I had to visit a friend and client the other week I had not seen in almost two years. We had kept in touch with the odd phone call and e-mail but our schedules never meshed.
I finally pinned him down for a lunch meeting.
At his facility I met some of his employees I had also not seen in some time. I wore a suit, I combed my hair in as masculine a fashion as possible. But I didn’t look the same, the hormones have subtlety changed my face, my hair is longer than I ever had it before, I have lost weight. I guess it is a good thing I didn’t get my ears pierced yet.
We had a good meeting and seemingly picked up where we had left off. In a follow up call today he told me that my new “look” was the talk of his office, that he preferred my old rockabilly hairstyle, that I looked CONFUSED, a phrase he repeated a number of times. “You know” he went on, “in this industry you want to have a certain look, you know how car guys are”.
I laughed off his critique and did my best to steer the conversation back to business. Inside I was panicking, He Knows, they know OMG….he can see it!!!
I have lived so long with my secret to have it written on my face is terrifying. I don’t believe it will affect his decision to do business with us. However, clearly I need to tell my boss soon as possible.
That is another worry, my relationship with my boss is closer to that of a friend and I am afraid my eventual revelation will be seen as a betrayal.
And I thought I would have nothing exciting to write about today.
I agree. You walk around for your whole life with this secret so close to the surface, yet so far. Then, when the cracks are big enough and people get a peek, it's unsettling. I am going through something of the same. I am in the National Guard and have the miltary-short hair cut, but I've been on hormones for the last year. The changes are big, but I thought they weren't too big. Except that in the past two months, four people have asked me if I were gay. (in totally ok settings and context)
ReplyDeleteIt's unsettling to me; to think that what I thought was hidden; and kind of needs to be for at least 3.5 years, is clearly not. I've never been asked this kind of question before, now it just seems like validation of what I'm going through. Bring it on. Except for the military, of course.
Anyway, I enjoy your blog. Good luck.