Margaret Thatcher said at his funeral,

"Well done, Thou good and faithful servant."

An epitaph that anyone should be proud.

To see some of his greatest speeches check out the always excellent Ace of Spades blog:

http://ace.mu.nu/

I am not a fan of football (or any sports really) but I do love advertising. Car commercials predominated at the Superbowl. VW takes the win for their pint sized Darth Vader but the Miss Evelyn Camaro ad made me want to sign my life away one easy payment at a time. Anyone else think Miss Evelyn looked like Joan from Mad Men?

I will not claim to be a “Gleek” but I really did enjoy last nights episode. Being more of a traditionalist, there I go being a conservative again, the version of the Zombies, She’s Not There, in full zombie makeup was super cool.

Of course a little while ago I would not have even admitted to watching this show, I would have locked myself in the garage and cleaned and regapped some spark plugs. See even conservatives can change. Look at that I tied everything up neatly, see you'll tomorrow.

Hugs,

April

Astral Ascension

My tenure at my own Sterling Cooper is almost over. I have slowly de-contented my office of books, car parts (a surprisingly large number) and pictures.

Wednesday morning will feel so strange I am sure I will have to stop myself from driving to work on autopilot. On the way to work I was thinking about all the cars I have driven here over the last nine years; three different Lincoln Continental Mark IVs (still have two of them), 1970 Riviera GS (destroyed in an accident), a Stutz Blackhawk and my current daily driver Toronado. Of course there were a few more but these were the ones in regular service. My in car music delivery has evolved from cassette to cd changer to ipod.

Listening to the Cramps today, great band. Hearing them for the first time was almost as eye opening as hearing Elvis’ Sun sessions. A sound that opened whole new vistas. If I could be in a band it would be this one.

My brother and I even saw them live one time and lived to tell! We were up at the front of the stage for the opening act (lame) when the Cramps came on we were swamped by a crush of crazed fans and pummelled by a sonic wall of noise, Lux’s screaming and Ivy’s staccato guitar. It was all we could do to make it up to the relative safety of the balcony and pray our hearing survived. They were playing when I was in Las Vegas on business many years later, I wish I had gone.

Lux passed away in 2009, his partner/wife/band mate Poison Ivy gave him a most appropriate and loving farewell at the Self Realization Fellowship, Elvis’ own spiritual hang out in LA.

Read all about his Astral Ascension here:

http://blogs.laweekly.com/westcoastsound/2009/03/lux_interiors_astral_ascension.php#

Almost as cool as my own preferred Viking funeral and black marble pyramid final resting place. Or if on a budget I will accept one of those weeping Victorian angels.

As you might tell from this live performance, being Trans would not have raised any eyebrows in this group.

The above photos are from the Date with Elvis album (one of their best) and a real early version of the band with Miriam Linna of Kicks and Norton Records fame. Read about her early history with the Cramps at her blog:

http://kicksville66.blogspot.com/2009/05/my-first-band-cramps-1976-pt-1.html

Hugs,

April

PS. YOU’RE A CRAMP NOW! YOU CAN’T GO BACK

I Survived the Groundhog Day Storm and am Still Waiting for my T Shirt

Looks like I survived the snowmageddon. Safe and warm back home at the end of the day. Came home to find "J" had cleaned the driveway to perfection! Thanks!

Made it into work at my usual time. Roads were quiet but a little slippery, most roads on my commute had yet to be plowed. Was in before my soon to be former boss…ha ;)

Toronados rule!

Feeling rather useless and out of place at work as the last few days of my sentence are served. I have been training a replacement (like I could be replaced). Don't feel like answering any more questions, want to get on with my new life! It is like having the ghost of Christmas future looking over my shoulder constantly.

I understand he just wants to put his own mark on things but man it is annoying.

Confident in my decision to leave.

Have been watching season three of Mad Men, the episode where Don and Betty go to Rome was great. It was interesting as I found myself identifying with Betty, especially as she so coolly and expertly fielded advances from the locals. Check out the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_bZruCcNIc

And Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow….so early spring!

On a sad note tomorrow is February 3rd....

Hugs,

April

Is it Snowpocalypse or Snowmageddon?

Let the count down begin. It is now a week until my last snowy road, speed trap, bleary eyed morning commute, well to this place at least. I have been training a temporary replacement, kind of like writing your own eulogy.

Few people know I am leaving and surprisingly word has not spread, really? I thought I would be the hot topic this week, oh well, just wait until they found out about the other.

Big snowfall predicted for tonight and tomorrow, no I will not be in a rush to risk my life to be at my desk on time. It was certainly never appreciated in the past. Sorry trying not to be bitter. On wards and upwards, to the toppermost of the poppermost as John Lennon and the guys were want to say.

Relatively confident that the FWD Toronado can handle the worst Mother Nature can dish out. Better check on the Electra and Eldorado on the way home.

I have been catching up on season 3 of Mad Men; “Guy Walks into an Advertising Agency” has to be the best episode ever. I grew up reading old early sixties Mad magazines and always wanted to work on Madison Ave in the grey flannel suit days, so this show is perfect for me. I actually do work in a form of advertising just without the three martini lunches, money or glamour.

Here is a rare picture of me with glasses (and for good reason, planning on switching back to contacts) as they say, guys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses...

Hugs,

April