I had a knock on my door Friday, a strange man with a cane stood there and asked if I was he. (Sounds like the beginning to a mystery novel)
Being in male mode I admitted who I was. He had been told by the friend of a friend who is a mechanic that I am into old cars, especially Cadillacs. He had a nice 85 Seville for sale cheap and wanted to know if I was interested .
The 85 Seville is the last of the bustle back generation, a love it or hate it design. I love it of course ("J" called it a chick car as it has four doors) but saddled with the unreliable 4.1 litre V8.
ZMOG! Talk about chagrined, really I am trying to get rid of 50% of my fleet not acquire more, but I am so tempted to just have a look. I wonder if there is a 12 step program?
Work, family and an upcoming laser session (holding off shaving) till Tuesday means that I will have not gone out for at least three weeks! The dysphoria is building up to unbearable levels, however I have managed to keep in what passes for a pleasant mood for me and have not slipped into dark depression. Mostly as I have September to plan and look forward to.
Last night I met up with Genni and Natasha, at first I just stayed in my car in the parking lot as I did not want to join them looking like a guy. Eventually I went in but it took a while for my mood to lift. I am glad I went as we had a good chat and I felt better for having connected with friends who can see the real me.
An eventful Motown trip, delays at the border (getting sent to secondary), huge storm that almost shut down the Dream Cruise) broken camera equipment etc etc
Customs officer says after looking at my passport, you gave me the wrong one. No that is me or was me I answer. My boss in soto voice says wait till you see her next month.
Still a blast, filmed a beautiful Lincoln Mark III for a feature segment, hope I am not tempting the fates by saying it should look great on the small screen.
Not as much time at the cruise as I would have liked as we ran long shooting the Lincoln. We still got some good footage for a short TV segment.
My favourite car was a fifties rat rod Buick hearse and a 77 Eldorado that had chopped rear springs, something about the speed boat rake just made that car look so bad, you know good. Ran after that one but could not catch up to take a good photo before she was swallowed up by traffic.
Even more car stuff, out at the race track yesterday! Only my second time behind the wheel, this time in the Corvette. Up at the crack of dawn to retrieve my 75 Eldorado which may well go as part of the great car purge of 2011.
Transition Stuff:
As to all that transition stuff, oh where to begin. The long time together in the car allowed my boss and I discuss my transition and how and when April makes her first official work appearance. There is a big racing event coming up in October, where I will meet with our US employees, meet with the president of our biggest client and attend a formal dinner!
All very exciting and quite terrifying as it will be only be two or three weeks after going full time.
"J" had told two more important people in our life. One couple we have not know since university reacted with tears. I can understand their reaction as they were mourning the loss of us as a couple and perhaps me as male. Such sadness is in some ways even harder to deal with than rejection or bigotry.
I am trying hard to focus on the positives of becoming who I really am but the sadness I cause in others who find themselves unwitting passengers on this road tempers that joy.
Hugs,
April
Enjoy Bo Diddley and the Duchess as they perform Let Me Pass, it's about cars not well you know...
Off to my favourite city on the planet for the Dream Cruise.
It is a business trip so boss and camera man in tow. So no opportunity to hit the town as April. Oh well I am still excited, we will be shooting a feature on the cruise and a mint Lincoln Mark III.
As we are working on a tight schedule I will not be travelling down in one of my vintage cars, I would have loved to have taken the Mark IV or the Caddy. The Corvette is just too low to brave the potholes. We will have a brand new Chrysler Town & Country, nice and as close as I can get to a new Imperial.
The Dream Cruise celebrates the traditional cruising (dare I say street racing) on Woodward Avenue that became legendary around the country. In the sixties it would not be uncommon to see engineers from the big three surreptitiously testing out one of their latest creations against local hot rodders.
Every kind of car you could ever hope to see will be there, as they say just imagine what you want to see next and it will cruise by a few moments later.
It will be a bit painful to be trapped in guy mode in such fun environment but soon, soon… Maybe next year as April in the Stutz Blackhawk if I can get my act together and finish restoring it.
Of course the above photo is not me….but I see how you could be confused, she is sitting in Stutz number 1!
Taking a meta view this celebration of automotive exuberance is important in a historical perspective, it reminds us what we are capable of. The ability to create functional artwork that drives personal freedom, upward mobility and a vibrant economy. To borrow a line from Mark Steyn;
"When a society loses its memory, it descends inevitably into dementia."
In this era of fear we must remember what those before us achieved and strive to throw off the mental shackles of supposed decline.
I finally had the chance to see my therapist for a session. I felt that I had been doing well but he immediately picked up on some back sliding on my part.
I am literally always apologizing, "why are you doing that?" he asked.
True, I have been giving away my power to others, always seeking their approval or permission to even exist. Shrinking into myself instead of being confident in who I am and what I have achieved. "You have the support of all the people that really matter, family, children, work".
"Why are you so worried about everyone else?"
I do not need their permission or approval to be April to be transsexual. I have worked hard and fought to make it to the brink of going full time. I can be confident in who I am. I do not owe an apology for who I am to the rest of the world.
I had forgotten an important lesson from when I had started therapy, to move forward in transition focusing on love and on the positive. That I will be a happier, better and stronger person than I ever was.
Unfortunately I failed my first test. Two blocks away, after the session, I pulled up to a traffic light, a slammed Honda rolled to a stop next to me, the young guy in the passengers seat leans over and says, "Is that a Mark IV" I nod my head silently.
See I was kind of in between genders, girl, jeans black t shirt, bra and heart necklace, but no make up, hair a mess from riding around with the sunroof open. Also I had not shaved as I have an electrolysis session the next day. "J" says she cannot see anything but I feel the hairs are visible.
Then he says, its a 72 right? I manage a weak yes. "Sick wheels!" I smile and nod some more. It seems like an eternity for the light to go green. They do not laugh or point. In guy mode I would have immediately engaged him in conversation and we would still be there yakking about old cars.
Next time I will do better.
The Ronettes because I love this song and Bettie Page because even though it was not her reality she seemed to exude such personality and strength in every photo.
It had just rained and the oppressive humidity of the day had given way to the promise of a cool evening. I sat on the front steps at twilight and felt an amazing sense of contentment.
I still have a long way to travel but I could not help believing things were falling into place. I am so very lucky I have the support of my family
…but we still have to tell "J's" mother and brother
I have the support of my boss and co-workers. I had two great chats with him this week where he reaffirmed his commitment to support my transition. I do feel a bit like I have won the lottery.
…but I am still worried about my job, the economy and the state of our industry
I am feeling much more confident about going full time
…but I still have moments of self doubt and panic
Dear constant reader, please don't worry, regularly scheduled broadcasts of angst and despair will no doubt resume shortly.
…in the meantime I am enjoying the moment.
In other news I sold my LT1 V8 powered Jaguar XJS in an effort to reduce my automotive fleet to a more manageable number. It was sad seeing her go but she is off to a good home. Only three more to go!
Really, an XJS no matter what is under the hood is a serious commitment in tears and heartache. I will be content (there is that word again) tinkering with my insolent chariots from Motown.
Ah ha, the perfect segue to:
The Velvelettes singing Needle in a Haystack from 1964
Photo of me is entitled "trying to take a good shot in the mirror at 3:30 AM" and the Mark IV is because I have been enjoying driving around in her all week.
I thought it was just Sunday but "J" told me I had been miserable, grumpy, out of sorts, well depressed for a week or two. Swearing, yelling, constantly on edge, not very lady like.
As my self imposed date for going full time approaches I have been consumed by fear and doubt but mostly fear. On a long walk to clear my head Sunday night I tried to wrestle with my demons. Walking walking, questioning who and what I am and is this the only way forward. I thought I had permanently put these thoughts to bed.
Could I not transition? ( Stop me if you heard this before) I could stop I am strong I might survive. If my life depended on it, I could likely do it but I would be miserable and how long I would last I don't know.
As I walked I asked myself a series of questions;
Would I stop taking hormones?
Would I stop taking the anti-androgens?
Would I purge my wardrobe of clothes, shoes, make up anything feminine?
Would I drift away slowly from my new friends, never to talk to them again?
Would what ever happened to April be a question asked less and less frequently? Whatever happened to her, she does not return our calls or e-mails I wonder what happened? Fading away in memory until April herself had died. To let the real authentic part of me die.
...the answer was NO to all of the above.
So a little more confident today, bring trans is just a lot for a middle class, suburban, white "male" conservative to digest.
A big part is fear, fear of going full time, fear of being the but of everyones jokes. Fear of being pointed and laughed at, for someone who put so much stock in the opinions of others it is a hard thing to do despite the claims to march to my own drummer. Underneath we are scared children just wishing to fit in.
It seems a very Japanese emotion, fear of loosing face. The idea of walking out and proclaiming that I am transsexual that I am becoming a woman is just damn scary.
Another thing that threw me off track is that it has been a very busy month for cars. The entire winter went by where I did little more than drive them, freeing me to concentrate on transition. The last month has been full of car stuff, the Corvette suspension upgrade, filming the Corvette for a TV segment, getting the 72 Lincoln Mark IV out of storage and preparing the Jaguar XJS for sale. Deciding which cars to sell going from ten to a more manageable five or so.
The only time I was comfortable being a guy was when I was working on cars all those thoughts in my head would be banished by where did I put that torque wrench, is that a vacuum leak, I need to rebuild this carb. etc etc. Emerging from the garage covered in grease and sweat, that was my male badge of honour, no one could ever question that I was not a real guy through and through.
I like the song lucky guy by The Muffs, my band du jour. I know that I am reading my own meaning into the song but what I hear her singing about is the normal cis gendered guy, the guy who gets up each morning with a light heart, who gets up each morning knowing who he is and where he is going. The rest of us own wish for such certainty. When Kim (formerly of the Pandoras) sings with such passion, I can hear the anger and envy in her voice. Here they are live in Japan, check out the official video as well:
Last night I made a list of friends I need to tell, OMG I have so few of them .
I have been thinking about transition and who I need to tell, "J" and I have already told most family members, children, parents and friends we had as a couple.
Close friends coming next, I have two car friends I see on a semi regular basis that already know, one of whom I would classify as an unhyphenated friend having transcended the realm of just automobiles though that is what we still talk about the most.
The others are few and far between, most of whom I have not talked to for a period ranging from six months to a year. Perhaps I could just fade out of their lives and never have to explain myself. But I think I owe them an explanation or goodbye. So over this month I will contact the three or four remaining car friends and tell them of my transition.
Besides remaining family there is the wider world of neighbours, work clients and customers. My boss has already told my close co-workers with no apparent ill effects.
The world around us of acquaintances but so few friends. Is this indicative of transsexual/ transgendered people that we have trouble making friends as we cannot share all of our selves with someone else, that we are always hiding a parts of our selves, at least that is how I feel.
The few friends that I have managed to acquire over half a lifetime have been equalled, no surpassed by the number of friends I have meet in the trans community or the unofficial group of trans women who gather in our little neck of the woods. Both pre op and post op these are people I might never have met otherwise but a shared struggle has brought us together .
Nevertheless these are people who have become trusted friends that I can tell anything, perhaps it is something that binds us together far more than automobiles ever could.
Five minutes to midnight….the big days looms and I still have so much to do. Work has the potential to become very busy so I will have little time to worry and navel gaze about going full time. Bring it on!
Musical pick of the day is The Muffs with New Love from 1991. A perfect punk pop song that demands you dance around the room. Once again hat tip to my brother for turning me onto another band I was unaware.
My brother flies back to his family in Tokyo today. It was great to see him again but saying goodbye was much harder than times before. I felt very emotional this morning as I drove over to my mother's house to say my farewells and to have one last chat before he left for the airport.
Assuming everything goes as planned it would be the last time he will see me in male mode, perhaps it was just the hormones… I will really miss him we are so alike (no not that way LOL) rather we have such similar temperaments, the same taste in music, movies, cars and movies. We can talk endlessly about all these things. I didn't realize how much I missed him until we could talk again.
Yesterday was a family birthday party for my daughter, after the pizza and cake and presents, my brother and I talked into the evening about the good and bad times growing up. It was amazing to learn what each of us remembered, what the other had forgotten, family vacations I had completely forgotten about. His memories of being at home while I was at at school and then university.
The Norman Rockwell, Leave It To Beaver neighbourhood we spent part of our childhood in, the hidden confusion and hatred of my teen years.
I still plan to go full time in September (job willing), I wish he was still here to lend his support in the trying days ahead. I feel that a part of me is missing far across the Pacific.
"J" used the party to tell her sister about me, as suspected it was not a problem. Interestingly she immediately recognized me in the photos "J" showed he. Her comment, "I didn't see that coming" and "he" makes a good looking woman….thanks "K". Her sister hinted that her brother and her mother maybe a more difficult situation.
