A Gentleman

“J’s” father passed away late Monday morning, she had been by his side almost constantly since he entered the hospice.

He was in considerable discomfort, it was difficult for her to watch and do her best to comfort him. She did a great job, was very strong and I am sure helped him find peace at the end. “J” has a strong faith that has helped her cope; I only wish mine were as strong.

Her father was a gentleman. He really was a wonderful person, worked on the line at Chrysler when the cars still had fins, became a police officer, adopted three children, built is own house. He was an artist, though I am sure he would not describe himself that way, both in photography and carving. A car guy, backyard mechanic and all round handyman in that great Popular Mechanics tradition.

He always put me at ease and would let me ramble on about cars. I never heard him get mad or upset.



She has lost the Atlas holding up her world.


April

Favourite Bedtime Stories

What a day, for the second night in a row I was up till 3:00 AM working on the laptop. Unfortunately the project only took till half past midnight, compatibility errors/bug (?) between Microsoft Word 2010 and older versions of documents I was modifying.

The problem meant two and a half hours of misery and creative cursing. Some team members were able to open the file, others got error messages.

Finally decided to cut the Gordian knot and recreate the file this morning on the older Dell PC in the basement the children use….would have been a lot quicker if I had done that in the beginning.

Totally stressed this morning as it is now late in the day and still lots to get done.

My recent enforced return to the closest so to speak is pretty depressing but it cannot be helped. “J”’s father is ill and she has unselfishly spent every evening by his side.

Like a good book that you turn to when in need of cheering up I have sought out the history of those who have gone before. I have written about April Ashley and Amanda Lear in earlier posts. I don’t seek to emulate these women (I don’t think I could) but I do draw strength from their example. To have transitioned in the sixties must have taken considerable will power and self-awareness.

In this more enlightened though less cool age transition should be a heck of a lot easier. I enjoy rereading their stories as it is a reminder that all is possible and I too will get there.

Hugs,

April

Out Like A Lion

Despite a week of spring like weather that had car guys and gals around here exhuming their rides for what promised to be an early driving season, winter roared back with a vengeance yesterday.

In the preceding sunny days I spotted a few C4 Vettes, Harleys and one pro stock 63 Dodge Polara!

Yesterday’s storm is on record as the worst of the season and the biggest after the first day of spring since 2005.

It started around five am and did not let up until late last night. I shovelled the drive way twice and still this morning it looked like I hadn’t done a thing. Now it was worse, all the wet snow had turned to ice, making shovelling even more of a chore.

I had to drive to a lunch meeting in Mississauga yesterday, I took the FWD Toronado and I am glad I did as the roads were unplowed and very slippery. Lots of impatient drivers and lots of accidents, a great day to have stayed home as the police were advising.

It would have been a good day for shopping if you don’t like crowds….

Up too late last night working on a business proposal, hope all that midnight oil was worth it. Pictures are of the Toronado yesterday and the Lincoln undercover this morning, the drifting snow having given her fangs and a more prominent nose.

What is a post without a musical interlude. Today I give you the Bloody Tomahawks. One half of this duo is the great Rev. Frost who regularly offers up crazed rockin’ mixes to download via his blog, direct form South of Hell, France as he like to say.

I highly recommend the tracks Bursting Love and their version of the Cramps, Garbage man:

http://www.reverbnation.com/thebloodytomahawks

Here is the link to his music blog:

http://reverendfrost.blogspot.com/

Hugs,

April

8 Track ipod

Meeting with clients the other day, wore my blue suit and drove the Electra since the president is a car guy and wanted to see my latest acquisition.

The meeting went very well and I hope to have his company as a sponsor for the 2011 season, but trying not to count my chicks before they hatch.

Felt like quite the executive, suit, big car and with the Stones , Gimmie Shelter on the 8 track (well playing through an old cassette adapter hooked to my ipod) it was quite the seventies flash back. I was still playing with Hot Wheels sized cars in the seventies.

Hard not wonder if they would have listened to April (met with president, VP and Marketing head who was a woman) especially if they knew me before.

The meeting was a hit and quite a high, for a short while I felt great but you can't constantly bat home runs to chase the blues away.

When looking up videos for this post I came across that great scene near the end of Goodfellas where the Henry Hill character is going crazy trying to do a dozen things at once, seems like my life sometimes, minus the strung out on coke part... enjoy:

How I Spent March Break

It has a been a busy March Break, no I was not off partying in Fort Lauderdale with all the college students…they do still do that don't they? I never saw the need to head south to party, I always had papers to write and exams to study for. I was an awful boyfriend, nose in a book when she would visit, but "J" stuck with me anyway.

The new job and "J's" father getting very ill meant I did my best to balance work and looking after the girls while they were home this week. Nothing special, movies, pizza dropping them off with my mother when I had to attend a last minute meeting in person. Sunday was better and we all went to see Disney on Ice. Being stuck (imprisoned) in guy mode meant I was rather dour.

Saturday I spent a good few hours washing the winter grime from they Town & Country, the Toronado and some detailing on the Electra. The Buick has already been pressed onto regular service easily swallowing the children in its cavernous back seat and a trunk that could hold six months worth of groceries. Gas mileage around town…about what you would expect. OPEC sends me valentines cards.

My attempt to make a few baby steps forward was a bit of bust, only just made it to the salon appointment on Friday evening and no time to get my ears pierced. Still a little worried how that will go over at work. I will still need a wig for the foreseeable future but should be able to dump it eventually, so long as I don't have to go back to short back and sides for work considerations.

My level of motivation, for all things took a hit this week. It took me a while to realize it but I was/am depressed, well d'oh! Actually I think I have been depressed for much longer, about the same period that I have been able to go out. Instead of more freedom, I feel more constrained. It is not the job but temporary family issues that have meant I am needed at home all the time.

Going out as April is so necessary but fraught with such anxiety, I always feel rushed, never time to relax and get ready. Just ask any of my friends how many times I have actually made it on time. It is like transitioning and de-transitioning all in one evening, the longer the period in between outings the harder it gets. I doubt I am explaining myself as I would wish but just trying to organize my thoughts helps.

Honestly I feel like a total shit complaining and feeling sorry for myself I (but that is what depression is all about), who want to write that in a blog about themselves? My grandmother, "J's" dad and my brother in Japan, all much more important and immediate problems.

Here's to a better week for all.

Hugs,

April

The video was sent to me by a car friend, vintage racing car crashes with a haunting tune by A. A. Brody called "Killed Myself When I Was Young. I don't think you can take your eyes away from the amazing footage.

I like the song, I first thought of suicide when at university, depressed by my imminent flunking out of business school (I did eventually manage to get my MBA) and perhaps other worries. But that is a post for another time.

Killed Myself When I Was Young from The Jalopy Journal on Vimeo.

Shut Up and Sing

I feel more than a little churlish bitching about my life when there are such bigger problems in the world. My mother is dealing with her mothers passing, "J's" father is not well (we had a scare yesterday) and my brother is in Tokyo sharing an island with a score of unstable nuclear reactors.

I found myself becoming very depressed this week over more than personal loss, the damn dysphoria picked just the wrong time to stage a come back. For the last couple of weeks I have felt myself on a knife edge teetering between hope and despair.

Shopping with "J" and the girls at Winners seemed to bring it on full force. Although I had time to look around myself I was in despised male mode and not comfortable browsing. In fact I found myself becoming more and more depressed, the proximity of the feminine world and my inability to fully join it added to my misery. Sometimes I want to weep with frustration...

It has been some time since I have been shopping in either boy or girl mode and I felt rusty.

Funny enough I am sure I spotted one of my own at the store, she looked great and even I was unsure but height (sigh) and the fact she was wearing a skirt and heels was the tell when all the GG's in the store were in jeans or pants of some sort. Actually I am here to praise her as I am sure she passed 100% with everyone else.

I was planning to get out for a quick coffee with a friend as April but the shopping trip went too long for me to get ready on time. As a result I had to cancel at the last minute. That did it, I was officially down for the count. My heart was not in it, I wanted to wallow in my own misery.

Once the black dog gets its teeth in you all one's other worries come out to play, can I pass, will I ever pass, perhaps I should just give up. It is all an impossible dream. Do yourself a favour and just be the guy you were physically born as.

No I am not out into the light again but nothing is achieved without hard work and planning. Time to make some things happen, even if they are baby steps.

Time to remember to stop whining and start singing. Nobody but me can make it happen...

Great "garage" version of the Human Beinz, Nobody But Me by the Norwegian girl group The Launderettes:

Hugs,

April

Long Black Limousine

The funeral for my grandmother was this morning. Lincoln limousines not Caddys.

As they say funerals are for the benefit of the living not the departed. My mother gave a beautiful eulogy that made her mother's life come alive in the minds eye of all those in attendance.

Like the title of this post suggests, I was going to use Elvis' version of Long Black Limousine but...

In guy mode I was suitably stoic but the minister had prepared a video montage of her life. The music he chose was the one song guaranteed to make me cry, Into the West, Journey's End from the conclusion to Lord of the Rings. It was all I could do to keep myself together but still I felt the tears come.

The photo is from her wedding day in 1941, she looks like a movie star.

Hugs,

April

Tired and Sleepy

Most of yesterday was spent at the funeral home and later at my mothers planning the funeral. The funeral home was very good striking the necessary balance between commercialism and compassion.

I was fine during most of the day but as we approached the end of the planning process I had to excuse myself and go sit in the car for a minute least I start sobbing....you know something guys aren't supposed to do.

Recovering from a lack of sleep yesterday as I received a call at 2:45 AM about the earthquake in Japan. My brother and his family live in Tokyo so naturally we were all worried. He was able to send an e-mail very soon and my mother was able to speak with him yesterday to everyone's relief.

The weekend looks as if it will be a busy one and the funeral is Monday morning.

Joys and Sorrows

One of the benefits of working from home is the that I see my children more and can walk them to school in the morning without fear of being late.

All three have such different personalities it is amazing, yesterday "V" (the real live wire) and I walked together and arriving early at the playground she initiated her favorite game, tag. Before I knew it a number of her friends had been drafted, of course I was it.

What a work out! The game has evolved over the school year it includes all sorts of arcane rules such as timeouts, T (safety zones), 10 second no tag backs and the ever popular prohibition on monkey guarding.

What a wonderful feeling, like being a kid again.

I had mentioned the other day that my Grandmother has not been well for some time. Since I saw her last on Sunday she had taken a turn for the worst. Her indomitable spirit that had carried her through so many years and through cruel imprisonment in her own body by a stoke, was finally failing her.

Family and work commitments kept me away the last two days, this morning on the way to filming I stopped in at the home to check on her... I had missed her by only twenty minutes.

We had spent a lot of time together when I was a child and far from home. It sounds archaic but I am in mourning, there is no better word.

She is at peace now, free from pain and I trust in a far better place.

April

The Bravest Woman I Know

International Women's Day, hmm. As someone who was in the closet since forever the annual media onslaught as to how hard women had it was hard to take.

Please don't get me wrong I agree with all the statistics about earning less and the potential for violence against women.

As a man I just hated being cast as the bad guy when all I wanted to do was join the other team. I am sure in my frustration I reacted with my share of vitriol and sarcastic remarks.

I will still argue that it is tough to be a man these days….. doubly so if you don't want to be one.

Some have taken the opportunity today to mention women that have inspired them. To that list I would like to add my grandmother. I was lucky enough to spend a lot of time with both grandparents when I was at boarding school, especially those bitter sweet "home weekends".

A member of the Greatest Generation" she is one of the bravest people I have ever met stoically bearing years of illness with a grace few if any could muster.

The same bravery I imagine she and other Londoners displayed during the war.

Hugs,

April

Black Coffee, Vikings, Snow and Jealousy

No I am not referring to a Norse hook up or anything to do with SPAM.

I have found that my ability to focus, especially when creative writing is the order of the day can at times be nearly impossible. Blood from a stone and all that. An absent muse is serious business as much of my job involves the creative use of words. Some professional scribblers a certain Mr. King among them never seem to lack for inspiration. I was relieved to learn from a freelance journalist and friend that he experiences the same problem and the completion of an article or business proposal is the mental equivalent of a couple of rounds in the ring.

Coffee and music (loud music) are the missing ingredient in my creative process. Suffering from a severe case of adult ADD and a side order of depression and dysphoria I brewed up a fresh pot of joe and dug out my favourite classic soundtrack CD I had made a few years ago. It features a selection of tracks from the 13th Warrior, Pirates of the Caribbean, Last of the Mohicans and Star Wars…oh and a little Mozart thrown in for good measure.

Southern Ontario has enjoyed some above freezing but rainy weather the last few days firmly implanting thought of spring in the heads of car guys and gals. I even managed to snatch an hour or two yesterday to work on the Electra and test fit the replacement fiberglass filler panel between they rear bumper and quarter panel. The fiberglass repops are cheap but need considerable finessing to make fit. So much adjusting to do before the piece looks right.

Last night the rain turned into freezing rain then snow, I spent two hours Sunday morning scrapping, shovelling and moving cars so that the driveway would have that pristine blacktop look that "J" likes so much.

Now I hope that discussing other things unrelated to being Trans does not brand me as not sufficiently transsexual. I blog because it helps me with my depression and GID and I write about what I know and what I enjoy. Sometimes it is the trials and tribulations of being transsexual sometimes it is cars and music. I enjoy other blogs that talk about their day to day lives, it humanizes us.

I have been following Lucy's journey with great interest and am delighted to hear that she is doing well and in good spirits but I can't help feeling oh so jealous. It is a complex mixture of jealousy, fear and self doubt. My own road seems so long will I ever make it?

Hugs,

April

From the Mouth of Babes

This morning I had to attend a parent observation morning for my youngest in kindergarten. The children were asked how they felt that morning and to each use a different word to describe themselves. One little girl said pretty, some of the boys demured saying you can't feel pretty. The teacher said no that is correct she can feel pretty. "Then how would we describe our guest, can we use the word pretty?" I don't think Mr. X feels pretty, do you think he feels pretty? How about a word beginning with H, how about handsome?"

I could feel myself turning a little red at the absurdity of it all and a little sad at being pointed out as male. I also noticed with some chagrin that my youngest was trying to tell her friend that no daddy is pretty sometimes...no one heard her.

The teacher later spoke to me about my new job telling me that it was my daughter who told her all about it, if she mentioned anything else the teacher did not let on.

Laser appointment at 7:00 today, I would go as April but I don't shave for a day or two beforehand so the technician can see where the hairs are. The session went well, I really don't mind the pain. I always look forward to my appointments as the staff are so nice and for a brief moment I am one of the girls.

I am very happy for our own Lucy especially as everything seems to be going well, wow to wake up a woman such a long held wish from childhood. Does she, would I feel any different? Thanks for continuing blogging and bringing us the news from the front line.

Hugs,

April

Apropos of nothing except that I really like the tune is Toronto's own Handsome Ned:

To see some cool animated Edward Gorey go here:

http://www.freewebs.com/goreyfan/

Detroit 9000 Redux

My rare trip out as April in the daylight and doing my job was a great confidence boost even though I didn't find Mr. Buick's grave.

I high tailed it back to the hotel and changed quickly into guy mode and returned to film more of the hot rod show at Cobo Hall, specifically some of the rockabilly bands playing

and the Miss Autorama pageant. Not yo

ur usual bikini car show rather a rockabilly/kustom kulture/burlesque inspired beauty contest.

Professional hair and makeup artists specializing in the fifties pin up girl look so popular in the kustom life style were on hand to help any contestants who wanted it. I captured some of the preparations on film for television and some still images for the article. Jealous certainly but more in the dysphoria way than any wish to be on stage. To say that the contest was popular was an understatement, I had to fight my way to the front through a sea of guys to get the camera set up.

The girls both professional and amateur did a great job, looks weren't everything as they were also judged on fashion and appreciation of the rockabilly ethos. Each had to name their favourite car, god forbid anyone mentioned a muscle car (as opposed to a chopped Merc or deuce coupe). Two professional models from the more mainstream part of the show upstairs participated and I was pleased to note both were very tall over six feet.

I finished up a little earlier than I thought so I grabbed a Greek salad at the bar just down the street from the Milner. Still having some time on my hands I decided to venture out again, this time to GiGi's. I had brought a LBD with me but was uncertain whether I would have the time or opportunity to wear it on this trip. Was I nervous leaving the hotel, walking through the lobby or down the street to retrieve my car...nope...more progress.

I had been to GiGi's before, a legendary gay club in Detroit that has a drag show and is a hangout for transgendered/transsexual girls. The club was not packed but lots of other girls were there and I had a chance to chat with quite a few of them. Like all Detroiters I met, unfailingly friendly and no matter what gender always ready to talk cars. No dancing as the music was too modern disco for my liking as you can tell from the blog my taste runs several decades older.

Sunday morning back to the show at 10:00 AM to shoot some more still images and conduct an interview for a second article I am working on. As I walked back to my car I bid farewell to the city and took one or two more shots of the skyline. I have journeyed to Las Vegas many times for car business (SEMA) and although a cool place I am more than ready to leave after five days, Detroit is different, leaving always feels different, sad, a little like leaving home.

The drive home was better too, last year I was filled with despair as I returned to a job that would never let me transition. Things are not certain at the new job but there is hope, it is up to me now.

Working on a deal to be back soon on business and maybe April full time at next years show....

Hugs,

April

Here is Jack Scott, Windsor & Detroit Rockabilly hero: