It has been a while but the dark angel of depression enfolded me in her suffocating wings once again.
I have been working extremely hard at my new job to prove myself, to earn my salary in new business within the first couple of months, at that point I would tell my boss That I plan to transition. Thanks to some initially successful deals I was tantalizingly close to achieving my goal.
As of last week two signed sealed and delivered deals were now in jeopardy, I saved one but the larger one is now up in the air. After an exhausting week and many late nights working on proposals I did not have the energy to fight off the depression and welcomed the despair and sadness like an old friend. I retreated to bed still in my suit incapable of making dinner and seeking only the oblivion of dreamless sleep.
Once again I was failing my wife and family just adding to my feelings of worthlessness.
A true warrior whether male or female dusts themselves off and starts to plan a counter attack, sometimes I feel so damn tired. I am in a tough business (aren't we all these days) which requires a doggedness and level of entrepreneurship I fear I sometimes lack.
Perhaps I also secretly fear that I know that my bosses reaction will be negative and all this will be for naught.
Tomorrow is another day and right now I will take solace in the words of the Bishop of London who opened his sermon at the Royal wedding today with this quote:
“Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire.”
Hugs,
April
You have given some insight into how much like planning a military campaign it is to function at a high level while suffering with depression. You desperately need that sleep that the situation is depriving you of, you probably have not been eating as properly as you know you must and so on.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find a way to regroup, get your strength back and succeed April.
I'm like a yo yo when it comes to depression or feeling great. Unfortunately I can sometimes get caught in the low end for long periods. Getting on anti-depressants helped level me out. If you find yourself too long in the depths you may want to consider them.
ReplyDeleteI loved that quote from the Bishop and will try to remember it when the "d" comes as she does.
ReplyDeleteIf I may offer my attempt at pushing "d" away - a little St. John's Wort (from the hated Wal-Mart or any where else) and a good 3-4 mile walk somewhere where I like the views. Getting my blood flowing, being away from anyone and letting my thoughts run their course seems to help me start to break her grip. Doesn't always work right away, but it usually does the trick ultimately.
Good luck sister.
Karin