I feel that my life is at a crossroads, the time has come to tell my employer, the gateway to me going full time sooner rather than (much) later.
To say nothing and preserve the status quo, that road sees me cut my hair and put April on ice (a 45 right between the eyes for that pushy broad) or perhaps try and integrate her into my predominantly male life. I think it is all or nothing, living only for those stolen moments as my true self would be too painful.
The other road sees me open my arms to the possibilities of the universe, the real fear of financial ruin, public scorn and loss of a relatively comfortable middle class existence. The promise of success and the joy of becoming the woman I was supposed to be.
I'm tired of waiting on you…
Hugs,
April
April
ReplyDeleteMy very best wishes that things go well, no matter which road you choose.
Louise
Sometimes the only way to tell if something is going to be the right fit is to try it on. Of course looking good and feeling good in woman's clothes is way different that living a full time life as a woman.
ReplyDeleteEven feeling comfortable working and interacting as a woman comes up short of really being a woman. The acknowledgment that you a differently made from a woman born female may seem trifle now, but one day maybe years from now that difference which we so often dismiss as a birth anomaly can hit you like a ton of bricks.
If we were suppose to be a woman then how come we married and fathered children? There's some logic missing here. Yes I understand trying to live up to the expectations of others is difficult. There seems to be nothing in it for us.
I understand the need to transition because I did it. No one could have stopped me and I'm not here to try and stop you. But if you at some point say to yourself, "sh#t what have I done?" "How could I hurt those I love?" Know you are not alone. It's a journey of self discovery and sometimes the roads we choose aren't the easy ones.
Best wishes,
Teri
Today's values imposed on men are quite strict of how they can behave, what they can wear, and how they groom themselves. I look at other societies and ages where men would wear war paint and beautiful clothes, not the dull monotonous clothes and grooming imposed on men in this current society.
ReplyDeleteI was watching Dog the Bounty Hunter, and his appearance is hardly acceptable in conventional society.
I urge you not to kill off your April personality - you will regret it. You have come so far - it would be a pity for you to throw away a vital part of your personality.
I really hate how I am expected to conform to the dull dreary appearance men are expected to conform to. I am seriously thinking of becoming more feminine in my appearance with hormones so if I wear a dress and wear makeup and have long hair I will look like a genuine woman and not the proverbial "man in a dress."
I can feel that you are going to do it. Although it is not the path for me personally, my heart goes out to you, April and, as I have said before, it won't result in you losing your job.
ReplyDeleteMy father always used to say that things never turn out as bad as you fear or as good as you hope - probably very true
I had an interesting experience when I was busted for public intoxication (only arrest in my life). I was wearing a dress and a pair of women's sandals, and had a lot of wine. I put my wallet and keys in my purse and went for a walk over to the neighborhood park. When I was halfway through walking on a trail I was arrested by a couple of female cops, and I had to spend overnight in jail. When I was bailed out, I had to put my street clothes back on, which was the dress and sandals. Then I had to walk across the street to the bondsman's office past visitors.
ReplyDeleteAt no time was I ridiculed for wearing the dress which was amazing. I had to appear on traffic court for the charge, and no mention was made of what I was wearing at all.
So if being April floats your boat, by all means become the woman you want to be. After all, NO GUTS NO GLORY.
PLEASE....PLEASE, READ THIS....
ReplyDeletehttp://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/Warning.html
OR...At the very LEAST drop by my blog and get te short version.....
http://anna-es-asi.blogspot.com/
THEN...if you are still in your PINK FOG, TRY, to read this.....
http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:http://www.mtftransition.com/t-girl.htm
Best Wishes,
Anne
Dear Anne,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry I think you have misunderstood my last posting. The intention to transition is not a recent decision. Looking back on what I wrote I can see that it could be easily misconstrued.
I am familiar with all the links you kindly took the time to provide. I have continued to read your blog and Elizabeth's too. I read the third article mentioned more than two years ago and considered what it had to say with great seriousness.
Since I began this blog in August of last year it has always been my intention to transition fully with FFS and SRS. I have a close friend whose transition has been Sisyphean so I am under no illusions.
I have spent considerable time contemplating my motivations and I KNOW that transition is what I MUST do.
I am not in a pink fog, more like a great black cloud of despair when I feel I am not moving toward my goal fast enough.
Hugs,
April
As long as you are proceeding with open eyes and with due diligence then that is the best that you can do.
ReplyDeleteThank you to everyone who commented, I appreciate each one.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
April